fingerpaint

fantastic

2012-01-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

What is it about fantasy that so strikes my soul? I mean, I can read plenty of books, and I do, about regular people, and though I may love it, it never sucks my brain in quite like Tolkien, or C.S. Lewis, or even Harry potter or Twilight for that matter! Maybe it's obvious. I crave an alternate reality. Perhaps I am discontent with myself. I would prefer to have magical powers, or some kind of mythical secret friends... whatever it is about fantasy, it really just gets its hooks into my brain, taps into some yearning in a way that nothing else does. But I guess that is a reflection of my broken state, and that something within me reaches out for what I should have been, if the Fall had never occurred, or what I should be, were I living up to my full potential.

Stephanie Meyer may have been on to something with this vampire thing; a perfected version of humanity, at least the "vegetarian" ones... what with the super human strength, speed, indestructibility, and beauty; it reminds me of what we will be like eventually, with our new bodies. Does that sound crazy? Of course it does. But what seems to me like a bit of sense is when Paul talks about running the race in such a way as to win. And seeing ourselves perfected in Christ, our completion, the way that we are being perfected through our trials. And how now, we see but in part, but one day we will see clearly. That is what I yearn for, I think.

I do believe that someone else described our new bodies and minds in a similar way, how, though we are still ourselves, recognizable, we will be beautiful beyond compare, and our understanding will so surpass what we can grasp now... maybe we will actually use all of our brains, not just a measley 10%. Was it C.S. Lewis in The Great Divorce? I think I might need to reread that. I think that's what I am thinking of, though. Seeing those who had died, looking like themselves, and yet more glorious than any earthly person.

I had a conversation with my girls tonight, about heaven, and seeing Jesus. At times, my reaction is to shy away from giving them direct answers to their questions, or discourage them from thinking too literally about what heaven may be like. But what do I know? Didn't Christ teach us that our faith needs to be like that of a child? That is really hitting me lately, so I just listened to them tell me that they were excited to see Jesus, that they knew that they would be able to run so fast as to fly, and that they would be able to go with him into the clouds. This was all prompted by their telling me how unrealistic Jack and the Beanstalk is, since a cloud could never hold a heavy house, nor could a hen lay golden eggs. But they get that nothing is impossible with Christ. They are 5, and they are teaching me so much.

the best

2011-11-09T17:50:00.000-08:00

Among the crunchy leaves, our mud-proof boots strapped on, and smiles plastered to our faces, we can't resist the late autumn sun! We won't throw away our gift of joy, but hold it, cradled in our chapped hands, relishing it's softness, it's warmth, it's crisp crunch, and it's pumpkin ridges.

All of these moments, pure and dear, we won't let slip away, not without a kiss. An aknowledgement, a thankful, hearty smack. What could matter in the face of this brightness? I couldn't say. We didn't find any acorns, but brick paths and lampposts, ginko leaves, and hand in hand under the sycamores, we don't mind at all.

for the first time in my life...

2011-11-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

...I did not procrastinate. I got an early start on the twin's costumes. I was very excited to make them, this being the first year that they have been aware of Halloween, and there being a parade at preschool, they actually had occasion to dress up.

But I am by nature a procrastinator. I almost cannot get started on something until there is major pressure on me to get it done. But this time, I didn't. I got started a month ahead of time, and slowly got going, sewing and cutting a bit almost every evening after the kids went to bed. I took a break for about a week, to get their winter hats made, and that was apparently a mistake, because I was still up till 4:30 in the morning on Sunday night, finishing these dang costumes!

The results were not absolutely perfect, but the girls were very happy, and their teacher said that they were very proud to put them on. A bluebird and Tinkerbell were very obliging and allowed me to get a couple of shots of them... before flying off to warmer regions. I think that I saved no money whatsoever, and maybe took a little too much pride in doing it myself, but I must say, none of the Tinkerbell costumes for sale look anything like the dress that Tink makes for herself out of leaves and grass, the same problem as when I was a kid, so I feel justified.

shadow or light?

2011-09-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

There are days when I don't know which end is up. When my stomach jumps with unexplained butterflies, and not the good kind. A small surge of fear that grabs me from out of nowhere, over and over again throughout the day. Tears that well up, that I want so badly to control, but can't. When I keep praying for help, for peace, and yet small pressures keep mounting and I can't see clearly.

Some days are just like that for me. Not many, though, thankfully. Those days pass, and I realize that reality doesn't need to overwhelm me.

I find myself thinking that I just have a problem; that other people float through their days on a cloud of contentment, mostly untouched by the stresses that I wrestle with. I know that this is not true, can't be true, and yet I sit here believing it on some level. I also wonder if I have a bit of bi-polar disorder, or am I just overly sensitive? Who cares, really. Because peace is available for the asking, and joy is not elusive. It is given in so many small gifts every day, if I only have the sense not to chuck it out the window.

Today is one of those normal days, where I can see both the shadow and the light, and simply have to choose my focus. Why I don't always make the right choice is beyond me, but I'm working on that.

If there's a crisis, I'm probably not your girl

2011-08-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

So, yes, there was an earthquake today. I feel sort of irritated that this will probably be the 7 millionth blog post about this East Coast quake, 5.8 on the richter scale, but who cares? Some things just need to be recorded.

I was at work, sitting down to my lunch break, when we heard a whooshing noise, and looked at each other, confused. The floor and walls were shaking (really? is that what happens during an earthquake? enlightening, isn't it?), and the length moulding started sliding around where it was leaning up against the wall. The water cooler was our proof that it wasn't over yet. I thought to myself, "I should do something!" and continued to sit blankly. "I'm not with my kids!" was the only other coherent thought that passed through my mind. After a couple of minutes, we started trying to reach our loved ones, see if they felt it, shake off some of the weirdness. I think that the undercurrent of our strange inability to focus on our jobs was the idea that if it could happen once, it could happen again, and worse.

So yeah, I am not the quickest reactor, or the best at thinking on my feet. If I have a few minutes to process, I can rise to the occasion admirably, but if action needs to be taken within a 2o second window, well, I just might get knocked on the head.

And of course, Rowan and Genevieve were delighted. Experiencing an 'earthqueg' was on their list, too.

4-year-old bucket list

2011-08-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

We went camping with all 3 kids last weekend. OK, wait, 2 weekends ago now (sometimes it takes me a while to get back to a post hastily written and edit). It was a mixed bag, to be sure, but there were moments of absolute delight. We will do this again. Camping is a funny thing. Part of me feels like an elf, as if I ought to be wearing a woodland crown of leaves and berries. Part of me feels like I ought to have packed up my nonexistent athletic gear and my imaginary mountain bike... neither one of these is quite right, although the first one is closer...

Rowan caught a large-mouth bass, though. Amazing! At least to me...

So there's one experience the girls can check off their list. Actually two; camping was on there, too. They have quite a long list of things that they have never done. It doesn't matter to them at all that a lot of these things are not experiences that Dan or I have had either. I am loving that they have such a grand list. Here are a few:

-ride on an airplane

-ride on a motorboat

-go parachuting

-ride a camel

-go on a submarine

-ride on a space shuttle

-go on a whale sighting expedition

cheeseball post

2011-08-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

They're round, orange, salty, crunchy, and they stain the tips of my fingers. What's not to love?

I do love cheeseballs. But this post ain't actually gonna be about cheeseballs.

When I was in high school I was in a play called "Our Town". It was my first and only foray into drama, without props, songs, or even costumes. Lately I keep thinking about one of Thornton Wilder's lines, and I only remember it because it belonged to my character.

Well, I died rather young, married, and maybe even with kids (can't quite remember). And I am reflecting on my life, revisiting the place that I lived and loved, a small quiet town. I am looking around and naming the places and things, for the sake of the audience, because, remember - no props. A tree that I especially loved, favorite spots, that sort of thing. I remember the director getting frustrated with me, as far back as auditions, because I couldn't get the gist of listing these items with any real feeling; he told me I sounded like I was reading off a grocery list.

He was so right, I just couldn't wrap my brain around it. "Do any people realize life while they live it? Every, every minute?" That was the question I asked, or something like that. And the answer was "Saints and poets maybe, they do some." I don't think you have to be a saint or a poet, to realize life though. Maybe you feel it more, the highs and lows, the beauty and the pain. But you can live your life. You can live it fully, and remember to examine the moments with appreciation. Take a mental snapshot. Feel the exquisite perfection of a funny little laugh from a child you love, or watch the clouds turn pink or gray or golden-edged. My goodness, does time ever speed by. It seems to slow down a bit, though, when you grab a few moments and squeeze them dry, drain all the sweetness and cast away the sting.

Thanks Dave Saadeh, for trying to teach me something. For teaching me something, even if it took me 17 years to learn it.

keeping on

2011-07-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

I am actually not sure what to write, but am trying to keep up with my writing. As a discipline, as a filter through which to reexamine myself, as a way to organize my thoughts, and as a little bit of a record for my kids to read later, If they are ever interested. Which they will be, 'cause who doesn't like to read about themselves, how cute and charming and bright and funny they are? no brainer.

Lately, I am reveling in the way that they rename things, with certainty, just remembering differently, and replacing definitions in their minds. Seriously, it is just so delightful. Examples:

cranberry lifter (cherry picker)

beach eagles (sea gulls)

up side up (right side up)

basil (random weed)

I am making things for etsy, enjoying it, knitting, and not enjoying that as much. Because darn! I just made Jude a hat, and it was tricky and cute, and cable knit and it is also sized for a 6-12 month old. Oops. I had better check my gauge more carefully before embarking on projects like this. So now, do I give it to someone or list it on spec, hoping that someone will be looking for just such a hat for there soon-to-be-one-ish child? Hats seem to sell more by custom order for me, although I did sell one already made adult hat... or I could just rip it out. But I am coming to the end of my yarn, and so I think I wouldn't actually have enough for a Jude-sized hat. Sigh. Ok. listing it:

Reconnect

2011-07-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

I have had no internet for quite a while now... actually I am not even sure how long, but it must have been a day or two after the last post. I have enjoyed the time I've saved, but have not enjoyed the disconnect. I did not miss facebook. In spite of all the "friends" I have, it never fails to make me feel lousy. But facebook is a psuedo-reality, and I think I will just avoid being there, unless I have a purpose. Anyway, it's good to have email again, and online banking. Yay for convenience and communication!

To follow up the last post, God is so good to us. The Monday after I posted, I felt like I needed to be praying in a more specific way. So, I started out with praying for us to find an affordable vehicle THAT week. Tuesday, we got a phone call that there was a free minivan available. Pretty affordable, huh? And Dan had been praying for a minivan or an SUV. The more specific the prayer, the more obvious the answer.

Amazingly, I sold three items from my Etsy store last week... amazing because I have been completely neglecting Etsy, especially without internet. It made me want to get back to craftiness, so I have been knitting hats in the heat. Wierd, I know, but I have been enjoying it. So look for new listings!

It's good to be back.

On Love (I can't stop!)

2011-06-01T06:21:00.001-07:00

Rowan, Genevieve, Moses, Jude, mesmerized by Pluto (Mickey Mouse's dog, remember?) shorts, breaking into spontaneous applause (!). Sweet small warm relaxed bodies.

I am in the kitchen, coffee cup drained, thinking about what it means to love. Reading Francisco Goldman's Say Her Name. He said (in an interview) that he chose the fiction genre to tell the story of Aura's (his wife's) death to uncover the truth, or discover it. He attributed to her "all the good lines", because wasn't that love? Yes, isn't it? To give of yourself, unselfishly, without restraint.

I spent a morning with tears hiding behind my eyes just threatening to spill. Not upset for myself really, but because Dan, who should've been on the job by 6AM, didn't leave home until after 8. I heard his alarm (apparently he set 6 different ones) through my sleep fog in the living room, but didn't know what time it was or what time he needed to be up. I shrink from the thought that he might be badly thought of, when it's not laziness, but exhaustion that deafens his ears to the systematic alarm tone. Perhaps alarm clock manufacturers should instill a more needy urgency to their wake-up tones. Or maybe we should invest in an old-fashioned clock with reverberating metal bells. My relief is great to find that his client was gracious to him.

Shem (my brother-in-law) is outside, doing double and triple eliminations to determine what is going on with cylinder #5. That's love, too, he would do this for anyone. It's his pastor's heart. And also a love of problem solving, I think. But he is always ready to give of his time. Unfortunately the old Olds is dead. But I know that we will find another car, God always provides. And that is simply more love than I know what to do with.

miscellaneous Loves

2011-05-25T03:41:00.000-07:00

There are so many things to love, and so many people to love. Sometimes I miss out on the things and people because I allow myself to be limited by the fact that I have 3 small children who require a lot of attention. Now I realize that it is realistic to accept some limits, as I am not a super hero with super speed or strength or the ability to stretch like a kneaded eraser. And these kids do actually need me to invest the majority of my time with them. However, I need to open myself up and take the opportunities presented to me, and maybe seek them out more than I do.

This week I have enjoyed a few things and people.

First. Andrew.

Our next door neighbor is 5, almost 6 and seriously adorable. He likes to drop in on us at random times, riding his bike (with training wheels that he doesn't actually need, but he likes to relax) up the drive to see us. He tells his parents that he's just gonna take his bike out, but they know where to look for him... he has a shock of red hair that he sweats through every few minutes, then it dries, then it sweats through again 1o minutes later. His translucent skin makes my Irish babes look positively tanned. He's like a tornado with a soft spoken lisp, and he has a ready-made fan club here in my two little girls who adore him. He is sweet and just completely cracks me up.

Second. Christie.

Christie is from China, and has a beautiful chinese name, but has adopted the name Christie as a reasonable American facsimile... do other cultures encourage this easy-to-pronounce-name-changing business, or is it just us? Anyway, she is 18 and an intern at the frame shop. No, we've never had an intern before, but she asked, and we couldn't be happier to have her. She is so delightful. She asks intelligent questions, is very open and learns really quickly. I'm not generally super talkative with new people, but I just found it so fun to talk to her about her life and family and experiences over the last 2 years in the US. I hope I get to see her next week, it was refreshing to have some new blood in the shop.

Third. Eyes.

There are some (2 pair) blue green eyes edged with a bit of grey and surrounded with thick black lashes. When they look up at me in a certain way, I am pretty much melted. So melted in fact, that liquid proof of it can slide down my cheeks for no apparent reason. The eyes on these girls are like miracles to me, and they are so expressive. There is another pair of eyes, longer of lash, darker of hue. At first glance they look brown, but if you look closely, there is only a small bit of brown around the pupil, and the rest is a mysterious mix of grey, green, and umber that I guess would be a dark hazel. These eyes are stormy and changeable, and staring at them generally results in the cheeks of a certain boy being munched on to break the spell of those eyes.

Fourth. Headband.

I made a tiny simple headband that I am in love with. I twisted a bit of sterling wire into a basic bow shape and wrapped the center of the bow with the wire ends to a thin stainless steel band. It is so very sweet, I don't want to ever take it off. If my computer were not so overloaded with photos and music, I could maybe show it to you, but alas, I can't bring myself to delete anything until they are all backed up twice. So far they are all on my extra hard drive, but I need to back up the backup. Maybe I'm paranoid, but oh well! my disc is full.

Fifth. Dan.

My husband is in the midst of a stressful situation. When is he not, really? But lately the stresses have been coming by the wagonload, and he is amazing me. He has all this peace and grace and resourcefulness that just lifts me to a better place. I don't know how he handles all that he handles.

the color green, a huge mistake, and Wilson Phillips

2011-05-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

This morning it rains and rains. It's gloomy in here, but outside the colors take on a lush saturation. The green grass is of the most velvety emerald. This makes me smile, partially because it reminds me of the conversation I had with Genevieve on the drive to work yesterday.

"Mommy, are there lots of colors of green?"

"Yes", I say emphatically, "so many colors of green!"

She continues, "grayish green, blackish green, yellowish green, dark green, bright green..."

And my heart if filled to pretty much bursting; the painter in me is reveling. As much as the know-it-all picture framer in me is cringing right now, as I remember what happened at the start of my workday.

I stand staring blankly. The frame doesn't fit the canvas. At all. I know immediately what I did wrong, a rookie mistake. My first impulse is to walk away. Tell no one. Let them deal with this later. I have no illusions that I will escape the blame, I just don't want to face it right now. My cheeks are hot. But I fight down the avoidance urge and force out the words.

"Tim, it doesn't fit."

