Monday, December 29, 2008

Jude Augustine Costa


So the little man is born, and we are all trying to adjust to a new life.  He is very cute, but seems to be having some digestive issues.  This is very trying and very pitiful, and late at night we cry together.  But he is a beautiful little guy, and Rowan and Genevieve ask for "baby butter" first thing every morning.  That being said, they are also acting like two-year-olds, and pushing their limits a whole bunch. This also brings the queen of hormones to tears, more often than not.  Otherwise, things are rolling right along, I have no idea what day it is, and if I have a shower, it's a miracle. When we get a car that fits 3 car seats, we will start having some adventures.  I am so excited to not be pregnant, I feel like I am becoming a semi-normal person, with energy to walk up and down the hall (believe it or not, this is something to celebrate).  I have a very tired, but very kind husband, who is calm and available when I start to melt down.  All these things add up to my life.  It's odd that I have 3 kids, it has all happened very quickly.  But I love them, and in a couple of months, I expect I will have a better handle on things!  It's good to have internet access once again...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Unfortunately

We have cancelled our internet. poops. hopefully this will be shortlived, but till we get it all figured out, I will miss blogging and reading everyone else's blogs.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

first ever ER visit

Tonight we took our baby Rowan to the emergency room.  We thought her wrist was fractured.  And I did it, to make matters worse.  Poor girl, she is fine, and asleep, and it was just her elbow pulled out of joint.  But the poor kid!  She had to have it popped back into place, and it took the physicians assistant a couple of tries, and then she went and got the doctor to come down.  So after 3 hours of waiting, exams, and x-rays, it took him 10 seconds to push her little elbow back to rights.  She cried like her heart was broken, but 20 seconds later she was making up for lost time and running around like a happy little fairy.  I feel exhausted and awful.  But relieved.  And poor Genevieve, she was worried about her "sissie", and also was acting out a bit because our attention was a little unbalanced.  Maybe I shouldn't have brought her along, but I didn't know how they would take the separation when things were obviously not normal.  And last night was Dan's 30th birthday.  And we have scheduled our c-section for December 4th.  So that's the news.  I need some chocolate.  goodnight.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

update

When I am feeling especially nauseous, and frequently running to the bathroom to get rid of the thing that I ate, which, apparently was the WRONG thing to eat, my girls are very gracious and supportive.  They stand behind me, pat my back, lay their heads on me, and say, "ok mama, ok mama" over and over again.  They also hand me bits of toilet paper, quarter sized, to help handle the mess.  Then, when I come back to the living room, they understand that I need some comfort, and obligingly sit on my head.  Well, they don't both actually fit on my head, so one usually ends up on my neck/shoulder area.  Either way, this is a strange sensation, probably closest to being sat on by a very good-natured octopus.  This is awkward to get up from, if, by chance, the need arises to get back to the bathroom.

So, the move has been progressing slowly... yes, we moved in over a month ago, but I have not been so good about completing the project.  Our bedroom is an off-limits wonderland of boxes, cardboard, artwork, and half sorted baby clothes.  I should be working on it now, but when the girls are napping, I feel compelled to also nap.  This bodes ill for any progress that could be made.  But I cannot skip the nap!  you should see me without one... oh, baby, look out!  So onward to the nap.  Oh, in other news, my due date has been moved up to December 11th, which is nice, as that means about 2 weeks less to carry this little man, and a little more room to have a semi-normal Christmas. 

Monday, August 4, 2008

not a bashful boy

Here we have the traditional thumb-sucking ultrasound, pretty self-explanatory, really, not too abstract.  Now rotate, imagine you are looking up towards the kid's butt, and he's sticking his legs in the air...