He just looks at me, crestfallen. This was a big frame, over 3 feet by 4 feet. Yeah, I know. I am here to help. To save you time, not create more work for you or waste your money. I know, I know. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. Shall I call the moulding company and order more? At least I can try to take steps to get us back on track. I am so embarrassed. So frustrated that my picture-frame-problem-solving-skills cannot fix this, but I simply can't magic up more length out of nowhere. Sigh.

I continued in my funk until Wilson Phillips came on the DMX and I just couldn't help myself singing along... I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day and you break free, break from the pain... hahaha, the very idea of Wilson Phillips cheering me up with their hair blowing in the wind and their dresses billowing sunnily on a hillside just cracked me up.

Of course I made another similar frame later in the day, and made it perfectly, and in the course of measuring for that one, I realized that the measurement on the invoice for the evil mistake frame was incorrect, and wouldn't have been right even if I had cut and joined it perfectly. So I changed the invoice and at least saved the wasting of the moulding for a second time. Still, I can't believe that I did that. I guess I had better forgive myself and move on. It's all vanity anyway.

Idyll

2011-04-26T18:44:00.001-07:00

These last few days have been really lovely. Easter weekend was a blur of egg hunts and family functions, and cute outfits, which were fun, but it's good to be home and drinking in the weather with my small charges.

Each of them has taken a turn falling on concrete, and my girls have been dramatically hobbling around with a walking stick, trying not to bend their knees. We have lain in the feather-soft clover, reading books and watching clouds. We have ignored the inside of the house and gotten a bit sunburnt. We have made large quantities of mud soup, which the girls have labeled "bunny oatmeal".

I am a happy girl right now. My three stinkers are sleeping, and in their sleep these kids are a delight. I mean, what's cuter than a snoring 4 year old? or one that asks, almost asleep, "Mommy, will you wrap me as a cheese stick and tuck me in?" How about a 2 year old boy who wants to sleep with his "baby truck"? But truly, they are a delight when awake as well. Genevieve told both Dan and I that we looked "fabulous" on Easter morning. Jude demands regularly, "hug me! kiss me too!" and how am I to refuse? I mean, really, have you seen him?

Yes, I suppose that I am on an upswing. And yes, it does seem that I swing. A lot. A whole lot. But whatever slight leanings I may have toward the bi-polar, I feel that the adjustments I am making to even out are not as extreme as they used to be. Probably it has a lot to do with the fact that after 4 years, I am getting better at parenting. I am taking so seriously the fact that these characters are in my hands, mine and Dan's and God's. And I am not forgetting about the grace that is has been so sweetly extended to me.

flow

2011-03-31T19:14:00.000-07:00

I would just like to say that I have recently entered back into a wee bit of depression, and that there has been no creating of any kind, nor desire to create, in a bit.

Joyfully, however, that is no longer the case. I made up my mind to be obedient in a small matter, not obedient to my husband or my boss, or my Mommy, but obedient to the prompting that I have felt for some time now to write. To finish my story, "the pink cloud".

Just in making that descision, I have felt a flow of creativity returning to my hands, and ideas to my mind. The story is done, at least a draft of it, and I made a new headband... I think I will sit down now and make another one. Maybe two.

Ha-hah! (like Despereaux stabbing a hunk of cheese)

Unfortunately, my media drive on the macbook seems to be jammed up somehow, so I can't make use of my photos.... oh well, I haven't taken any yet, so I guess we shall see when I get to list on etsy. No matter. off to make stuff. over and out.

If it sounds like I'm giving myself a pep-talk, well, maybe I am.

2011-03-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

I think it's important to be able to express oneself. Very important. I also feel that learning how to do things the right way is important. Take painting, for example. Going to school and learning how to paint in the traditional way, and also learning the history of painting gives me so much more context and understanding when it come to art that is more expressive and less traditional. All of that color and texture and shape and crazy means so much more in the light of what came before.

I often hear people say "my kid could do that" about a primitive looking, or completely abstract painting. Maybe, maybe not. The point is, though, that we examine what it is that really makes a piece art. Is is the likeness to the subject matter? what if there is no actual subject matter? Is it the use of color, shape, and proportion, the composition? Is it the outpouring of the soul? Or the intellectual decisions made in the process?

There is of course more than one answer to the question. But what I am getting at is that once you learn the proper, or traditional way to do something, I think that it makes the radical or non-traditional way more fun, more interesting, and maybe even better.

I know a lot less about music, but I would also say that learning from a teacher how to do things the traditional way might make your personal musical efforts, however untraditional, better. Of course in any artistic situation there is the argument for the genius of the untrained, or primitive. I get that too. I don't know, I'm just thinking here. I believe that training actually facilitates self-expression.

My main thought, though, is about discipline. I want my kids to be self expressive, I want them to find out who they are. I want them to feel encouraged and not squashed, by me and Dan. But I also want them to be obedient, to respect authority, to understand the importance of listening to those who have more wisdom than they. I want to find a balance here. I am trying to teach them that their thoughts, their opinions, their desires are important to me, that I want to hear them.. I also want them to obey. I don't think it's healthy for a 2 or 4 year old kid to control the household, or make all their own decisions.

So where do you draw the line? I am trying to get these amazing little people to understand that some rules are non-negotiable. That when they are told to do something, they need to obey first, and then, if they have questions about why, or ideas about doing it a different way, we can talk about it. AFTER they obey. I want them to know that I love them, and many of our rules exist to protect them, and others to teach them about how to go about the business of life. There are so many differing opinions about how to raise children. Sometimes, when I am overwhelmed, I will go and read parenting books, and sheesh! So. Many. Opinions. I am trying to weigh out the fact that I want control (in my own human, frail state) over my kids, with the need that they actually have for boundaries. I want to do it right. And wanting to do it right is not enough. I have to pay attention to what I do, all the time, because there are small but very sharp eyes observing me, learning from me, imitating me.

Parenting is nuts. Sometimes I feel like the 'faint of heart', the one who should never have signed up for the challenge. But in truth, I love this. I love when the kids demonstrate that it's working... not so much when they display a need for correction, but hey, they can't be perfect all the time. or even most of the time. Anyway, who would want little no-stress robots? Not I. Right? I will take difficult but interesting, over easy but boring any day. Any day.

flying my own little freak flag

2011-03-09T18:28:00.001-08:00

The kids have me on a bit of a roller coaster lately. To be honest, I have myself on a bit of a roller coaster.

Kids:

Jude is hilarious, for instance, yesterday he took of his pj's put on the girl's butterfly wings, and stated,

I Daddy Di-doo-bew (Tinkerbell).

He also has been telling me that he's a man, and playing practical jokes on me. He's a total blast, but he is also defying me, and being very testy. Trying to find the best way to address this is so challenging!

The girls each have their own brand of both wonderful and horrible. Rowan is the sweetest little affectionate girl, but is a bit scatter-brained, and sometimes I fear that she is pretending to not hear me, and is wantonly ignoring me. Very frustrating. Genevieve is so dear and quirky in her particular tastes, but is trying to run the show and control everything. I am trying to be patient with these two, but they want to test me at every turn. Good thing they are so sweet and funny to balance things out!

Me:

I am seeing lately that some of my little peculiarities are maybe more than quirks. Maybe I have a bit of social anxiety. Sometimes being in a crowd of people can make me so uncomfortable I think I might crawl out of my skin. Not all the time, but in particular groups. Specifically a lot of other young married couples, with or without kids. Not in small groups, just large ones. Weird. And on several occasions through the years, I have had people tell me that they thought I did not like them. I actually attribute that to the fact that I can be very uncomfortable in groups of people that number, oh, maybe 8 or more... nutball, I know! But I often have a very strong feeling that people don't like me, which is funny, since I apparently am giving off that vibe, too.

Oh, people, I am sorry if I ever gave you that impression! And I am sorry that I am so unbelievably sensitive and read into the slightest little thing... Sigh. I feel so isolated so easily, and then swing the other way on a high, if I get to see a couple of friends over the course of a week. I am truly uncertain of what my next steps should be in attempting to normalize. I really can't just bury myself in housework, although my more than usually clean house has me feeling quite proud of myself!

So anyway, I'm gonna pray, and I'm gonna try to extend the grace to my children that Christ so graciously extends to me on a daily basis. I'm gonna keep making things, because my silly phobias even extend to etsy, and I get nervous to put my little crafty bits up for scrutiny. And I'm gonna keep writing here, because it helps, even if I feel a little vulnerable and silly.

Since I'm not in therapy

2011-02-24T19:15:00.000-08:00

I'll tell you what - the idea of weekly therapy has always sounded like bliss to me. Now those of you who get to, or have to, go to therapy might correct me, and I will humbly accept the correction, because I have never gone to weekly therapy or counseling, or whatever one should call it.

A 50 minute hour, all about me, where I can spout off whatever crap is on my mind, where I can just vent my frustrations, insecurities, failures, triumphs, etc., to a neutral party. Where I don't need to worry about who hears me, whom I might hurt, whether or not I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Where maybe some intelligent, objective observer might call me out on my silly foibles, and unreasonable reactions.

Well, I am not in therapy, so you get to hear my whining voice. It's not always whiny I hope, because, boy, who would ever want to read this?

I have issues, man. Not anything earth shattering, but gosh, I would like to feel like an adult. Much of the time I feel like an insecure teenager who really doesn't know how to make sense of things. Now, when I really think about it, I am being overly dramatic. If I were to compare my present self to my high school self, there would be a very large difference. But for heaven's sake, why am I so uncomfortable with myself still? Why do I still feel like I am waiting to know who I am? It's really silly and irritating. I stop to think about why I feel this way, and I am unsure, as usual. I just second guess myself much of the time. Now maybe this has to do more with the fact that my decisions directly affect the small people around me, in a way that is still new to me, and very weighty. Possibly.

One thing I need to do more often is stop and take a look at the things I know are true. And accept what I am and what I am not. I am a painter. I am not a singer. I am a mother, a good one. I am not a career woman. I am a picture framer, a fairly knowledgeable one. I am not as good at it as I used to be, because I only do it one day a week now. That's ok. The things I make, I try to make well. I am not a multi-tasker. I am not the best conversationalist. I am a good listener. I don't make friends easily. That makes me sad, but when I do make a connection, it is a strong one, and lasts. I have not been weighed and found wanting, because my Creator knew what he was doing when he made me. I may not be at my full potential, but I'm going to keep trying.

See, I'm workin' it out. Therapy might be awesome, but for now I've got you.

Tater

2011-02-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

Oh, things that happen around here just crack me up. Sometimes I don't write them down fast enough, and I forget about it, which makes me sad. Sometimes I have the presence of mind to jot it down or take a picture, which is great.

Baby potato head. awesome. The girls found a small potato head toy at my parents house, and they brought it home to be the baby to their large sized potato heads. The large features fit on the baby head, it's pretty great. I found it staring at me the other morning.

To be perfectly exhausted, I am... I mean, to be perfectly honest, I am exhausted. Man, for real. Things are going pretty well, but I need some time with adults and some non-child-related conversation.

Valla-Tine's

2011-02-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

To tell you the truth, I have never had big expectations for Valentine's Day. With or without a boyfriend or husband, I am quite surprised when someone marks the occasion in any way. My dear husband is not one for jumping on bandwagons. In fact, he kind of dislikes things on principle if there is any kind of mob mentality or trendy aspect to them. So today, we kissed each other and said "Happy Valentines Day", and that was pretty much it. The kids and I had a crafty little time, making Valentines for their cousins. They lost interest faster than usual, and went to sleep. They woke up this morning with some kind of stomach bug. Oh well.

I really don't mind, or feel bad, except that I wish the poor buggers weren't sick. Maybe it just comes with a certain amount of time and perspective. I like a good excuse to cut out heart shaped snowflakes and decorate with pink and red. But really, I just want to remember that like my kids, I can make a "Valla-Tine" any day of the year, that we should do little things for one another that say "I love you" as often as possible, and not wait until a holiday dictates that we're supposed to. Anything heart shaped is a valentine as far as they are concerned. Anything that says that you care fits the bill in my book. Today, we got 'em both. Sweet.

a drawing by janet

2011-02-03T19:39:00.000-08:00

My paternal grandmother passed away the spring before Dan and I got married. I was very thankful that he had gotten to meet her. She was quite a character, and full of sayings that still crack me up. If she happened to be airing her opinions to a not-so-attentive crowd, she would loudly declare, "Talk to the wall, Janet!". The first time I heard her do that I couldn't stop laughing. That wasn't the reaction that she was looking for, I assume, but at least she had my attention...

I don't know all that much about her life; I wish that I knew more. As a child and a teenager, I was not so great at asking questions, as much as I enjoyed any story she would tell. Actually, I am not so great at that now, either. She had a difficult life in some ways, though. My grandfather left her with 3 kids, when my Dad was very young. She had gone to school for fashion design, but to my knowledge, never worked in that field. I can understand what frustration she might have felt having three young children, and trying to make ends meet, working secretarial jobs, and wanting to create things. Fortunately, we have drawings that she did while in school, and recently got some more. It was so fun to leaf through all these yellowed and delicate sketches from the 1940's. For my birthday last month, my parents gave me one of these drawings and gave me cart blanche to frame it however I would like. It makes me very happy, and now hangs in our living room.
Forgive the reflections, but isn't she lovely? I really should have taken a good shot before I put the glass on it, but I was too excited to remember to take my camera to work! Here is a closer shot. She reminds me of photos of my Grandma, all tall and thin and elegant. Maybe I can get my Dad to scan a photo and email it to me... Hint hint, Dad! Should have thought of that before, also.

Owl vs. Penguin

2011-02-02T08:13:00.001-08:00

I drew a baby penguin for Jude, since lately he's really into Happy Feet. He told me that it was not a penguin, but an owl. Just to prove to myself that it was not an owl, I drew an owl also. they are kinda similar.

family trees

2011-01-29T07:54:00.000-08:00

While Rowan and Jude were sick last week, there was a lot of napping and couch potato-ing happening with those two, which left me and Genevieve to our own devices. Of course, I got it over the weekend, she got it this week, and pretty much all we have done this week has been to lay around and watch movies. Thank goodness we are coming out on the other side of it now!

The point being that Genevieve and I had a really fun time drawing and learning new things together. She is a funny little girl, and wants to know why I do everything, especially when it comes to my drawing decisions. I try to tell her that there doesn't have to be a reason when it comes to art, otherwise, it's not all that fun. My art school professors would probably disagree with me, but I always did my best work spontaneously, in fact, my professors would agree that my work lost some of it's life when I thought too much. I agree with the surrealists that art can very much be improved when one lets the subconscious have some wiggle room.

So anyhow, she wanted to know why, very urgently, when I filled a perfectly good heart with a wiggly blue checkerboard and then filled the squares with green and orange.

No reason, honey, just because!

She has always had a bit of a tough time when it comes to correction from me, how to hold her pencil, how the letters should go from left to right, etc. But she was so pliant and sweet, and when she got frustrated, she kept going. She tried to learn how to draw a heart, which was very cute. She learned how to make a spiral, and practiced grids. She spontaneously started writing out her alphabet, and we had a little tree drawing tutorial, which was actually just her watching me draw a tree, and resulted in these:

Genevieve as a tree

The whole family.

misery and mercy

2011-01-25T07:07:00.000-08:00

I keep thinking that I'm at the end of my rope. Then, it turns out, there's more rope than I had thought.

This rope is made out of lots of things. A husband who becomes the nurturer and caretaker for his pitiful family... Soup and bread from my mom, dropped off while at the pediatrician's office for a triple sick visit... a respite from the headache that had me ready to weep... there's a common thread though, which is God's great mercy.

Rowan and Jude got sick last week, gradually seemed better, and then worse. By Saturday night, I had been hit by the same 18-wheeler. Dan worked on Saturday, but came home just in time. I had been ok, but that was wearing off fast. He came home and got right to work. He got Rowan up and got her to eat some substantial amounts of food. He got soup and cold medicine, and sent me to bed at 8pm. On Sunday he sent me back to bed to get the only solid sleep I had gotten since the day before. He took Genevieve out to the store on a little date, as she was still feeling good at that point. He came home and oversaw the eating of food by all. He even made me eat enough soup to meet his stringent standards.

Monday, he stayed home from work (since he had worked Sat) and drove us all to our wonderful pediatrician, who checked out he kids very thoroughly, perscribed some antibiotics for all three (by now Viv had woken up feverish and coughing), and a steroid for Jude, who's cough had begun to sound suspiciously croupy. Daddy dropped us off at home, put Jude to bed, and went back out for tissues, OJ, vitamins, and filled prescriptions.