Hopefully this post doesn't offend anyone, but I haven't had a chance to teach this kid modesty yet, and I think he has a healthy enjoyment of his own very newly grown anatomy. Names will be tricky, I think; Dan and I don't seem to be on quite the same page.  Isn't the arrow drawn by the ultrasound tech very nice?  as if we needed it.  What if we didn't want to know the sex of the baby? Good thing we did. I was just happy to find out that it was only one.  Very, very glad.  And I surprised myself with how excited I am for a little boy.   Now, hopefully , I can leave the pregnant part of my life behind me.  That may sound bad, but it is just really tough for me, and not the glowing, fun time that some expectant moms experience.  God bless those who love being pregnant, but that simply isn't me.  So I am just barely past halfway, at 21 weeks.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

I am afraid

I am afraid of everything right now.   I am afraid that my ultrasound tomorrow will show 6 babies (or 2), and I will turn into a complete wreck of a human being.  I am halfway there already.  I am afraid to be too honest, because what if people start to figure me out, and then they realize that I am completely unoriginal, boring, and not even very nice?   I am afraid of the gigantic spidery thing that I have seen a couple of times in the living room.  I am afraid that I will never get out of debt, and eventually sink into a hole and disappear.  I am afraid that my girls will hit puberty and I will still not have learned to communicate effectively. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about that yet... but still, I am, I do. I am afraid, and it is pitiful.  On the bright side, there is ice cream in the freezer.  Maybe if I eat some, I will feel brave. It's worth a shot.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

the pool and other new things



The girls got a baby pool (thanks Martha!), and we got a new place to live!  with a porch, as you can plainly see.  So we have been living it up.  Incidentally, our laundry room door is open, for anyone who wants to use it.  I know what it's like to go to the laundromat, or a parent's basement, or just another building to get your wash clean.  So there's no baby news yet, but soon there should be.  

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

we still manage to have some fun

So really, i just wanted to try to post a video, and it was easy enough, although the quality from the digital camera is rubbish.
Soon enough, we will no longer have to live within a small space that combines a kitchen with a living room, and even a little bit of bedroom.  I know I keep telling people that this will be the weekend, but I think we really might move in this weekend.  This place is palatial compared with our current situation.  The girls will love it, too, poor things - they get a little stir crazy up here.  But they do enjoy a good dance party, even in close quarters. 

Thursday, June 19, 2008

am I buggin' you? I don't mean to bug ya...

So I am just not in the mood to blog.  sorry, but who really wants to hear me moan and groan?  frankly, I am sick of me.  One of my doctors finally agreed with me, that I am not normal, that this shortness of breath and extreme fatigue may actually be a problem, so I am having my thyroid function tested.  good. maybe I will find something out.  In other news, we are painting the new place this weekend.   the sooner we can move, the easier life will become.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

God, get me through the next 7 months or so.....

Sooo, here we are. I have been avoiding my blog, the internet in general and any other form of outward communication.  I have been lying on the floor, feeling nauseous and sorry for myself.  Being pregnant, for me, is like being depressed.  No energy, no motivation, constant hunger, and yet no appetite.  Yeah, I said pregnant.  Mmm-hmm.   Not planned, and yet, not unwanted.... just really unexpected.  

I am sort of hesitant to tell people about it, unsure of their reactions, partially I guess because I am a bit unsure as to how I really feel about it.  A baby is not intimidating to me... that part I don't mind, although I know I will be seriously tied down for a while.  But I really do not like being pregnant.  It makes me very selfish and miserable.  And there are two little angels here who are only a year and a half, who really need a mommy, not to mention my hardworking husband who used to come home to dinner on the table, clean laundry (usually), and sometimes even a clean house.   Oh, my, how quickly life can change.

Monday, March 31, 2008

sticks and stones... are awesome

    Rowan and her bits of bark - bliss is written on her face
                   Genevieve with her prized walnut
                    Mommy made it into a picture
We had a seriously tiring weekend -  totally booked, and hardly any rest.  But we did manage to have some really nice family time.  We attended a birthday party for another pair of twin girls, 3 year olds, which was at a gymnasium, and the babes had a blast in the ball pit, jumping on the trampoline, and just running around in a really big space. Then we came home and ran around outside for a while. This is so much easier with Dan!  And the girls just love it so much.  I can't wait until it's consistently warmer outside so the two stinkers can go outside every day.  Our place is so tiny, they get stir crazy sometimes.  Poor noodles.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

on identity


Sometimes it feels that once I became "mommy" I lost the rest of the things that made me Emily. 

It is hard to see past all the duties and joys of being a mother to twins (or to any baby or child - I would never devalue any other mom's job, I'm just coming from a particular place here).  I know that in reality I didn't lose the other things, they just got put on the back burner while I learned about this new addition to my repertoire.  The only problem being that a lot of the other parts of me require some maintenance, and if I leave them on the back burner too long, they could burn, or maybe I will just have to relearn the steps (excuse the mixed metaphors). 

It's just that, while cooking, cleaning, and mothering can be rewarding (especially the last one), I spent almost 30 years developing a sense of self that had nothing to do with these things. Although, in all honesty, anytime I was asked about my ambitions and plans for the future, my first response would invariably be about becoming a wife and mother.  So thanks be to God, he has granted me my deepest desire. Only... I never envisioned how all-encompassing it would be.  It is hard work, very hard work for an unmotivated procrastinator, to try to fit in the other parts of me. However, when I do, there is nothing more satisfying than stretching and flexing the muscles that so often get neglected, and also keeping up on the family stuff.  I haven't yet learned how to keep that balance - at this point, I am squeezing the artistic stuff in with little bursts of industry here and there, but not consistently.  When it becomes consistent, I start to get behind with everything else.  I think that with time, and effort, and some compromise, I will learn this new dance... it's just that the steps are so complicated, and I have always been so awfully clumsy!   

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

you haven't lived...

until you have had a small child sit on your neck and comb your hair with a medicine dropper, all the while patting your face with her free hand and babbling high-pitched sweetness to you.  on second thought, you probably have lived, it's just that my life has been relatively uneventful, until a certain double event a little over a year ago.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

The Joy of Socks

mystery solved! my first pair of baby socks for my unborn niece or nephew... I am very pleased to have finally worked out using 4 double pointed needles and a grafted toe - yeehaw!  My mind is brimming with sock and bootie ideas, and it's a shame that they take so long to do, because winter is coming to an end! oh well, at least I know how to do it now.

Friday, March 14, 2008

put that in your blog!

getting ready for the bath.  stripping babies down to bare bottoms.  very enjoyable, until I realized  that somehow, Rowan's diaper came off with a big stinker in it, which I never noticed, and it ended up in a giant poo slab on my leg.  never even saw it, distracted by tiny dimpled butt cheeks, until I laid my arm in it.  awesome.  but that's not all.  oh, no.  have you ever watched a turd (terd?) be birthed into water?  apparently Rowan had not finished, and once the bath was underway she leaned forward, and out pops a little poopling.  followed by a number of others. more awesome.  out of the tub come the wet babies, out come the toys, calls for help to Daddy, scoop out the poop, scrub the tub, start the bath back up.  Dan laughed shortly, and said "blog about that!"  so I did.  sorry.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, or maybe I'm just cranky

I woke up ok this morning, but after about half an hour, I realized that not only was I not ok, I was in fact feeling like a nasty old lady who has been disappointed in life.  This mainly due to the fact that the girls woke me up 5 times last night, crying and carrying on.  The phrase "carrying on", I think,  was inserted by the old lady in my soul.  So I put them to bed about 15 minutes early, to save them from cranky mama.  They seemed to understand, poor dears (there's that old lady again).  So I will hearken back to yesterday, which was wonderful, and try to realign my misshapen sense of well-being.   Yesterday was lovely.  we played in patches of sunshine, and the girls experimented with pulling their hair clips out (with a few hairs), and begging me to put them back in.  While they slept, I sat in another puddle of sunshine and knitted, while listening to Iron and Wine.  If anyone is in the market for some sweet, sleepy, poetic mellowness, have a listen.