Oh, and did I mention that he washed dishes and cleaned up the house? Yeah.

By this morning, I was feeling good enough to handle the 3 sick ones, while Dan left for work. Except that the Dr. was right about Jude. He slept well, but woke up with croup in full swing. He couldn't stop coughing for more than a few seconds, and was unfortunately using all his spare breath to say, "Mommy, Mommy!" between coughs, even though I was holding him. I gave him his steroid, fluids, honey, warm steam in the bathroom, but nothing was giving him relief. At this point the girls were awake and whining for my attention. I put my hand on his chest and prayed, because, once again, end of my rope. He made a funny noise in his throat and immediately the coughing stopped. He had some moments of total peace, and got very relaxed. Since then he's been a lot better, coughing more infrequently and eating, and napping periodically, cause that constant coughing had him worn out. The rope has been extended. I would like to learn how to live in this grace all the time.

picture frame as metaphor

2011-01-12T16:13:00.000-08:00

I had a rough start to my work day yesterday... late to work, then I started in with a series of mistakes, all fixable, no $$ wasted, but still, I caused my very reserved boss to exclaim, "What are you doing!!!! Drink some coffee!!" I had a hard time getting past how very useless and stupid I felt. This used to be the place in which I felt the most confidence, but I find that I really need to take things a little bit slower now, and really concentrate to get myself into the frame chopping mode.

There is still a lot that I love about making frames, though. Especially when I get to work with beautiful hardwood moulding, like a nice cherry. Oh, my, the wonderfulness of cherry wood! It's color is gorgeous, a soft silky rust color, swirled with naturally graceful fine grain. It is very hard, but not splintery at all. Maple is very similar, but naturally paler, like butter. Yum. My chopper blades were getting a little dull, so I was cutting all the frames that don't require super sharp, fresh blades. That gives me 3 options generally:

1) hardwood. like cherry or oak or ash. delightful.

2) good quality softwood of a certain kind, I'm not even sure what it is, but it is not pine, and almost seems like some kind of compressed wood. nice to work with, subtle waxed finishes, gently distressed.

3) the bane of my existence, 'bonanzawood', which is not wood at all but some kind of crap that is like super dense compressed cardboard, or an MDF (medium density fiberboard). Ew. this stuff is covered with a paper-like wrapping, that is manufactured to imitate wood grain. I hate it. I don't like things that are not genuine. Or things that explode with a little noxious puff of cardboardy dust when I cut into them. Gross. It is overly heavy, and fake, and cheap, and I don't trust it. By the way, we tell customers exactly what they are getting, so if they cheap out, they are not being fooled.

Now, I get that framing is expensive. prohibitively expensive. But if you are gonna spring for a luxury like custom framing, go the extra 30 bucks and get some real wood. Ok, ok, I also get that if you are really budgeting with integrity and you have alloted a certain amount, then you might have to go with a cheaper option to stay within your limits. And that is a really, really, good thing, and good for you for sticking to your guns. When all is said and done, what your pictures are framed with isn't really going to matter.

But, there is something to be said for quality. Were I a manufacturer of picture frame moulding, which I am not, I would want to produce top notch materials. I would want to do my very best. I love to work with good materials for a reason. They are beautiful, and often easy and pleasant to work with. They generally smell nice, and don't make my skin itch. They are usually of natural origin, too, which makes all the sense in the world to me.

I kind of felt, while chopping frames yesterday, that the moulding was like different kinds of people. Some are natural, solid, beautiful in their confidence, graceful with a simple curve. When you go below the surface, you get exactly what you expect: real, sweet smelling truth. There are imperfections, but then, they never claimed to be perfect. Some are rather polished looking, no one would ever know that they were not wood, but they require some tricky handling to get to the inside without making an awful mess. Once open, you see dusty cardboard instead of wood, and you can also clearly see the papery veneer that covered the outside for what it is, an imitation. Now cardboard did start out as some kind of wood pulp product, right? So somewhere along the way, that kind of person lost sight of what they were meant to be, and pursued appearances, while ignoring the inner things that matter. I hope that I am like the first kind.

Sorry, to those of you who are not interested in picture frame moulding or cheesy metaphors! Actually, this was more of an extended similie, but whatever, you understand me, I'm sure.

Busy Bee gets to preachin'

2011-01-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

Knitting projects.

Headband ideas and prototypes.

Photographing items for etsy, putting on piles of makeup for said photos, because, honestly, who's gonna buy something to wear on their head if they don't know what it might look like on an actual head? and who's gonna buy it if they think it might make them look like a harried, exhausted, lined mother of three? So yeah, lots of makeup.

These things are time consuming, I've realized. Ha, ha. Especially when I try to squeeze it all into the child-free moments! It makes me feel a smidge insane. Have I mentioned how I don't multitask well? Mm-hmm, I don't. Not a good trait in a person who has got 3 kids, a home, a tiny part-time job, and a husband, all of which need attention. I don't want a nanny, a cleaning lady, or a personal chef (ok, so it might be nice to have a cleaning lady or a chef), I just want to do all of my jobs well. In the past, something has always suffered when I try to excel at everything. So I have always just tried to prioritize. But I don't really think that should look like me doing one thing well (e.g. parenting, OR house cleaning), while everything else goes to pot.

I long to be the wife of proverbs, who manages her household so skillfully and wisely! And I want to be a loving and wholly available mother. That certainly has to come before all the chores and tasks. I also want to take care of my husband. I can sometimes fail in that department, because I have these three kiddos, and he's an adult. It's easy to neglect him, but he really does need attention as much as the little ones. He may not need me to get him a band aid or put him down for a nap, but he really feels loved when I do little things like get his lunch together, make the morning coffee, and put my current project down for a while and give him my full attention while he tells me about his day.

I think that Moms sometimes forget that being a wife, and parenting together must come before mothering. At least that's how I feel about it. If you neglect your marriage because you're too busy being a Mommy, what will be left when the kids are more independent? Ok, I'm off the soapbox. I'm blessed to be married to my best friend, and I want to be aware of how my actions or lack of actions affect Dan. Perhaps I'm getting all preachy because we are going to the first night of a 13 week marriage group tonight. It should be really good. I'm excited to focus on myself and Dan and God for a couple of hours.

All this to say that I feel as though I am making some progress. I am staying somewhat on top of daily tasks, and trying to really be present with my children and my husband. And my accountability buddies are on board to help me, which makes me so excited and happy. I think there is one more area, though, in which I need a kick in the pants... I am thinking and praying about who I should ask to kick me on a regular basis. More about that later.

A New Year, and more posts?

2011-01-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

This is 2011. Weird. Shall I blog more? That remains to be seen. I'd like to, and I have really been lame-o about it lately. But jeez, it's time consuming! It shouldn't be, but it is. My computer is old and overly stuffed with information. In it's present state, it moves like molasses in January. We need to back it up, upgrade, and clear off a bunch of stuff. It's time for a trip to the genius bar.

So Jude. newly 2, suddenly verbal, and testing all of his (and our) boundaries. But oh! still so delicious , munchable as ever. He also just got his long curls chopped off, and his manliness is shockingly kissable.

And my little ladies. Such ladies! 4 years old, willful, smart, and delicately sensitive. Rowan wants to be a little Mommy, and Viv wants to call all the shots and be master of her own destiny. They tell me hysterical things, ask theological questions, and pretend the most delightful and weird scenarios.

Dan. Exhausted. And full of strength and grace. I'm hoping that this year brings him some rest and relief. I have a great hope that I can be a part of bringing that to him. That is one of my resolutions for this year. (side note: Rowan just informed me, 'I turned our house into a humongous hedgehog, Mom')

So speaking of resolutions for the new year, I have this crazy idea that I can do better. Better at parenting, and being a wife, and managing our household. Crazy, right? So instead of making a list and promptly forgetting about it, I have decided to ask some specific people to hold me accountable in some very specific ways. It is a lot to ask, but if my friends are willing to help me, I think it will be a wonderful thing!

These are days...

2010-11-11T17:54:00.000-08:00

These days are good days. We have had some house guests, yes, 4 extra people in our 2 bedroom apartment. It has been good. I like having other people around, it keeps me on top of my game, doing the best job I can at both parenting and housekeeping. I like that accountability. I have enjoyed cooking for them, too. A year ago I might have found the prospect a bit daunting, but this has been great. Three year old Lillie turned to me last night in the middle on the meal and said, "Aunt Emowee, you make the best dinnuh fowever (dinner forever)". There's nothing like a sincere child's compliment.

Tonight was a little rough. Not with our guests, but with my own kids. Each one suffered a spell of nasty attitude and had to bear the consequences of it. I was ok with the older two, but little Jude just somehow broke my heart. Perhaps it's a matter of his being so little, so I am unsure of what he really can process... but mostly I think that I just lost my temper with him, and so responded more severely than the situation really warranted. And I HATE that. It's not who I want to be, not ever. Of course, he forgives so liberally. Putting him to bed, I sang to him, "he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the Shadow of the Lord", and when he lifted his head off my shoulder to kiss me when I was done, he immediately pointed to the tears on my cheeks, "dat", "dat" (that), and took the silky corner of his little beloved pillow, and wiped them away. What a sweet little manling, not even two yet, caring for me in such a sweet and simple way. Sigh.

Tomorrow. A day with no mistakes in it. If only my mistakes were due to overindulgence in daydreams, like Anne Shirley's, and not fits of temper. Ah, well, that's what grace is for. And I am thankful for it.

really?

2010-11-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

October has come and gone with nary a blog post from me. Huh. That happened ridiculously fast. I have been spending most of my internet time tending my etsy shop and communicating briefly with people about basic, day to day items. Not much surfing the web, leisurely reading up on the doings of distant friends, or really anything other than the most practical of transactions.

Working on numerous little projects, working at the frame shop once a week, taking care of the small people who need me. Trying to stay up on the laundry, trying to do more than just tread water. This in itself has been a challenge, but I am finding that I may be emerging from a bit of a fog into what could be better days. More days that contain a purpose that I acknowledge. This is life right now, and though I have been letting it fly through my fingers a bit too quickly, I am starting to feel equipped again to engage my whole self.

I was supposed to post this on Saturday night

2010-09-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

So lets pretend it is Saturday, and not Tuesday, ok? I guess it doesn't really matter; let's face it, I get tired and the days run together...

I was happy to be going off to work. I think I was a little euphoric actually, feeling like one of the workforce, capable and confident, not to mention dressed smartly. I got to the car and thought I had left without my phone, which is a cardinal sin, of course. That euphoric feeling is starting to fade, 'cause now I'm gonna be late. So I pulled up to the house, and ran back in, grabbed Dan's phone, called mine, and ran frantically around the house, listening for my ring. Nothing. I guess it's in the car. Back out to the car, waving again to the sweet little honeys on the porch, and while waving, I go to sit and smack my nose hard on the top of the car doorway. Feeling lost.

But I love my drive to work, I really do. It calmed me right down. Rolling hills, and the thundering swell of Mumford and Sons. Passing fields, forests, over a covered bridge. seriously, this is one idyllic ride. Past Granogue, the last lived-in duPont estate in DE that I know of. As a kid I would listen in on my teenaged sister Christine, and her two close friends talking about how Irenee duPont was single, and quite the eligible bachelor; how perhaps they would come across him at Brandywine Creek State Park, which in my mind resembled the wild English moors of Wuthering Heights. Undoubtedly he would fall in love with one of them...

Their romantic discussions inspired me to dream about what fairytale possibilities awaited me.

It's funny to think about, I don't know if I ever have before, but I don't think I would disappoint my child dreamer self with the actuality of my life. As a child, my wonderings and dreamings of the future were about the people who would be there with me, my husband and children, never the things I would have, or the house that I would live in. And in that, I was right on. It is enough of a fairytale to me that when I first really noticed Dan, a voice in my head said,

"Dan Costa. You're going to marry him."

A thought I immediately dismissed as ludicrous, especially when I discovered that he was dating a friend of mine. But I wasn't the only one who knew I was going to marry him. A good friend later told me that she knew it too. Don't worry, though, this voice in my head was years before we actually got to know one another and began dating, and there were no other parties involved when we finally found each other. And while we're talking about fairytales, I really have the three most lovely little dears in the world, Jude, Genevieve, and Rowan. That Jude, when he finally gets me up in the morning, laughs like I just told him the best joke when I struggle up out of bed and tell him "good morning". And these two little affectionate ladies. Such honey pies.

I will leave you with a delightful little anecdote from Saturday morning: Genevieve woke Dan up by putting something is his ear. As you can imagine, this was not well received. After everyone calmed down, we explained to Vivi that putting things in people's ears was dangerous, and then we asked her what exactly she put in Dan's ear. silence. We asked again.

"Rowan's boogie, that she wiped on the bed. I didn't want it there!" So she found a better place for it? Always an adventure.

oh, it's been a while!

2010-09-13T19:28:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I am back. finally.

It has been hard for me to take the time to write here, but I do really care about recording things...

Lately:

1. I have been trying to make time for projects of an artsy nature, be it knitting, drawing, or making flowery head gear. I have been enjoying it, but it has not so far generated much income. However, I have just started back to work 1 day a week. So a bit of income shall be generated, by hook or by crook!

2. I have been trying to be a patient mother, really really applying myself to this task. James says that "the anger of man accomplishes nothing", and I have been taking this to heart. My children are so precious, and they are so young and tender, and yes, they have sinful natures, but they also have so much innocence. I want to preserve and protect that, while still training them to do what is right. I second-guess myself a lot with parenting, but I guess it's better to reexamine oneself than to be overconfident, right?

3. I am trying to be healthier. This is hard for me, as I am not naturally organized with my time (for exercise) or particularly prone to eating healthfully. baby steps.

There you have a list of my new(ish) ventures. I just enjoy lists, they give me a false sense of order!

I had a surprise visit from my sister in law Cheree, and my niece Lillie. This was lovely, and the three small girls had a great time together, playing "ice cream truck"and "I can't find my arms", and I had a great time sitting on the porch, knitting, watching their Irish-pale legs flashing in the sunlight and they ran and tricycled about. 3 year old imaginations are hilarious. Jude displayed his strength to the female population by generally being rough and shoving and pinching whenever possible. We are working on that.

Yes, I have started back to work. I love my job. Picture framing, that is. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to do this again. To go somewhere in the car, and stay there all day without having to be responsible for anyone but myself. To finish a project efficiently, and then be done with it, not having anyone undo it a minute later! To know that I am good at this. Unequivocally. I don't have to think about it, it comes naturally, easily. This is the only place that I have ever been able to multi-task; I know women are supposed to have this gift, but I never have! But at the frame shop, I can juggle several tasks, and I am quite pleased with myself. With mothering my kids, I am not so confident. I do think that I am good at it, but it's different. Perhaps because there is so much more riding on it - the health and safety (both emotional and physical) of another individual. Three individuals!

And last, but not least, I do have more of the Pink Cloud story written, but I am missing a middle bit and the ending. Query: do windmills generate wind? I do understand what they are used for, that they harness the winds power to create energy, but still, they look like fans. Do they act like fans, too, and blow air at all? It's pertinent to the story. :)

a rough draft of the first section of a children's story that I am working on...

2010-08-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

The Pink Cloud

Princess Clementine was a very fortunate little girl. She lived in a castle, for one thing. And she had a lovely bedroom, full of the things that most little girls love. She had a great big bed with a canopy, all white and flowy, where she could hide away and pretend. She had dolls of every size and age, from delicate little dollhouse people, to a nearly life-size doll that had it's own dresses to match Clementine's. She had wonderful books and toys, and paints, and colored pencils, and dress-up clothes. She had a Mother, who was the Queen, and a Father, who was the King, and a baby sister, and they all loved her. Clementine loved them, too, and you might think that she would always be happy and well behaved, and while most of the time she was, she had her moments of discontent as well.

Clementine loved to climb up into her window seat and daydream. Most days she would spend an hour or two there, watching the clouds, or the birds, or just thinking. She would look down on the little garden where she grew her favorite flowers, and she would look up at the sky and at the pink cloud that always seemed to be hovering nearby. This cloud really was always pink, it was quite odd. Even on clear days, it became nearly white, but still it remained the palest, most delicate pink. When the sun began to set, it would get all purpley and sometimes even orange on it's edges, but ever the pink remained. When it rained down on Clementine's little garden, it became quite grayish, but a decidedly pinky gray. It was a beautiful cloud, fluffy and soft-looking, and Clementine loved it.