Friday, March 7, 2008

So...

I knit a sock.  It is hideous.  I am too embarrassed to post a picture.  It can only get better from here.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

outside! or: let's eat some dirt.

The peanuts and I went outside today... this was their first ever real walk, where they got to walk, no stroller.  Is that terrible?  It has been cold.. that is why, and they can't really move too well in their puffy coats... anywhoo, they LOVED it.  I wish I could have gotten more pictures of their gleeful faces, but they were studiously avoiding me.  They were 
afraid that I would make them go back inside or something. Also, they were shoving everything they could get their hands on into their mouths, so they wanted to hide from me a little.  But they were laughing in excitement, and swinging their little arms, and just exploring their butts off.  This will be easier on a weekend, when Dan can come too, and help keep the dirt eating to a minimum.  They are now exhausted and fast asleep in their beds.  Ah, nature.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

tidbits

  • Rowan put 2 words together last night - she said "duck please" (she sleeps with a stuffed duck)
  • it's too hot to be knitting a fatty scarf like this!
  • the girls are thrilled to be in the middle of a 4-way hug; they look like their smiles might explode off of their faces
  • this is really for my benefit
  • starting fresh with a brand new checking account is sooooo nice; my checkbook is balanced to the cent for the first time in years, literally
  • does anyone think my kids look identical?  I can't figure it out - they look so similar in photos, but then I think Genevieve looks like a Costa and Rowan looks like a Cisneros
  • I thought high-pitched, fakey laughs were really annoying until my babies started to do it - now I am a big fan
  • I'll tell you what does annoy me:  having a desire to learn how to knit a sock, and no 5th double-pointed needle.  having a desire to start a little painting, and no accessible gesso.  having a desire to read some literature, and no functioning brain.  sucksville.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic

reading:
I am currently trying to read "Wings of the Dove".  I did not expect it to be so difficult... I am barely getting through!  As soon as I get in the swing of how Henry James writes, it's time to quit, and the next time I sit down to read, I have to go back over what I read.  It's not the time period; there are plenty of authors from that time, and earlier, too, which present no problem... I feel very slow.
I recently finished "The Glass Castle", which was really crazy - a memoir about growing up with parents who were such free spirits, that they allowed their 3 year old daughter to cook on the stove by herself, and skipped town whenever the bill-collectors came knocking.  It's worth a read - very interesting.

writing:
This.  It's self explanatory, but I guess writing, blogging, whatever, about things that are close to my heart makes me feel more alive.  Taking a pen to paper has always been cathartic for me, and it is the best way, sometimes the only way, for me to organize my thoughts, and figure out where I am.  Talking and thinking seem to spin me in circles, but writing is technical and visual and tactile, and that is how I learn and remember best.

arithmetic:
There's really no math here, but I just like the "three r's", they make me think of Anne Shirley as a schoolteacher. However, I am making a list... that's an activity involving numbers... sort of. I am making a playlist on my ipod.  It has been in process for a few months now... I'm compiling songs from about the last 15 years that make me remind me of the feeling of being in love.  They aren't all love songs per se, they just somehow take me there.  It's proving difficult to arrange old and new songs in a way that doesn't jar my senses,  but this is fun and sentimental.  Can you tell I used to make piles of mix tapes in high school? 
Now that I think about it, knitting can come under the arithmetic heading - lots and lots of counting.  And a little tedious while learning... but I LOVE it.  It is my newest obsession.  I am too easily obsessed.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

boring you with motherly ramblings

my babies on a sunny day, with their new obsession, chapstick.  Genevieve's didn't make the frame, but she's got one... Rowan is a little more obvious about how much she likes it.


Today I danced with my girls until my arms gave out. There's something about classic jazz/blues that gets them all lovey-dovey... I put on some Billie Holliday, and instantly their arms go up to be danced.  So I scooped them both up. Genevieve immediately put her head down on my shoulder with a faraway look in her eyes, and Rowan wrapped her little arm around my neck and alternated between kissing her sister and me, very solemnly.  We made it through about 2 and 1/2 songs before I had to sit down.  Slow dancing 50 lbs of super-relaxed baby is work!