Who knows what planted the idea in Princess Clementine's head, but one day she woke up, just knowing that she had to have that pink cloud. It wasn't enough that she could watch it from her window each day; she wanted for her own. In her bedroom. She wanted to sleep on it, play on it, jump off of it, and into it. The pink cloud was all she could think about. So when her Father, the King, came into Clementine's room one morning, and asked her what she might like for her birthday, she didn't have to think about it at all. "that cloud, Daddy!" she said, "the pink one outside my window - I want to have it here, in my room, please." The King scratched his head, finding his daughter's request very strange, but he saw the sincerity in her eyes, and set off to find out how he might get a cloud out of the sky.

luna moth

2010-07-21T09:44:00.000-07:00

So my kiddies found a luna moth in the day time, which was wonderful. I got some pictures and got right to work. I love luna moths, not so much other moths. There is something about them... yeah something..... it's really not all that hard to figure out. They're huge, pale green, and simply incredible. I am unsure why I like these cropped images so much, but I do. They are actually whole moths. I did a bunch of drawings, 3 of which I was happy enough with to list on my etsy shop. I challenged myself a wee bit, using permanent ink and no pencil whatsoever, so any mistakes I made, I just had to find a way to live with them. It was fun.

I've got a quiet moment here, so, voila!

2010-07-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

at this very moment, I am singing "blogger" over and over to myself, to the tune of the old Batman theme. its fun.

at this moment, my sweet husband is out of the house, and with him are the two little girls that we love best in the world. They are creek stomping in polka dotted rain boots and bathing suits, and I am smiling to myself, because they make quite a picture with their curls pulled up off of their small necks, stomping along, hand in hand with Daddy. And also because I am alone with the quiet, and my sleepy boy is in his bed, looking like a cherub.

I am feeling pretty good, because I've been making things. Making things, and trying to photograph said things to try and get my etsy shop up and running. Sheesh! I am having the hardest time! Just getting pictures taken, loaded, chosen, writing things like my profile, shop policies, etc. It's just way more time consuming than I expected, and I am sort of embarrassed and self-conscious about the whole process. I am really enjoying the photography part of this, though, but I am a little concerned about the fact that some of my favorite pictures contain images that are most likely the property of someone else. I guess I will have to do a little more research, because I don't want to get in trouble. But here are a few of my headbands on the covers of some favorite books.

the good, the bad, and the six-legged

2010-06-17T12:31:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on the porch, enjoying the breeze, well more like wind, as my porch has been designed somehow to be akin to a wind tunnel... at any rate, this is the first really nice day all week, in fact, it is so beautiful that we are all on our best behavior.

Yesterday was a vastly different day - lots of whining, a terrifying grocery store display of bad behavior, gray skies, gloomy feelings. Dan and I have been discussing at length the reasons for said behavior, and I think that when we put our heads together, we can manage to be good parents, insightful even. Implementing our plan upon wake up this morning, I think we have seen real improvement in at least one of our children, who has been having a difficult time lately. Now, it doesn't take a genius to figure out the strategy that we are putting to work here, it just takes a little time and genuine concern for our kid's well-being. And maybe the weather has had a bit to do with the happy attitudes today. (disclaimer: I don't mean to say that if you are having problems with a child that aren't being easily solved, you don't genuinely care. I am just talking about one specific situation)

As a side note, Genevieve is cradling a rather large beetle like it's the love of her life, picking it up, watching it's legs wiggle, and she's smiling down at it, with the particular expression that she reserves for objects of her affection. Mom, the bug loves me, cause it's hugging me! oh dear. Ok, mommy, suck it up and don't recoil in horror...

We just spent the better part of 2 hours at the playground, and it was wonderful to actually feel like I could just sit and relax for some of it. The girls were playing some variation of -Help me, I'm sliding into the mud/ I'm getting flushed down the toilet/ The sharks are getting me- on the tunnel slide, and Jude was enjoying climbing up and down the stairs and ramp by himself, and running on the bouncy bridge. I found a random bottle of nail polish in the bag, and proceeded to paint my toe nails. The nail polish happened to be black. So now I have gothic toes, and no one can accuse me of having lost my edge. Alright, so no one has accused me of that - come to think of it, no one has ever accused me of having an edge in the first place... but I now officially have one. It's on my toes.

a weekend at the week's start

2010-06-08T07:04:00.000-07:00

Well, thank you ever so much to our 4 wonderful and caring parents, for taking all three of our small people for two whole nights. We still have our time to ourselves until dinner tonight, and to be quite honest, it's a little strange!

But we have been enjoying ourselves fully. It helps knowing that the kids are with people that they adore, people that they ask for everyday, and even pretend to be in their hilarious games of make-believe, people who are explicitly trust-worthy.

Sunday night we went to see Robin Hood, which was very enjoyable. I mean, gorgeous volleys of arrows, falling like lethal rain, huge french flags floundering at the bottom of the ocean, and love growing out of respect and mutual consideration... how can it not be enjoyable? I would love to find out more about the history of this character, at the turn of the 12th century.

Monday, we spent our day walking the streets of Philadelphia. Not exotic in any way, but we love the city, it feels like home. We brought our lunch, and watched people. We wandered in and out of some of our favorite shops, and browsed some antique stores. Leisurely things that you just can't enjoy with 3 toddlers in tow. Then we had an incredibly great dinner of mussels, beer, and amazing sandwiches. Seriously overstuffed, we wandered around for a bit longer, stared up at our favorite art deco buildings, and made our way back to the train. At home, we snuggled into bed with another movie. Having Jude's crib in our room, this is a luxury we don't often enjoy. And all that walking took it's toll, because we promptly fell asleep.

Dan starts a new job this week, and this is a wonderful development. He will hopefully get up in the morning, and do work that he loves with people he loves. And while his hours will still be long, it will be better, because he will be where he belongs.

Mommy vs. Emily

2010-06-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, there is this problem that I'm having, with my time. I've never been one to use it well. I am disorganized and easily distracted (might have something to do with all the distractions lying around unorganized). I am jumping in a little too quickly to projects... I am allowing them to consume my mind. I need to find a balance, and concentrate fully on being a mother at times, without giving up on the things that make me feel creatively challenged, and use other parts of my brain. we are trying to revamp our financial process, if you will, spend our money differently, with more awareness, and this has inspired me to move my derriere, and start up a little etsy shop, where I can possibly begin to contribute a small amount to the bank account.

Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun to make an object with no idea where it might end up. Of course, it could just stay in my laundry room and get moldy. But the possibilities are fun to consider. At any rate, I tend to get obsessed, and that's when I start to let Emily time cross over into Mommy time. The kids hate that. Unless I let them help... but needle and thread, knitting needles, and fine point ink pens are just not toddler friendly. And computers... even now they are trying to dodge my hand and hit the power button. Stinkers! But I do get it, they want Mommy, so who am I to refuse them?

I am quite excited by my simple little projects... little hats, pretty headbands, and also small drawings, starting with some alphabet prints (single letters with an old fashioned illustration). I'll post some pictures soon.

might I have a bit of earth?

2010-05-17T11:49:00.001-07:00

Ok, so it's not the secret garden, since it's on our porch steps and all, but we did enjoy the little bit of container planting we did yesterday...

We are pretty late to be planting seeds, I think - but who knows, really, cause gardening has never been my hobby. But if these little flowers and herbs can manage to flourish, who knows? Success can be addictive, maybe next year I'll be hanging strawberries in baskets and growing melons up the wall. This year, though, we will start small. Tomatoes, basil, dill, and some flowers. It's more a matter of wanting my kids to be involved in something productive and fun, and a really big project could just get left in the dust, because I get overwhelmed easily.

Rowan, poised and ready for the signal to pat down the dirt.

Genevieve scratches the seed with a file to aid in germination. That's what the seed envelope said to do...

Watering fun, with my new orange watering can!

Rowan took this picture, and I love it, cropping, composition, everything. Toes!

Rowan took this one, too, not bad!

Ok, I just yelled at my daughter for disobeying after several quiet-but-firm reminders, and I can hear her talking to Jesus about how she feels in the other room. Guilty or not guilty? Guilty, I guess. I should have just given her a consequence and stayed calm, but man! their stubborn refusal to obey a simple command when their mind is made up differently just gets under my skin.. aaaargh. I had better go make peace.

my Strawberry Shortcakes (and actual muffins)

2010-05-12T10:47:00.001-07:00

I love when my girls help me to make better decisions. Like taking a close up of the strawberry muffins we just made, instead of trying to fit them all in... much better, thank you, Genevieve! On the other hand, I really hate when I allow myself to get worn down and harried by constant nagging and whining (the whining mostly from the smallest boy in our household). That is when I make extremely poor decisions, like allowing the girls to participate in the placing of pasta into boiling water, which resulted in one of my sweet girls burning herself pretty badly. Generally, they are not allowed to bring chairs to the stove. Who really knows why sometimes the rules go out of the window? At any rate, she is ok, just a burned hand and a really nasty blister. I, on the other hand, am feeling pretty guilty. But also confident that I make rules that make sense, and will not allow myself to feel insecure or doubtful of my choices, no matter what other parents may choose for their own offspring.

I love these little people, so much that it hurts. In a good way. They are really tough to deal with sometimes, but really, they bring me so much joy, and I have to remind myself, on the days when I feel like I really miss my old full-time job , that the sort of satisfaction I get from a project completed, or a client made happy, is nothing compared to the pure sweetness of love given and received, of lessons learned and true growth accomplished.

So the other day we were outside for the purpose of blowing tiny bubbles, and my wee ladies were decked out in pink right up to their hair bows. Wonderfully enough, we found some wild strawberries. And no, we didn't use them to make the muffins.
The light was lovely, the girls looked like real life Strawberry Shortcake dolls, and so I snapped away. Little surprises, like the wild berries, make an average day special. The girls were quite taken with them. And I am quite taken with my red-and-pink-themed post. For aesthetic reasons. Obviously.

a painting

2010-05-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

I've spent the last week painting and repainting a canvas. The good news is that I painted almost every night last week. The bad news is that while I still retain some of the vestiges of my drawing ability, it seems like I have lost all painting chops. And then I got my hands invaded by an awful Bob Ross-like dotty syndrome. It was kind of terrifying. But by the end of the week, my brain seemed to kick back in. I was in the laundry room, just kind of staring in disgust at the 4th or 5th paint-over of the week, when I suddenly saw in my mind what the paint strokes should look like. Then I felt so silly to have truly forgotten what my paintbrush was supposed to be doing. I should have documented the progress, but it was so hideous, really, I couldn't bring myself to do it.

All weekend, I thought about finally getting back into it, and painting over that travesty in my laundry room. Tuesday night I finally did, and while the result is not awe-inspiring, it at least feels like me, and I can recognize something there. I worked a bit more last night, just to be sure it wasn't a fluke, and painting was still my friend. I do dislike acrylics heartily, and it's no replacement for oil, but I will use what I have and spare my kids the fumes in the living room for now. I do have an exhaust fan in the bedroom, though, and I may just have to work something out between my love of oil paint, my family's health, and that fan.

I am trying to find a balance between making choices that are uniquely mine (in my paintings), and yet referencing the truth. I find it hard. If I work from a photo, or life, I can get a bit carried away by the details, and the life(ironically) goes out of the painting. However, I am not so great with working completely from my mind. Yes, this is boring stuff, but I am desperately trying to get back in the swing. I have a project that is very close to my heart, and I really need to be in good shape, artistically. Now that I have mentioned being in good shape, I will complain a bit and say that time to myself is very limited, and so my working out time has been completely usurped by painting time. It's actually quite frustrating... can't I be in shape and do a little artwork? Perhaps I shall have to work out a schedule. That's not my strong suit.

confessions...

2010-05-03T11:42:00.001-07:00

And this has nothing at all to do with telling my girlfriend that a girl who is not my girlfriend is in the family way, and it's all my fault...

It has more to do with the fact that my kids have never been to the beach. Or even to a real pool. Now I don't feel exactly guilty about this, ok, I sorta do. It's just that a day trip to the beach with two infants, or two toddlers and a giant sick pregnant belly, or three toddlers... it just sounds like a lot more trouble than it's worth. And Dan's #2 job requires that we be around for much of the summer, and Dan hates the beach, so a little vacay for him is not going to be beachy, most likely. But I would like for them to see the ocean. It's wrapped up in my childhood, although, I never actually went there with my own family. I guess there's still plenty of time... I just don't want them to be afraid of it.

And the pool, thing, well, that's just the way things have worked out. We don't have a pool, belong to a pool, or have any friends that have a pool, at least that I am aware of. But a pool? Now there's something Dan loves, and we need to at least get ourselves to a pool this summer.

So, I suppose it's just all this hotness and humidity over the weekend that has me panicking about my children's exposure to large bodies of water. I guess it isn't really ruing their childhood or anything; there are plenty of landlocked places where kids grow up never actually having seen the ocean. I have, I admit, pitied those children in the past, but now I will tell myself that they still have quality childhood memories, and most likely swam in lakes (no, my kids have never been to a lake, either!).

In other news, all this warmness has put us into the time where little 3 year old girls wear sun-dresses, and I really can't stand it because their shoulder blades are so cute!!! Although, I really also enjoy jeans and a cardigan with a sun-dress, at least on a very small girl... so I miss the cool spring like crazy already. I really don't do very well in the damp heat. I feel very claustrophobic, and gross, and I love air conditioning so much... but at the beach, none of that matters!

sometimes, it's not just about babies; sometimes I can squeeze a little art in, too.

2010-04-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

Today, my kids are at my Mom's house. Soooo, taking advantage of the time, I decided to clean out the laundry room. A catchall for whatever I don't know what to do with, or stuff I want to put out of sight quickly, it's a disaster area. Dan will be over the moon happy when he gets home, except, oops, I am distracted now.

In a pile of art related stuff on top of the dryer, I came across this drawing. I remember when I drew it, how I was inspired by botanical drawings of Charles Rennie Mackintosh, and how disappointed I was by the result of my own efforts. Well maybe it shows how out of practice I am, because now I really like it . Of course, sometimes perspective and distance are everything. In fact, I always look at my artwork in the mirror, to check for balance and mistakes, because in the midst of creating something, I can get too close to really see. There's something about the way a mirror reverses things that brings certain things to light. There is also something about it that lies, too, so I have to be careful.

Regardless, all this to say that after some time and distance, I have changed my mind about this piece, and I enjoy it now. It is also making me happy that I have this other piece, and somehow they seem related to me.

Part of it, I think, is the fact that this is an arts and crafts tile, in a gorgeous mission frame, and I was inspired in my drawing by a master of the arts and crafts movement. And then there's the obvious color relationships, and the three blossoms, and the fact that they are very similar in size. And also the diagonal composition which leaves a bit of an open space in the bottom left corner. Yes, I am an analytical genius, I know.

Dan gave me this tile for Christmas, and it is making me sad that the subtleties of color and texture in the glaze are kind of lost in this photo, and you can't really appreciate it's luminosity and depth. Sometimes it amazes me just how well my husband knows me. Just to be able to pick the perfect thing. The colors, the dangling freesia, I couldn't stop looking at it when I first opened it up. I love it, and I think I shall hang them together.

vapor rub

2010-04-21T06:11:00.000-07:00

Last night, after submitting to the dreaded "paper rub" (the girls refuse to believe me that it's actually called vapor rub), Rowan was clearly bothered by something. I thought it was just the pungent goo on her chest, as she really dislikes it, but I found a moment later that it was a mental struggle.

Mommy, Is paper rub... um... I don't know... is paper rub... spicy?

I said that yeah, it definitely was kinda spicy. Not content, she squirmed around a bit, and then,

but... Mommy... is it... MINTY?

yes, Rowan, it is most definitely minty as well.

Instant snores. Literally. I found it completely wonderful that she just had to nail down the exact description of Vick's vapor rub before she could fall asleep.

blogger's block

2010-04-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

there have been a few things that I have wanted to mention, write about, people who deserve props and shout-outs and whatnot, but for whatever reason, I have just had the hardest time sitting down and just expelling it here...

I know that is a strange usage of the word 'expel', but deal with it, for me, ok? I like strange word usage. a lot.

Recently, Dan completed a self-imposed, 90 day fast. Not a complete fast, but a pretty tough one, in which he cut out all meat, almost all sugar, caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, well, it's easier to list what he would eat... raw vegetables, oatmeal, bananas and grapes (random fruit selection), water, and later on, hardboiled eggs and tomato soup. He successfully quit smoking, and has felt that his life is taking on some new direction. He did all of this with a supremely sweet attitude, no complaints, and generally just impressed the heck out of me. Amazing. I am prouder than I can say. And really, really glad that I can make just one dinner for the family now! I am inspired to attempt to cut out sugar and beat my chocolate addiction. We shall see.

My parents celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary yesterday, another accomplishment of which I am insanely proud. They have showed me a great example of what it means to build a marriage for the ages. I am so thankful for them!

Over Easter, our little family of 5 drove to Ohio to be with some dear friends, and get a little break from our everyday life. It was refreshing and fun, and we were reminded of how very dear these people are to us. I also got to participate in some figure drawing, and I wasn't actually as awful as I expected, which was very encouraging, as I am embarking on a little project, and could use all the encouragement I can get!

This is why I have had a hard time blogging. My everyday thoughts and experiences simply do not translate into interesting prose; neither do my mundane musings regularly metamorphose into the profound, so I choose not to post sometimes... I just don't find it particularly satisfying to set down a disjointed little clump of paragraphs. But sometimes I just need to do it anyway, to get back in the swing, because this is therapeutic for me.

laboring under a misapprehension

2010-03-30T18:48:00.000-07:00

We've all done it... just took an idea and ran with it, when perhaps the facts weren't all there...

Like the time Dan didn't speak to me for a week while we were dating. He came in to see me at work (Brew HaHa!), and one of my co-workers and I, along with one of our coffee shop regulars, Toby, had been discussing his (Toby's) brother's recent engagement. Now Toby had the super cool idea that when he got engaged, he would buy his girlfriend a really great stereo system in lieu of a ring, cause wouldn't that be a much more practical way to spend a few thousand bucks? Well, practical or not, I said that I would prefer a ring, thank you, when the time came.

Innocent enough, right?

Well, poor Dan came in right at this juncture, and my co-worker casually informed him that I would rather have a ring than a stereo. A very strange look came over his face, all red and weird, and he left pretty abruptly. Needless to say, I was a bit confused. When he finally gave me a chance to ask him what the problem was, he reminded me that he had just gotten me a cd player for my car for Christmas... oooooohhhh. Right. I got it. Once we got our facts lined up, we realized that there was nothing to be upset about, and in case you were wondering, I did get a ring when the time came.

More recently, there have been other misunderstandings in our house...

I was in the bathroom, checking out my new haircut in my homey, truth-telling mirror, and man, oh man, did the bathroom stink! So I sprayed some air freshener. Now, febreeze air freshener is generally pretty strong (that's why I buy it). Well, this particular burst of smell-good for the air did nothing for my little patch of stink. Ok, so maybe I'm fighting compound poo. Another very substantial dose ought to do it... no, unbelievably, I may as well have sprayed poo scent. Then I happened to glance down and there, on the sink, is a diaper. Oh. Sweet Jude. Throw that precious little bundle away, and voila! No more nasty air.

Genevieve and Rowan were fresh out of the bath, under towels and two blankets, because our house is chilly. It was lotion time, and they wanted nothing to do with it. I can't really blame them, it was cold. So I tried to explain that our house is very dry, that eczema runs in the family... Genevieve suggested that I put lotion on the walls, then it wouldn't be dry in here. Smartypants. And a few days ago, after being told by me that she was not allowed to have a snack so close to dinner, she thought for a minute and told me, "Jesus told me I can". Uh-huh, Jesus trumps Mommy, right? Lands sakes!

Rowan, on the other hand, is the dreamer. She somehow got stuck on the idea that Easter is a person, a girl, for whom she is going to wear a dress, and then Easter will tell her that she is "the prettiest girl", and then Rowan in turn will tell me that I am the prettiest girl. I guess that I am then obligated to pass on the compliment. Interesting. I did try to correct her thinking, just for the record. I don't think she really cared. She loves drama. Just today, as I was trying to get out the door to go to the salon, she told me sadly, " Mommy, if you go, you will leave us all alone". Yeah. All alone with her sister, brother, Aunt Christine, and her cousin Moses. Poor baby!

good - not a poem, but center alignment sure makes it look like one

2010-03-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

It is good to feel warm sun

good to see the one I love

good to hold small bodies close

it's good to eat donuts

good to smile into trusting eyes

good to ignore the chores and play

it is good to know the truth

and to jump with all your might

it is good to be present

and to get presents, too!

These were a few good moments from the last week or so:

Taking a walk

sisterly fun

Genevieve told me that she wants to sleep in the tree

Rowan giggles

my nephew Moses supervises Jude's piano lesson

poor little bubbers

2010-03-10T17:46:00.000-08:00

So lately my Jude has been a bit of a roller coaster. Beastie brute one minute, and the sweetest honey-pie the next. Never saw such a moody little peanut. He's working through some things, I guess. But tonight he lost his pacifier. Now, I've been meaning to get rid of that thing. The girls got theirs taken away at 12 month, so he is 3 months overdue, and I have just been avoiding the issue. As I have mentioned, he can have his cantankerous moments, and he has been sick on and off... honestly, I just don't want another battle on my hands. But he lost it. So I call that providential, and put the little fella to bed sans binky.

It took him about 30 minutes to get to sleep. I don't know how I ever got through letting the girls cry through their nighttime wake up period, 'cause it was a longish half-hour. But at any rate, I felt good about it, and so when he started up again, and more fiercely than before, I gritted my teeth and finished the blog post I was reading. When I went in to settle him down, he was on his knees, facing the wall, just screaming, and he didn't turn around when I came in. Then I tried to pick him up, and realized that the poor child's arm was stuck in the crib rails. Jerk Mom that I am! Fortunately, it wasn't wedged, it just needed a little room to straighten out, so as soon as I pulled the crib out from the wall, he pulled it out himself and stopped crying. So the pain couldn't have been too awful, but the poor dude!

I picked him up and cradled him as he settled, but it broke my heart to hear how his breath caught in his throat with each inhale, that sad sad mark of having cried too hard for too long. I distinctly remember that feeling from my childhood, how I wanted so badly to just stop crying and move on, but my physical body was so disturbed that I had to wait through that cooldown phase, when even my breathing bore the evidence of recent trauma. His deep breaths were the pitiful multiple catching ones. His puffy little face took me back to that nearly 10 pound newborn that I brought home from the hospital over a year ago. I could see him so clearly in this big guy's vulnerability.

I kissed his little twitchy face, his marshmallow cheeks, and his perfect full lips, and as he drifted back to sleep, his brow still slightly furrowed, I ached for his baby sensibilities, as he had had a bad night all around. But as I laid him in his crib and he made his little adjustments of comfort and habit, he reached down and felt around for his belly button, stuck his index finger in it, and looked completely peaceful. I guess he's already found his new pacifier.

sometimes you unravel...

2010-03-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

Seems like the minute you relax and say,

ok, I think I've got this... Thank you, God, for getting me to this point!

that's the minute that you start to unravel again.

I let my guard down, and gave glory to God. That's a good thing, don't get me wrong. A really good thing. It's just that those moments are the ones that really serve to piss off the darker forces at work, the ones who HATE when you feel good, and then give God the credit. Is 'piss off' a swear word? Anyway, life is just a lot of up and down, I guess. Unfortunately, I am a person who likes the easy times to stick around, I like a manual to be written out for me to handle certain situations with my children, times in which I am at a loss for words to explain the reason behind something, or when I might be speechless with anger or frustration. These times are frequent enough with 3 toddlers.

I feel, often enough, that I don't deserve these 3 cute little people, that I am going to scar them. I want them to retain this beautiful blush of innocence as long as possible, and I don't want to be a part of ruining that. I am human, of course, and they realize this, maybe. Just maybe, they understand that I make mistakes, too, but that I love them so much also. They certainly do forgive me. They gaze at me in adoration still, they go around the house singing, they hug me and kiss me, and tell me they love me, spontaneously, and sweetly.

I enjoy them. They love olives. They turn the lights on throughout the house with long handled serving spoons. They snuggle each other, and giggle under forts. They dance, and their eyes light up when they hear certain songs. They also put their feet in the toilet and track their pee around the house. They hurt each other, and watch how their teasing and grabbing can elicit a reaction. They are human, too. I am trying to be patient with them, as they repeatedly forgive my over-reacting.

the magic of ordinary days

2010-01-30T17:19:00.000-08:00

So, yeah, there happens to be a Hallmark movie playing at this moment by that name, but I like it, it describes accurately what life can be. Not always, but sometimes. There are moments. Like the moment I captured earlier today, of my two little nymphs, sitting on their brand new toy shelf, watching the snow come down.

My Dad brought this wonderful shelf that he made for the girls' room today, and we promptly filled it up with books and toys, and I am left wondering what on earth we did with all of this stuff before?! I think that after two difficult pregnancies, in somewhat quick succession, I am finally nesting. Ridiculous, I know, but I think I was too sick to feel that nesting instinct that pregnant women are supposed to feel at the tail end of their pregnancy. I kept waiting, hoping for a burst of energy, a little motivation, but it never came. Now that Jude is over one year old, I am finally feeling like I understand how to juggle 3 babes and cooking, laundry, and housework. This actually excites me, and I have been accomplishing small tasks this week that have been on my to do list for a year and a half.

Anyway, all this to say that when I knew that the shelf was coming, I fantasized about which toys would go where, how we could get most of the kid's toys and books into their room and out of the living room. So in about 15 minutes flat, I had that thing filled up, and arranged to my liking.
Yes, I am BORING. My heart is delighted by small feats of organization. And butterfly wings. It's been a good day. A good week.

midget news

2010-01-28T11:18:00.000-08:00

The baby boy we call Jude is finally becoming a bit more independent with the walking; he will now walk across the room... this is a relief to me, because, although I have been told that 14 months is the average for walking, it just feels late to me. Mostly because since about 6 months, the doc kept telling me how he was definitely gonna walk early, so I started waiting for it. But poor child, he is tall for his age, and chubby, and he has rather diminutive feet... so he had his work cut out for him. He's like the Hippo ballerina on Fantasia, and if that sweet lady didn't have animators making her dance, I'll bet she would have had a hard time making a go of it, even on 4 feet!

The girls are saying the most hysterical and insightful things. Rowan told me that Mary was going to give me another baby in my belly (no, no, nuh-uh). Apparently she is catholic. She then proceeded to explain, "Jesus' mommy was Mary, and God is his Daddy". Well, I guess if you are three, it would make sense that Mary would have a hand in all things baby-related. I in know way mean to say that catholicism is silly or juvenile, just that I understand how my child drew her conclusions.

Also, less sacred, more profane... As I changed Jude's first diaper of the morning, I mumbled, to myself, "Boy, your butt smells like fried chicken." Genevieve promptly added, "Mommy, my butt smells like french fries!" She was very proud. We all are, actually. This age is difficult, as the twins wish to challenge every rule, but it is great fun, too, because their comprehension is really improving, and they are incredibly enjoyable to talk with and listen to. They don't quite understand why their wants can't dictate their behavior, and we are working to instill in them a sense of self-control. This is not always successful, but I do see from time to time, that they are starting to get it. I guess many of us could still stand to learn this lesson.

vacation is over, and we mourn

2010-01-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday the students returned to campus. Ah, the end of our blessed winter break. This means that now Dan is back to working two full time jobs, back to running from day job to traffic, to office, to meetings, to office again, with scarcely time to eat dinner or shower. It means no more long naps on the sofa, not quite left alone. No more dinner and bedtime with the family every night. It means that I will go back to eating a bar of chocolate every night, because I am antsy and bored and missing the company of my very best friend. Of course, there are other things I could do... I just really love dark chocolate.

This is the time of day when we all want to sleep... from about 1 to 4pm, we all struggle to find things to do to keep alert. If the girls crash, they won't sleep at night, even if it is only for half an hour. But all we really want to do is snuggle up on the couch and close our eyes! Jude is napping, and the girls beg for a movie and their pillows. My sleepy mind begs to give it to them, so I can crash along with them. Ahhhhh, it is so tempting to just allow it! But really, these girls will be up until 11 if I do that, and I will be cranky and frustrated that the evening time no longer belongs to me. So we struggle through, pull out new clothes, get our bodies moving, anything to distract ourselves from the afternoon lull, and the soft couch, and the warm lazy light.

a roll of film

2010-01-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, an actual roll. As in 35mm. Adjust the actual aperture and shutter speed, capture an image created from light, and an old-fashioned kind of magic.

Jude makes a beeline for a certain drawer of miscellaneous junk anytime my bedroom door is open. The things he finds! Today he handed me a roll of TMAX 100 speed b/w film. Instantly, I was having flashbacks.

Pitch black zigzag hallway into the darkroom, pupils slowly adjusting to the dim red light. The smell of chemicals. The magic of a blank white sheet of paper with the right cocktail of light exposure, developer, stopper, and whatever else we used to use in there, suddenly reavealing an image captured by a little black box. Locking myself into a pitch black closet, and learning to assemble and disassemble a film canister, and loading the precious film into it, realizing that if I were blind, I could find a way to make it work. Not that it would be easy, or anything, but being able to do something complicated with hands only, and no eyes, is a strange and potent confidence builder.

Also, there was something else. Something that at the time, I did not notice, or even value. Freedom. Just complete and utter freedom. I mean, yes, I had a part time job, and classes, and work to complete, but oh my. I served coffee, goofed around with coworkers, and made people smile by remembering their usual drink. And my homework was pottery, taking pictures, making paintings, writing essays. But really, I could go where I wanted, when I wanted. I did not really answer to anyone, and my mind was self-absorbed, uncluttered with the cares of other lives for whom I might be (AM) responsible.

That was another life, one that it's actually hard for me to believe I ever lived. If it were not for these vivid memories that surface every now and then, I wonder if I would forget all about it! They were good times, fun times, crazy times, and there are certainly aspects of those time that I miss now and then, but the truth is, there is a lot more weight in what I am doing now. Yes, there may be a frustrated artist inside of me still , but I am finding tiny ways to let her out, small outlets, and I rest in the knowledge that those tiny ways will find eventual expansion. Ok, so maybe I don't always rest in the knowledge; sometimes I squirm and writhe and fidget restlessly, but it passes. After all, those small outlets are holes that will stretch with use, changing shape, grow into actual windows, out of which my soul will pour. Or maybe ooze. My soul may be a little congealed from long stillness. Wait. No. NO. My soul has not been still, and it took me just writing that to fully realize it.

Even this little space is a small aperture, where I can squeeze out a bit of soul goo. I can't even bring myself to post without an image, that should tell me something. That's why I called it "fingerpaint" - If I have to paint with my keyboard, then so be it.

Wonderful things

2009-12-29T08:40:00.000-08:00

My niece made this nativity scene for me a while back. A good while back, at least 8 years ago. But it has been a while since Dan and I have fully decorated for christmas, and I was so happy to be able to put this up. There are things that bring me back to my childhood Christmas experiences - certain ornaments, certain smells, but this is a new classic. It is one of the few things that as an adult, puts these new Christmases on par with the ones sweetened by nostalgia. Just read that inscription held by the angels, written from memory, the perfectly imperfect memory of a sweet little 6 year old!
It has a place of honor on our bookshelf, in the middle of the living room. The kids love it almost as much as I do. The expressions on these little faces just put me over the moon. The close-up of the 3 wise men didn't come out very clear, so I skipped it, but goodness gracious, I practically cry they make me laugh so hard. It's really one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given, and Dan has given me some really good gifts, let me tell you!
These figures have become part of what makes Christmas, Christmas. I love that they will become part of what my kids remember, they will be for them what a certain little dancing lamb with a golden tinsel tambourine ornament was for me...

We did not have a "normal" Christmas this year, since the twins were sick. The house became a hole of messiness, and we ate peanut butter crackers for Christmas dinner. None of us really had time to think about things; we put most of our energy into fever reduction efforts, so it's only now that I am getting a chance to reflect a bit. "Forever rest" kinda sounds good right now, but it also sounds a little ominous... how cute is that, though. Childhood misunderstandings and mispronunciations are just so wonderful to me. It's still Christmas, right, until New Years?

leaky Christmas, and feverish, but still sweet

2009-12-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, my, what a Christmas. Fevers raging, we skipped the traveling from house to house and stayed home. Poor girls, being sick on Christmas is no fun, but they did have a good time opening their presents. It was probably better to have it quiet and calm, them being the age that they are.