It was a banner day for hugs and kisses and general cuddles.  My usually non-stop 16 month olds actually sat on my lap and relaxed this morning for about 15 minutes straight (that's a lot)!  Maybe it was the chilly room, but I was loving it.  If I tried to relax my hold, a small baby hand would grab mine and pull it back, tightly round her warm little belly.  Oh, sweetness.

In other news, they are starting to really push their boundaries, testing me and Dan, seeing what they can get away with.  It must be because they are such geniuses!  No, really, the smarts on these kiddoes - Rowan is a bit more verbal, trying to repeat everything (her latest attempt is 'stinky' - she can't quite figure it out, it comes out more like sssssssst...kee!).  Genevieve is more mechanical, trying to figure out how things work - lids on jars, her zipper, moving the furniture around.  Total prodigies, honestly!  Not that they are ahead of any other babies I know... the important thing is that I feel this way about them, not necessarily that it's true!  It's just a great feeling to be so enamored of them, and to get to be the one they call Mama.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

moving right along...

Rowan and Genevieve don't show too much interest in this piece. Mostly because they can't touch it... on the other hand, they love the one of themselves, and say sih, sih! and try to kiss it.
I'm not too sure if either of these are finished - it really is unusual to even have gotten this far on one, let alone two drawings, but here they are.  I don't really know if they are related; maybe I just worked on them simultaneously... ok, I hear some serious sadness coming from the bedroom.  If nothing else, it is good for me to see my work objectively like this, it really brings out all of the aspects that may need some help.  But for now, babies are calling.

Friday, February 22, 2008

trying to make work

This is a painting I did for Dan a couple of years ago, and it serves to remind me of the fact that I can loosen up sometimes.  I tend to get very rigid and tight when I paint, over working things, wearing it out.  It reminds me that I can show a little restraint and make a simple painting!  I have started work again recently, work for myself, and this is very exciting to me.  I haven't photographed any of it yet, but I will soon.  I am doing a figurative piece along side a more abstracted landscape, and I am hoping that the two will inform and improve upon each other.  I have been in love with line and pattern and color for as long as I can remember, and these new pieces will hopefully embrace that fully, while letting go of my uptight fears of imperfection!  My kiddies are still sleeping, so maybe I can still squeeze a little work in...

So now it's later, and I did get a bit of drawing in, and it really feels amazing, even though the carpet needs vacuuming and there are still baby toys all over the place. Dan and I took the girls to Denny's for dinner tonight - one of very few instances when we have had dinner out with the twins, and the first time ever that they have had their own meal from a menu.  I actually enjoyed it, but I think Dan felt a little stressed out by the whole scenario... cheerios on the floor, sippy cups banging on the table... he is now passed out, snoring on the floor of the living room.  Poor guy, he works so hard, he can't even enjoy his relaxation time because his body just shuts him right down!  Times such as these make me feel a little guilty for staying home all day, playing with my little sweeties, but I have to remind myself that as fun as it can be, being a mother is real and rewarding work.

a blog full of nothing

Soooo... here I am, and a bit unsure as to how I would like to proceed.  Dan has been prodding me to start a blog (even he has one, although he never posts anything), and writing has always been a healthy outlet for me, so here goes nothing.  

Really, this is gonna be full of nothing.  I had a book as a little girl called "A Bag Full of Nothing", and I loved it so much!  A boy called Pip (I think) takes a walk with his father, and finds an empty paper bag on the way. He picks it up, and as they walk, they navigate several situations in which the bag full of nothing is filled by their experiences, and turns out to be fantastically and heroically useful.  I don't claim that this blog will ever really help anyone, but maybe all my nothings could be of interest, or encouragement, or maybe a wee bit of entertainment to someone.  Or maybe to me, which perhaps is the whole point.