I have wonderful memories of Christmas, all ethereal, insubstantial memories: the smell of a candle just snuffed out, the mysterious shimmer of gifts in shiny wrapping under a lit tree, anticipation pleasantly gnawing at my stomach, and the odd feeling of it all being over too soon, almost as though it never happened... except that I would have a treasure or two to remind me that it did. The look on the girlies faces this morning showed me that they were feeling the magic and wonder, too, and that made me happy. They also sat quietly and sweetly, while we read the christmas story together and prayed before digging in and tearing up.

Tonight, after a dinner of crackers and the administering of Tylenol, we put the girls in their beds and found water bubbling the ceiling and walls in their bedroom. Super. Dan called our upstairs neighbors to make them aware of the situation and ask permission to go in and check things out, as they were out for the evening and he has a key. They responded by laughing. This did not sit well with me. My kids are sick with a 103 degree fever, and they cannot even sleep in their own beds on Christmas night. I know, though, that these people don't have children, much less sick ones, and can afford to be careless about things like this. It isn't their fault that the leak in their apartment was not given the attention that it should have. Grrrrr.

like sandpaper and bare...

2009-12-08T17:55:00.000-08:00

ass. yes, that's what I said. It's from a movie, as many of you may know. Referring to 2 people who can't get along, an alternative to "oil and water". But I am using it here to describe a general soul chaffing. I have been rather up and down lately, have you noticed? Perhaps I suffer a bit from depression, or possibly bipolar disorder. or, maybe it's just this stage I am in, where I popped out 3 babies in two years, and I have not quite managed to get a handle on myself, my relationships, and my strategy for getting through a day. I am not trying to be flippant about chemical imbalances, I really am just wondering what the source of all this angst might be.

I am a fundamentally insecure person. Sad, but true. I second guess just about everything that I do and say. It is rare that I come out of a situation and feel that I handled it well, whatever it might be, from an interaction with one of my kids to a simple evening out. I mean really, I recently got out of the house for a couple of hours, with some friends, and a couple of days later, I find myself thinking about the way I acted, or something I said, and I am embarrassed. I think to myself, wow, you are such an irritating person. Ok, while I am writing this, a few things pop into my head that were perhaps good things that I have done recently. Ways in which I have handled myself well. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

Someone recently said to me that it isn't feelings that matter, it's results. But I find that I simply can't agree. If I accomplish something, but I don't like the way I've arrived there ( for instance someone's feelings got hurt, or I lost my temper), it just doesn't add up. The ends don't justify the means. And maybe I failed to accomplish something that I had set out to get done, but ran into some roadblocks... wouldn't it be better to try another way around than to smash my way through, doing damage along the way? Or is that my insecurity popping up again, telling my that I just don't have the confidence to make things happen?

Ok, I know this is an odd, slightly disjointed, and vague post. I'm sorry, truely. But my thought are very scattered. However, my children are all asleep before 8:30! Hooray!

A long weekend is over, oh drat

2009-12-01T12:07:00.000-08:00

A quiet moment never lasts long; in fact, I can hear Jude gummily voicing his opinions from the back room... Hey, if Dr Suess can make up words, so can I. I mean really, "punkerish"? "thneed"? somehow, he gets his point across beautifully.

Thanksgiving weekend was sweet. truly. Dan was home with us for 4 straight days, with no obligations. And we had such a fantastic time. I even made it into a few pictures that I didn't take! Amazing.

So now I am going through withdrawal, as Dan is back to work in earnest. he didn't get in last night until 3am, and then the alarms (all 5 of 'em) started sounding promptly at 5:30. Ugh, and today is not promising to be much better. Thank goodness for a winter break looming close by. I am tired of juggling kids. I really had it down with the 2 girls, but Jude just throws a major kink into my system. He is a delight, but it is just tricky being so outnumbered! And these smarties take full advantage. I have not yet grown eyes in the back of my head, and my multitasking skills are pitiful to behold... maybe having eyes in the back of your head amounts to no more than the assumption that IF my child is not in my sight, then said child IS up to something.

And after Harry Potter, having eyes in the back of one's head takes on a more sinister meaning. So, maybe I will make do without them...

There is chicken defrosting in the kitchen, and I am waiting for it to tell me what it wants to be made into tonight. Something sans noodles. I am all noodled out. Watch, I will make rice, or potatoes, and my children will moan, "I want noodles, Mommy!" These kids, man, they sure know what they want. It's to be envied at times, this single-mindedness. Not to be distracted, not to be appeased by less than the goal's accomplishment. I could learn a little something from them. Perhaps I ought to give them more opportunities to show me their simple wisdom.

getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

2009-11-24T20:18:00.000-08:00

This is a jolly little person who I kinda like. He is rowdy and rough, as well as cuddly, sweet, and pretty smart. He doesn't say much, but his personality is starting to really develop. He thinks that his sisters are the coolest, and crawls around after them all day. But he doesn't like it when they sit on his Mommy's lap. He could walk if he wanted to, I think, but he likes to crawl, because he can move like lightening on all fours. His will is strong, but he is super affectionate. Jude is my fat little bundle of happiness.

Rowan is my dreamy child. She has finally stopped wearing this tutu every single day, all day, with her Cinderella shoes. She loves to sing, and once I sang my way through "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" a la Opera Man, she started singing her every word. I love it. She is dramatic to a fault, and cuddly like a little puppy. She has a touch of OCD I think... she wants things to be pronounced correctly, and doesn't like her socks to be twisted.

Genevieve likes her berries, acorns, rocks, walnuts, whatever out-of-doors collectibles she can get her hands on. And she likes to have her collections documented for posterity. She is full of imagination, and her mechanical mind is always leading her to make interesting arrangements and towers with odd groupings of household items. Her knowing little smile is full of humor, and she would prefer to fall asleep with her arms wrapped around one of her parents, as close as close gets.

The funny little idiosyncrasies of my kids are one of the things that keep me going. These days I don't feel much like I am handling things very well. I lose my patience, I get overwhelmed, I look forward to nap time. But they are always surprising me with how resilient they are, how forgiving they are, how much they love me. Having them all so close in age is unbelievably crazy right now, but I know that in a couple of years it will get easier. At least I like to think so. The challenges will change, at least, and there will be a time when the laundry is not filled with peed-on clothes. That's my light at the end of the tunnel!

It's no wonder we feel confused

2009-11-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

The things that have been going on lately are just unreal. In a relatively short amount of time (the last 10 weeks or so), we have experienced a violent swing of events and emotions. There has been an engagement, 3 weddings, a tragic accidental death, a healthy birth of twins, an earth-shattering suicide, and just last night, what appears to be another attempted suicide, which Dan witnessed and helped to prevent.

What can be said about all of this? This chaos is what life is made up of, and yet, this seems like a ridiculously concentrated dose of huge events, some horrific and others beautiful. These events have also occurred disproportionately within Dan's circle of friends, family, and working relationships, especially the really difficult ones. This is wearing on him, and I feel helpless to alleviate the stress and emotional strain under which he finds himself. Honestly, I find myself blankly wondering how he is doing it, how he can even attend to the little voices of his adoring children, or the incessant calls and emails of his evening job, while also contemplating the possible loss of his day job.

The constant circle of life, death, love, and loss has never been so present, or so contradictory, and I feel that I am appreciating small moments more. I am strangely finding the time to draw and sketch more, also, and this time to find my center puts my small stresses into perspective. My heart continually returns to Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

And he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction,

out of the miry clay,

And he set my feet upon a rock making my

footsteps firm.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise

to our God;

Many will see and fear

And will trust in the Lord

Birthdays and Grey Hairs

2009-11-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I am so stinking tired. But I feel pretty good, otherwise. Life with toddlers has been far from easy, as they are all (including Jude) pushing me hard and testing their boundaries. However, I am keeping my cool, outwardly at least, even though I do yell sometimes. Who doesn't, right? Today was the girls 3rd birthday. Wow, three years old already, and Jude is nearly one. The girls got a lot of good stuff for their birthday, but I somehow ended up getting them a whole slew of thing with polka dots... boots, umbrellas, piggy banks, underwear, even wrapping paper! Goodness, how did I manage to do that without even realizing? fortunately, they like polka dots.

Ok, so it isn't "today" anymore, I mean it isn't last Thursday... I have had a really hard time finding the time and motivation to post. For one thing, I rarely get a decent night's sleep, and so when I have a little time alone, it usually turns into a nap. For another thing, my kids seriously resent it when I look at a computer screen for more than 30 seconds. It's just not worth trying - it took me 30 minutes last night to type out an email, because they just couldn't stand my attention being so absorbed by something other than them. Oh, my darlings!

So, I have noticed that I have a lot more grey hairs than I did 3 years ago... and in the typical temple region, so that if I pull my hair back they are very noticeable. Sigh. These two are without a doubt responsible for this! I guess they are worth it... just maybe... Here they are, looking remarkably similar. Hey, are they twins? Um, yeah. You wouldn't believe how many people ask me that. I suppose I should just dress them the same all the time, to avoid confusion.

My Dear One

2009-10-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

senorita slacker, here, is trying to post something that has been stewing for weeks... anyway, I will try to get some of it out now. Dan recently had a birthday, and I just really wanted to mention in a thousand words or less how wonderful he is to me. Seriously, he works two full time jobs to keep our bills payed, our health insurance great, our living space secure, food in our bellies, and Mommy at home with the three midgets, because in these early years we feel that it's important. He works his fingers to the bone at two jobs which he does not particularly love, and he does it for us. This kind of love is overwhelming and humbling.

Beyond all of this, he is hilarious, and I am so happy that we still keep each other laughing, that we still can tease each other that 'I am the funny one', as if there is only room for one humorous person in the relationship, and that as time marches on, it just adds more layers of meaning and enjoyment to our inside jokes. He makes our kids laugh, and they get his sense of humor, like when he calls them the wrong name on purpose, and they respond by calling him 'Mommy'. I hope he imparts to them his sense of confidence as they grow older, because it is just so pleasant to be around someone who is at ease in their own skin, who makes no apologies for being himself. In short, I am lucky to have married the man I was meant for, and although it has taken me about 3 weeks just to finish this post in half-minute increments, I will just go ahead and say it... Happy Birthday my Dear One! I love you.

the knitting bug

2009-09-25T13:40:00.001-07:00

INSPIRATION:

TRANSLATION:

They can't be identical, and here is my proof

2009-09-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

Rowan's post-nap coif
Genevieve's practically perfect hair - how she wakes up like this is beyond me.

They both had ponytails, I took out the rubber bands, and tucked them in. The results are quite varied, I would say. And genetically dissimilar.

As I was helping Rowan assemble 8 layers of dress up clothes, she graciously kissed me on the cheek with a sweet smile and told me I was "just like God-Mudder". Glad to help all your dreams come true, honey bun. Bippity boppity boo.

an upswing, I think

2009-09-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so fall has really been something so far. I love the fall, but I have just been exhausted, not getting enough sleep, and the only time I have for blogging is when Jude is asleep, and he sleeps in the room with the computer (our bedroom). I don't generally want to risk waking him, but today, for some reason, I am reasonably sure that his deep sleep will remain deep. This boy is a source of much joy and hilarity for all of us. He is energetic, playful, funny, stinking cute, and very affectionate. But he is a normal baby, and his newest normal developmental stage is the discovery of gravity. he drops things constantly, and then expects them to be handed right back. He whines when the object is not returned to him. Little Booger.

I know that my girls were exceptionally easy babies. I mean unbelievably, practically perfect, Mary Poppins babies. So much so that I wondered if maybe they wouldn't be particularly smart - just happy, content, kind little people. I was fine with that possibility. I know now that I just had a very blessed babyhood with them. They never even drooled! I am serious! Of course, now, I am realizing how very smart and clever they really are, it just didn't kick into high gear until 2 years of age. I am fine with that, also, but man - what a difference between their babyhood and their precocious toddler-hood, plus a wild baby boy!

They are amazing me more every day, with their long sentences and their different senses of humor. I really enjoy their mispronunciations, also... meatlove (meatloaf), meep balls (meatballs), oapmeal (oatmeal), I don't know why, but the best ones seem to be food related. Oh, and stum (thumb) is another favorite of mine. I like these late afternoon photos... they just have a warm glow that makes me happy.
I got an hour long nap today, and I feel optimistic about things. Potty training is a very slow process, but it is mostly due to the fact that I am not very proactive about it.. I think the girls would have mastered it long ago if I would have just stepped up my game a bit... but slow is okay with us; I just really have to watch that I don't feel bad about it when people ask me why they are not trained yet. After all, it has been my own choice to take it easy, and it isn't anything to feel either guilty or competitive about. Bedtime is getting better, thanks in part to a renewal of patience and consistency on Dan's and my side of things, and some good advice from a fellow mother of twins (thank you, Clare!).

The girls were much more concerned that I take pictures of their "fwudders" (which is their fantastic was of saying flowers ), than of them. I tried to do both. And yes, I know that they are grasses, not flowers, but the girls will not be convinced of this.

As far as my general well-being goes, I am on an upswing, I think. But realistically, there is a lot of up and down in life and parenting, and I am learning , slowly, how to take these peaks and valleys in stride. Sort of. Sometimes.

Just for the sake of posting something!

2009-09-08T09:01:00.001-07:00

I have had a really hard time finding the time to post. and when I do have a bit of time, my thoughts are still scattered all over the map.

Jude has been sick, and the once innocent lower back / top of the diaper area is now eyed with suspicion by me at all times, because I have seen hideous flash floods, bubbling up like melted peanut butter from the pit of hell. I have been paralyzed with fear and uncertainty... do I pick him up and risk squishing it out more? do I leave him alone on the floor to possibly roll over and wreak havoc on the carpet while I fetch diaper, wipes, and plastic bags? Fortunately, he is better now, but the fear remains...

The girls have been slowly working with me on potty training. I really need to just buckle down - it isn't the twins who are dragging their feet, it's mommy. I just balk at adding anything new to the routine, it overwhelms me, and I just can't move forward. I don't know why that is, but it's not a character trait of which I am proud. Maybe I'll just slap some panties (yes, panties!) on them and they will learn the uncomfortable way. All talk, all talk and no action!

Summer is winding down and september has brought with it cool breezes and slightly lower temperatures. For this I am profoundly grateful, except that fall makes me want to spend money! Sweaters, boots, corduroys, big leather bags.. I dreamt about fashion last night, literally, and awoke feeling the craving to shop. Thank goodness for the 3 little ones that keep me out of the mall and anchored to reality!

Jude is becoming more and more mobile, and is cruising around, walking while holding on to the furniture. He just turned 9 months, and is a big fat joy to behold. And hold. He is delightfully cuddly. Rowan and Genevieve are bursting with run on sentences, and imagination, and willfulness. Dan and I are working on our patience. But we are also really enjoying our family. Trying to find the balance. Trying to remember that our weaknesses don't have to make us despair, because they give God a chance to show his strength.

Work it out. with fear and trembling

2009-08-11T19:51:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should not post. I feel like I ought to post something happy. Wait for something glorious to happen. Post about something good that happened last week. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes posting about the good things, even when I am not feeling good, makes me feel better, gives me a fresh peek at the delights of being a mother and a housewife.

But today I just feel like a hypocrite. I have prayed a number of times today. It has helped. It has lifted me out of blackness. For that I am thankful. But it keeps coming back. It's nearly 11pm. The girls are still awake, running around, taking off their clothes. Pulling out toys, getting into each other's beds. Ignoring the admonitions of their mother. This age is really tough, and I don't always like who I am when my patience is tried. That is stating things mildly. I have had awful thoughts today. Despairing, angry, and ugly. My actions have not been far off, either.

I would like to enjoy housework. I want to take pleasure in the process of setting this house to rights. At times I do feel that way. Most of the time, though, it is just drudgery. I think that in time, God can change my heart, but as of right now.... sigh. It is hard for me to commit to a task when I know that I will be constantly interrupted, pulled in various directions. It makes me cranky with my kids. So, many times I don't even start. Dan doesn't really enjoy coming home to a disaster area. He is kind, he is understanding, he does not pressure me. But still. I know that when he comes home to cleanliness and order, there is a relief and a peace that comes over his face. It's not lost on me. I used to hate cooking, but I am coming around and I enjoy having a good meal cooked and on the table when Dan arrives home. So there is hope for more progress, right? Please say that there is.

So, I feel powerless, but that is just pride, a need to be in control of my surroundings. I can give that up, hand it over. I read all these little photo captions, blogs, facebook status updates, about happy moms who (apparently) are in perfect harmony with the place in life in which they have found themselves. I feel envious, and I can give that up as well. Ok. I feel frustrated that I am not contributing any money toward running this household. I know that I am where I need to be, that my kids need me, and that my husband does not resent me. But I am used to working full time, bringing home a paycheck, and even after 2 1/2 years, I still feel funny about it. Deep breath, and let it go.

We are staring a small group in our home. We have had one meeting. It was last Friday. This is a really good thing, and we are so excited to finally be a part of something like this again. It gives me hope for quite a few things: 1) Practical application of God's word in my life. I can't wait to see some fruit, I know that I will. 2)Relationship building - with the other members of the group, but also with my immediate family members. 3)Keeping the house clean - nothing like visitors to motivate me!

In short, I have had (so far) a really tough week emotionally, and the spiritual foundation that I thought I had placed myself on, seems to have dissolved. Now of course, this makes all the sense in the world. I am more sure than ever that this new venture is the right one for us, that we have much growth to attain, and many new lessons to learn... that the peace that transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind. Because as dark as I may feel, as lost as I may think that I am (and I really am, I guess), there is One who has my back, so to speak. And His grace will be sufficient. I mean, who am I kidding - what other real option is there?

number nine and mr. eight months

2009-08-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today is Dan and my 9th anniversary. Wow, really? I can't really believe that. Apparently, the traditional gift for the 9th is pottery. Works well for us, since we have been collecting ceramic pieces in one form or another since we got married. Dan picked a gorgeous arts and crafts style vase, which goes well with a few others that he has given me over the last several years. This was quite unexpected, and I have to say, I LOVE IT. I think it might be my favorite yet.

He also came home with these... happy happy gerber daisies! What can I say, the man knows me. I made him a playlist and wrote him a letter, detailing the reason for each song. It sounds a little cheesy, but it wasn't. Music has always figured largely in our relationship, and it was really fun to choose songs that threw us back in time to one particular moment or experience. I could have picked many more songs, but I had to draw the line somewhere... editing is a good thing, I have been told. But it was a good gift apparently; he laughed, he cried... it has been quite a while since I have seen Dan cry. A good, emotional, happy cry. I feel very blessed to be married to such a funny, talented, loving, and devoted man. The last few years have been really different, adding children to the mix, and there certainly have been some challenges. But we always manage to steal a little bit of time for ourselves. I do miss our weekly dates, but our little "state of the union" chats are as constructive as ever. They are not always easy, but we both have the same goal: to grow closer, to love each other better, to be the best husband and wife that we can be, and now, the best parents that we can be.

Speaking of parenting, the fat little guy we call Jude is 8 months old today as well. It seems he now believes himself to be a big boy, because he suddenly started standing up in his crib. Nutty kid, he only started really crawling in earnest last week! Well, there he goes, he is officially a big shot. And very proud of himself, as you can see.

Christine and Anna

2009-07-27T16:49:00.000-07:00

So I was waiting until I had a good image to accompany my post... I just wish I had written it already, because it was so fresh in my mind over the weekend, and now I just feel like life has taken over again. Oh, whatever, I will stop whining and get down to it. On Friday night, my sister took part in a summer arts festival, if you will, for women. She had agreed to be a part of it without realizing that she was agreeing to be the keynote speaker for the entire thingamajig. She does not like public speaking, and has never before combined it with a drawing demonstration. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that she has ever really done a drawing demo, either. Well, she was pretty scared, but decided to pray and see what God might give her to share.

She asked if I would come, and just pray for her while she did her thing. I was happy to do so, and also excited to hear her speak, as she was going to give her testimony, something I had never had the pleasure of hearing. This was going to be good, I was sure, but I was completely unprepared for how affected I would be!

I feel like I should try to just tell the whole thing, but how lame that would be; it would have none of the vulnerability, humor, and power of the original.

Christine began by explaining where she was coming from, what God was currently teaching her, and the parable that he gave her which inspired the drawing she did while speaking. But she then told how she came to believe in Jesus, and how it was her conversion at 12 that brought my parents to him, and myself shortly after, at the age of 5. She spoke of my parent's transformation, and the wonderful stability of our home. I don't disagree, but it was so enlightening to hear her perspective. We are two different people, and as the baby of the family, I think I still have the tendency to think that the world revolves around me. I loved hearing about our childhood from the perspective of another pair of eyes. I loved hearing anew the story of how she met and married my brother in law, and how her children have changed her life and her identity for the better.

I had no idea how funny she would be! Her nervous energy and honestly combined with a natural goofiness superbly. She was so real and so beautiful. Toward the end, when her talk was over, and she needed to finish the drawing, my niece, Anna, sang and accompanied herself on the piano. That girl is incredible. Her voice is so pure and lovely, and the song was beautiful, I seriously had to contain myself, and really hold it together to keep from sobbing outright. She is only 13, but her passion is palpable, and her talent immense. I left feeling so full and happy and hopeful, not to mention proud of my incredible family.

Love Song to my Midgets

2009-07-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

We have walked to the playground. The girls run to play while I sit on the grass with Jude. He screeches, making his voice as hoarse as possible, ending in a faker's cough. How cute can a terrible, grating noise be? Cute enough! People are this kid's favorite toy, and I talk into his belly, making him laugh. He grabs my head on both sides, trying to munch my face. He is so close that I can't focus on him; his grey eyes are a blur of baby concentration. Behind his head is a startling blue sky with impossible fluffy clouds, and sycamore branches, leaves emerald in the sun. Singsong toddler voices converse nearby in the sandbox. I sing to him as best I can, the song I sang to him and to his sisters, while they grew like happy little aliens in my belly. An Irish lullaby - he pulls back to listen, always game for a song:

In this heart lies for you

A lark born only for you

Who sings only to you

My love, my love, my love

A love song more than a lullaby, I guess, but one that I reserve for my babies. Dan and I have many love songs, but this one is between Mommy and Little Ones. Such a smile I receive for my efforts!

Exhausted, we all fall asleep after the short walk home. After nap-time, we all wake up together, as if someone has pushed the wake up button. Jude is overjoyed to see Genevieve and Rowan, who in turn, are enthralled by his gummy smiles and bouncy attention. They coo over him, fawning. I love this interaction. Refreshed by their sleep, they get along with the renewed energy and enjoyment that a brief separation and a good rest can bring.

where my heart is happy

2009-07-20T12:15:00.000-07:00

So, for something to do with the girls, I bought a box of pasta with which to string necklaces. But it looked so boring, and I didn't really like the idea of painting individual ziti... so I thought I would try food coloring. It actually worked better than expected. Also unexpected was how enamored I became with the little glasses filled with food coloring and noodles!
I felt compelled to take their picture. It was like a candy shop, an array of flavors, mouth-watering colors, displayed in simple glass containers. I love things like this - the simplicity, the contrasts, the textures, are all like medicine for my tired mind.

The girls were fascinated, too, and I think they will have fun when they are all dry, making necklaces with yarn. But sometimes, I feel like I am doing it more for me than for them! I guess if I can find a project, no matter how simple, that can feed the artist in my soul, while still letting my kids make something that requires a little brain work and a bit of manual dexterity, then we all win.

2009-07-14T20:28:00.000-07:00

Today, the girls found a stag beetle at he playground, "Look mommy, a Daddy spider!" "No, that's not a spider, girls." "Yeah, it's a Moose." The thing was about 2 inches long - stag beetles never cease to amaze me... and gross me out, if I'm being honest.

Genevieve said, "mmm, that's really tasty, Mommy, thank you!" when she tasted her mashed potatoes tonight. At least I know some of the training is sinking in.

I actually am too tired to think straight, but those were the two highlights of a slightly difficult day. Really, I have to write it down, so why not write it here?

Rowan's in green, Genevieve's in pink, and the fat naked one is Jude

2009-07-07T11:49:00.000-07:00

So why is blogger such a control freak? why can't I have my photos in the order in which I upload them? And why isn't it giving me a font option? And why do I always have to fix the date? Lame-o. That's all I have to say about that. Anyway, a post is more boring when there are no photos, so this is to make up for the last one. Or to accompany it, and document our very low key 4th of July.

Hmmm

2009-07-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

Jude is trying so hard to crawl, moving from hands and knees to plank position, back to knees. Now and again I see a quick downward facing dog. He is so strong! And big - he weighed at 6 months what the girls weighed at 1 year. The girls have been so funny lately, saying the most hilarious things, and new words every day. Last night I put them all three in the bath for the first time. Jude was hysterical, screwing up his face into the most determined expression, and pounding away at the water as if it were his job. He would pause every so often to rub his wet eyes, and then get right back to it. Never cracked a smile once. After I pulled him out and wrapped him up in a towel, I just sat on the edge of the tub with him, while the girls continues their bath. Geneveieve looked up fondly at Jude, "Mommy, Jude's all wrapped up". yup, he is... and Rowan said "Aw, Jude's in a wrapper, like a little cheese stick!" I couldn't stop laughing.

On the other end of the spectrum, these girls are pushing me hard, disobeying constantly, refusing to go to sleep at night, getting completely naked, peeing in their beds. And they have had a nasty summer cold for over 2 weeks now. I think I will have to load them all up and take them to the doctor tomorrow. That ought to be fun. And my mood is just all over the place. I had a couple of weeks there, when I just felt really blessed with peace, but now I am just beyond a roller-coaster. I love these kids so much, but we are having a blast one minute, and then trying to deal with blatant defiance the next. I get so irritated by lack of logic in people... that makes it hard when dealing with small toddlers, huh? I just want them to understand, and be able to let me know that they understand, so I don't have to obsess over whether or not I am getting through to them.

I am so thankful for a supportive husband, who sees what I am dealing with, offers suggestions and prayer on-the-spot, but doesn't criticize or judge me. Also, he makes me laugh about it, and that is the best thing for me. It changes my perspective, changes my mood, and brings me back to myself. But honestly, I am just so tired, and sick of people who make it look easy. And jealous of people who get vacations, with or without children. Sorry if this post is a bit whiny... I'm trying to break the girls of it, but perhaps I need to lead by example.

goings on

2009-06-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

I took some pictures on Sunday at the prompting of my sister in law, and here a couple of my favorites... it has been a long end to a long weekend. We spent the weekend at my in laws house, which is always fun. However, it was a bit more business than pleasure, at least for Dan, who was helping to replace the deck in the front of the house. The rain kept interrupting him, and they kept running into snags. This meant that we stayed an extra 24 hours. This would be fine if it was just me and Jude, but the girls really start to act up (at least toward me) when they are out of their usual element for an extended period of time. They would probably do better if I wasn't there at all; I think it messes with their heads. They think they are on vacation, and here's Mommy, trying to maintain the status quo. What a party pooper!
I am reminded of what a homebody I really am. Without enough clothes or diapers or sleep, I feel like I can't quite relax, and when my kids are not behaving well toward me, it's kind of a hit to my self-esteem. I'm fine now, with some decent rest and hindsight. My dear Mom and Dad Costa are so fantastic, and they really are a surrogate family. I can't relate at all to in-law horror stories, and I count myself blessed. Nevertheless, I hit a wall on Sunday afternoon, and just had to get home. So Mom Costa graciously offered the use of her mini-van, so that I wouldn't have to put a car seat in the front of our tiny Civic, and I made my way home.... ah, home.
The kids all slept the entire way, and an hour later we pulled up to our beloved porch, unloaded, and spent a wonderful 3 hours paying out there, eating dinner, coloring, knitting, and taking some pictures. It was amazing the difference it made to my soul. The kids seemed relieved to be there as well, but perhaps they were just happy to see me completely relaxed.

Today, I got to put all three kids in the van, and go grocery shopping for the first time. Pushing a cart with one of those kiddie cars on the front , and Jude squeezed into his infant seat on the top, was like shoving a small automobile with no power steering around the aisles. But I felt good, and independent, and as if I were getting my legs a bit of a workout. An hour later, amid some pushing and hair pulling and whining, we loaded ourselves back up, and made our way home. Now my little ones are all tucked snugly onto their beds, sleeping like angels. I feel good. The first shot is Rowan, the second Vivi, and Jude is letting me borrow his head to size up a work in progress.

Today

2009-05-30T10:24:00.000-07:00

Today I feel unflappably calm. Nothing can ruffle my feathers. It's a nice feeling to just roll with it; whatever "it" may be.

today I am enjoying a big Wawa coffee, made exactly the way I like it.

TODAY a woman asked me what the age difference was between my two daughters. I should have been a smart-ass and told her "4 minutes", but that didn't occur to me until later. They were even wearing the same outfit in the same color, which almost never is the case.

Today I shook off the sleepies and got up to the playground before lunch. This, also, is almost never the case. I think I will make it a priority to do that more often. I might actually meet some of the other women and children who live here on campus. I found out that there are over 30 kids under the age of 18. I had no idea - I thought there were perhaps 10. I know that I can be a homebody, but jeez!

Today all 3 kids are asleep at the same time, and I think I shall follow suit.

more fun than we know what to do with

2009-05-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

Genevieve
Rowan
Solemn preparations for the cookie making extravaganza. Why does silly blogger reverse the order of my photos? Does it have something to do with selecting "center" for the format today? Annoyance! Oh well. So we have been having a good day so far. I have decided that since we are stuck at home for the most part, I will try my hardest to make home the most desirable place to be. That includes making things clean, so it's a work in progress at best. But I have plans, and that is a good feeling. I can't really plant things, so I am considering a container garden on the porch. hmmmm, I guess we'll see, I have never had much of a green thumb.
I made some play-dough today while the girls slept. I never knew it was so easy! Well, I did, only I never made the cooked kind, and it's so much better! plus, I can make it whatever color I want...

Poor kids, they are in for it. They're just getting down the basics of color, and here comes Mommy with a tray of play-dough with names that read like a J. Crew catalogue. No honey, that's not red, it's paprika. Let your sister use the mulberry dough... no, the purple one! I give up, pass me the green. No primary color schemes for these artsy-fartsy toddlers! Now, if I can only keep them from mixing up the colors... (Laughing)... Actually, I don't know if my camera has captured the true subtlety of these dough balls and their hues... I think I need to paint.

So wow, pandora has got my number... it's like an autobiographical radio station today! It's the perfect thing to blog to... it makes me feel like me, past and present, and who knows, maybe they'll throw me something new to move into the future with!

falling in love again

2009-05-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

I am falling in love again... and not with my husband. I am still in love with my husband, of course, he is so very awe-some.

But I am falling in love with my kids again. We have recently been having a bit of a rough time, terrible twos and all of that, but this week, there has been a wonderful explosion. An explosion of everything, really; they are suddenly communicating so clearly, multiple new things coming out every day. They are imagining so independently, using funny voices, telling me all sorts of things, counting, saying their ABC's, speaking in paragraphs, it's just hilarious and fun. Now for the potty training to kick into high gear. That part is up to me, of course. They are letting me know that they are getting ready, so I had better get ready, too. And Jude, he is just a dream (aside from waking up every 3 hours at night)... who could resist those cheeks and thighs! He is growing so fast, and his personality is mostly sunshiny. I can't believe the spellcheck didn't balk at that. So sunshiny is a word... must try it in a game of scrabble. Oh, I am just so glad that we are having fun, since we're housebound during the week! And I love Mondays, too, because my Mom comes to help me out, and the girls just love it as well. So I'm feeling good, and so are my little ones, and for that I am thankful.

I just wanted to share some of my favorite pictures from recent days; top to bottom: (1)Tea party on the porch, Rowan in red shorts (2)Tummy time (3)Genevieve and Gypsy (4)Genevieve in her choice of outfits (5)Nude Jude (6) Rowan and a feather. Fun, fun, fun!

of cabbages and kings...

2009-04-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

It has been difficult to blog lately. Not only am I challenged in the area of time, but now I have to do it standing up! And that's not really my favorite thing, not when I have 3 kids asleep and should be sleeping myself. Pecking away at the keyboard from bed, well, ok, I'll spend a little time on the computer. But standing up? Blech. And that is honestly the entire reason why I haven't posted in so long. The airport burned out or something (that's a technical term), and so I have to plug in directly to the ethernet cable. Putting a crib in the bedroom pretty much blasted our plans for a desk / computer area, so I am typing at the bureau, which is decent standing height, at least.

This is how Rowan wakes up in the morning. I can only surmise that she does a lot of head turning, or some vigorous thrashing. I call it her sleepy snarl. She wakes up from her nap like that, too. It's really quite wild. And I love it. It reminds me of me, I guess, as a little squirt.

This is how Genevieve emerges from sleep. Pretty much perfect. This has earned her the nickname of Hollywood Hair, to which she replies, "Name Geneveive. Noelle. Costa." Pretty much all of their sentences come out like this, as if each word were a statement in itself. I quite enjoy it. She loves her name, which makes me happy. I hope that she always does. Rowan has a bit of a harder time pronouncing Elizabeth. Generally it comes out, "Iiiiiiiiiiffff". She'll get there.

I have been blessed with really cuddly children. It works for me, because I am a cuddly person, and never get tired if little arms around my neck, impromptu kisses, and sleepy heads on my shoulder. Except when it is 90 degrees out. Thank God for air conditioning. Really. Yesterday was kinda rough. Much better today, with the big noisy window unit pumping full blast. It's annoying, but so worth it. Jude is the coddliest of them all, I think. I just lulled him to sleep. He really fights it sometimes. I laid him in his crib and he started wailing with desperation the second I began to lower him down. Stinker. So I let him be for a bit, reinstalled the pacifier a few times, sang a little song. His eyes are so heavy, but he still keeps throwing up both legs and banging them down, clutching at his face. It's not always like this, maybe he was overtired. But what finally got him to relax, was me holding both his hands up by his head in his favorite sleep position, and then bending down and squashing my face into his neck. It took about 20 seconds. He really likes being smothered with cuddles.

Oh, that little nerd! he is awake already! Ok, time to eat something before I am in demand again.

Me and Fatty Mcgee

2009-04-01T20:10:00.000-07:00

So here we are, looking a bit tired, ok, very tired. But happy. We had a good day today. Yesterday, not so much. But If I can continue in this day to day, new mercies, let go of control thing that I am working on, then we are heading in a good direction. We just enjoyed each other today, all of us.

Jude was happy and fat and delicious as per usual, and the girls were sweet and funny. we played outside for a bit in the wetness, ran around the house, and were silly. Dan called out sick, and after sleeping in for a good, long time (he averages 4 hours of sleep a night), he offered to stay with the girls and Jude so that I could go out! Blessed man. But in a sick twist of fate, he called me half an hour into my excursion, because he had started throwing up on his sick day. I have to say, as unexpected as my outing was, I had to fight back tears to have it so quickly taken away again. But he tried, poor guy, and it was greatly appreciated. And I did manage to score a little, hot-pink book, entitled "potty training sucks". It has been making me giggle already this evening.

After dinner, the girls actually played in their room for a couple of minutes (literally), and I got to whip out a notebook and make some quick sketches of the world's wiggliest live model. He didn't really want to keep still, but hey, I drew something. I honestly can't remember the lat time I did that! It felt nice, and I didn't get frustrated, even though I was less than thrilled with the results. It was practice, and it was better than nothing. I must remember that I can squeeze a bit of practice into my regular day, without having hours set aside. Lesson learned. Hopefully there will be more days like this... 3 kids is just rough, when they are so little! Two was not too bad, once a strategy was worked out, and I got to go wherever I wanted, basically, as long as I had the double stroller... but for now we are housebound, and we are learning to make it bearable, even enjoyable.

waiting for the sea change

2009-03-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

Ah, life. One day running into the next, never-ending chores, "didn't I just finish this?". It's hard for me to separate the weeks from one another, let alone the days. I don't like this fact. I suppose it is up to me to make each day different and special. I feel a bit guilty, but I must admit that this idea makes me feel exhausted. Sometimes it's easy, but some days I am just struggling to maintain composure, or to stay awake. It's like a hamster wheel that just doesn't let up. Punctuated, of course, by some very, very delightful moments. I can't pretend that it's all bad; 2 year olds can be hysterical, and also very sweet. And the fat legs of a three month old are delicious, even on the grumpiest of days.

It's just that I get this nagging feeling that I should be accomplishing more in a day, or creating something, or just having some adult relationships. I miss my friends. I can't go anywhere without a babysitter (my little civic doesn't fit 3 car seats), and honestly, where would I go? Not to the store, can you imagine? there wouldn't be room for anything in the cart but babies! I remember feeling like this with the twins, before I figured out a strategy for getting around. I know that this is just a season, and I really want to enjoy Jude's babyhood while it lasts, but I am feeling like I have lost my identity to these children, and I fear I might never get it back. Not that I don't expect my character to be altered and improved by motherhood, but there is more to me than Mommy, and I need those other parts of me to really be fulfilled and happy. Jeez, I blogged about this after the girls were born, I think, this identity crisis of mine, but I did not expect this season to be extended with the birth of another child. Not so soon, anyway.

I read back over an old draft that I never posted, and wow, I was terrified when I found out that I was pregnant again. Out of my mind scared. I knew what I was in for, and I knew that it would be really difficult. And it is, it so is. I get out of the house so rarely... Dan is sweet enough when he is home on saturdays to send me out alone, just to have some time to myself, and I usually end up reading parenting books at Borders. Lame, lame, lame-o! Sounds like a Rachel Ray ingredient. I got such a charge out of unexpectedly running to the store to buy diapers on a weeknight last week! I am embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. Seriously, I had the window down as I drove, and I was singing and laughing in a slightly hysterical manner, just feeling so free for about 15 minutes! I wonder if I am a little depressed. I feel like a single mom, sometimes, with Dan working 2 full time jobs, but that is what needs to be done for now. That too, is just a season. I can't really feel like a single parent, because I know that I have love and support and a man who, if I really needed him to, would drop everything to come home and pick up the pieces, glue me back together, and kiss the bruises all better.

So I have the three kids that I am meant to have, and they are fantastic. I just can't wait until we can all go out in one car, and go bowling together, maybe with some other friends. Or just leave them ALL with one pair of grandparents for a night, without having to worry about getting back to nurse a baby! I am praying that I take advantage of this time at home with them on a more regular basis. I hope I don't sound like I hate my life... more days than not, I don't. I am just looking forward to having a better grip on things. It's a gradual process, I know... there probably won't be an actual sea change moment, just a day in the future when I realize that we're getting there.

projects, toddler hygiene, and laughs

2009-03-05T08:20:00.000-08:00

This morning, Rowan grabbed my facial moisturizer off of the bathroom sink, exclaimed "chapstick!" and proceeded to rub the bottle on her armpits. I guess she's got a few years to figure it out.

The pig is poised to jump, and the owls are wary.
Do I have control issues? I do NOT like to be told which color crayon to use! Genevieve is constantly handing me a new color, "here... here... here" and is not the slightest bit ruffled when I take it and put it down, while trying to complete whatever masterpiece was already underway with another color. She just picks it back up... "here, Mommy". Rowan, on the other hand, demands a change.. "no-no, Mommy, no more purple!", when I politely explain that I would like to finish with the purple crayon. Maybe I should just take the new crayon and switch gears, but no sooner do I do this, then a new one is handed to me, "here, Mommy, here...". Girls, don't you understand, this is Mommy's only creative outlet?Well, almost. The nubbly knitting in the previous post has become this hat, the second run-through of a design that still is not working out... it looks cute, but it falls off at the slightest movement. It fit well until I added the scalloped edging, which stretched everything out, somehow. Aaaargh. I guess it just shows my inexperience. Time to rip it out and start over for the third time, I suppose. It should be a delicious cream puff of a hat, if I can ever get the fit right!

cozy day in

2009-03-02T12:16:00.000-08:00

What's cozier than a hug from a corduroy rocking horse? Maybe plaid flannel and some pink nubbly knitting. It's a cozy cuddly day for us, and we are enjoying ourselves.
So the rocker is not so cozy, as it is waiting on the porch in a snow drift. It would be nicer to have it inside, so I could sit and knit, and feel like a real grandma.

So, yes, most days are "day in", by definition, but today is a snowy, blustery day, and I am embracing my position in life. I sometimes think that I need to wait for something interesting or noteworthy to happen in order to post something, but that could take a while... and besides, that would be a very misleading representation of what my life is like. I am waiting for the girls to fall asleep so that I can take a shower. They are taking a really long time, and boy do I need a shower! On the plus side, I am thankful for our unbelievably strong heat, as our place is super draughty. There are some suspicious noises coming from the girls room, I guess I had better check it out. Sigh. Screetching and crashing are never good.

Snowy days make me think of my parents. My Dad was a work horse in the snow, shoveling our long driveway, clearing the steps, throwing down ice melter, keeping everybody safe. But he was also our playfellow, and built snow forts, took us sledding, and enthusiastically photographed it all. My Mom, always the caretaker, would lay out a pathway of towels to keep us from drenching the floor, and would always have a batch of homemade hot chocolate simmering on the stove, waiting to soothe our wind-burnt cheeks and fingers. There is a certain feeling when it snows, having to do with the extra silence, and the anticipation of fun, the freedom from school, I think I'll always feel the same way. Snow days make me happy still, and I hope that my kids have as warm memories of their snow days as I do of mine.

because it's Monday!

2009-02-23T11:50:00.000-08:00

The strawberries were ripe, and what was I going to do with a gigantic 17 oz. bar of Belgian bittersweet chocolate? Who needs a special occasion? I ran out of berries, so I dipped some bananas, but I still had some chocolate left... so I sat down with a glass of milk and a spoon, and I don't feel bad. I feel great. Anyone wanna come over for dessert tonight?

Sugar and Spice

2009-02-17T13:08:00.000-08:00

It is so enjoyable to be a mother of girls. Not babies, but real, full-fledged, pink-draped, glitter-loving GIRLS. We had a lovely day today, playing with the dollhouse, dressing up, giggling, and taking pictures. I loved it so much, we had a delightful interaction, lunch was eaten without complaint, and finally, a nap was calmly and happily taken (and is still in progress). I want to be a patient woman, one who can be confided in, a mother who is trusted with the delicate treasures that lie in the heart of sensitive little peanuts. Rowan and Genevieve are at a difficult age, as one might have gathered by previous posts, but they are also at a very wonderful age, where the things that they learn on a daily basis are quickly displayed, and their need for affirmation is painfully obvious. They communicate so eloquently, with their body language as much as their words, and I find that I can miss so much of what they are telling me, if I get caught up in being a mom who just wants everything to be easy, or convenient, or ...clean...

I just really want to be present in this time of their lives. I catch myself wishing I could fast forward a bit. Jump to "potty training complete!" or, "Jude nurses every 4 or 5 hours", or "wow, those girls speak in very clear and complete sentences!", or presently, "they stay in bed at night, once we tuck them in". Ah, but so much would be missed, even though some trials would be skipped. I am trying to consider this, like other obstacles in my life, as character building. It feels like character cracking, though, sometimes. But I just need to keep mornings like this one in my heart and mind, like little snapshots, available to be pulled out and relived, when the not-so-sweet moments threaten to overwhelm me.

So my question right now is - when you tell your kid that a certain consequence will follow a certain disobedient act, but you realize that this particular consequence was not appropriate, maybe, do you follow through anyway, to be consistent, or do you drop it, and move on from there, considering it a lesson learned for Mommy? I am perhaps answering my own question. Ah, the joy of being wrong, and squirming in the knowledge! Progress is so hard to see when you are right in the thick of it.

here and there

2009-02-11T05:55:00.000-08:00

So I 'm not really sure why I bother writing some things down here - I sometimes think that the computer is like that friend you talk to every day, discuss daily details with, vent to, etc. Basically, my husband, if my husband were available at odd times during the day. Writing it here helps me remember later when he wants to know how my day was! So the bedtime blues are up and down, some days are good, some days are awful. I guess I am using a combination of tactics to keep the twins in bed, and progress is very slow. I feel partially as if I should have made the transition to a toddler bed at 18 months, and partially as if they should still be in a crib, with a crib tent. I just found out that those actually exist... not sure what I think of that...

Jude is sick again. The girls are also, but it's just not so worrisome with 2 year olds as it is with a 2 month old. It's just the season, I guess, but it is really frustrating, because we hardly go out, and still the sickness finds us. This time through Dan. Poor guy, he had it really bad. And now he has decided to go on a diet. I flat out refused to do it with him, no way! I am nursing, and I find it hard enough to get enough food without restrictions. Plus, my kids need their carbs! And their fruit. I feel like an un-supportive wife, but he can get through his two weeks, and then I will work on modifying all of our carb intake to whole grains... sigh. I will say this though, that South Beach diet really works. We did it a few years ago, and it was amazing.

My girls are lots of fun in between nap and bedtime... they are very funny and affectionate. They have been fighting a lot, though, and it's kind of amusing. If Rowan is in the bedroom, and hears Genevieve say "no" about something in the living room, she yells "yes!" from her room, regardless of what's happening in the living room, and Vivi just says "no!" again, and they go back and forth for a while, arguing about absolutely nothing, just being contrary to each other. I generally let this go, I need to pick my battles, and they are going to fight, no matter what I do. But they are really good at apologizing and making up.

Troubled Times

2009-02-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do with myself. Should I be taking action to be consistent and stern in disciplining my children? should I relax and not expect too much from my two year olds? Neither one seems like the proper course of action. Neither one gives me peace. I am praying for myself, for patience, for creativity, for wisdom, and I am praying for them.... "God, let them understand and behave! Please! Please!" I feel like knocking their heads together, and I feel like banging my head against a wall... but I don't think either one would be a good idea. If they aren't constantly getting out of bed and running down the hall, they are biting each other in their beds, or emptying the contents of their bureau onto the floor. What once was peaceful time in the afternoon is now a tense time of testing boundaries and heightening blood pressure. I was way too lucky with the first 2 years of their life, but now that they are 2, I am paying for it. The baby is improving in his behavior, and the girls are just wallowing in being contrary. Times like these I am intensely jealous of my old life, the one where there was just me and Dan, and no one else. I love these little people so much, but it isn't easy to keep it together day in and day out, when it seems that there is no way to exact the response that I am looking for. I wish I knew just how much was testing, how much willful disobedience, how much misunderstanding, how much just clingy toddlers wanting to be where Mommy is.... can't someone put it into a pie chart for me and then give me directions to fix it all? A script to follow? A formula guaranteed to get results? Come on, people... oh, It doesn't work that way? ok... back to praying...

Baby Boy

2009-01-22T09:26:00.000-08:00

Jude is seven weeks old today, and that really seems a tiny amount of time to have been aquainted with him. He is working out some of his digestive issues, and I have hope that the doctor's assessment that he might "give me a hard time" may prove false. It has been a while since I have cried in desperation in the middle of the night, and he is waking up only once to nurse. He now he weighs about 13lbs. Having a boy already seems different to me... maybe it's the singleton factor, but it's very new. Not in an easier way, just different. Jude is very intense, and watches me around the room, cries plaintively to be picked up, and makes crazy eye contact with me. He also is showing a preference for mommy that the girls never displayed. Maybe this is a boy thing, maybe just a different personality. Also, he smiles and coos so conversationally, it seems miraculous to me - I had to wait so long for that with the twins, mostly because of their prematurity, I suppose. Anyway, I love him.

snow day

2009-01-19T12:17:00.001-08:00

Genevieve was enthralled with the snowballs, even though the snow was not ideal, and they kept falling apart, she just kept asking for another one, and experimented with biting it, stomping on it, trying to bounce it, karate chopping it, and was sad to have to finally leave it on the porch. Thanks, Nya-Nya, for staying inside with Jude!

I am so glad that I got off of my butt to take the girls outside today. They loved it, and it was good for me to breathe the air. This is our back door. Not the pretty yellow one, the far away one. But I think that I might need to make a painting somehow using this image... I've been feeling the itch pretty seriously lately, and there is really not much opportunity to scratch it! Alas, three kids 2 years and younger leaves me with a lot of ideas, but not a lot of get-up-and-go.

Rowan has a really hard time making a normal face for the camera - she says "cheese" instantly (I did not teach her this!), and gives me a phony smile. This is a pretty close to normal picture... she did not realize that I was already taking the picture I guess. These girls are such darlings, when I take a breath and decide to enjoy them. The work is way beyond worth it. I wish Dan could have been out here to enjoy this with us - he is the biggest kid when it comes to snow, and in general, everything is more fun when he joins in!

sigh.

2009-01-14T12:47:00.000-08:00

So we are all sick here. nasty, drippy, coughing, sick. RSV is what the baby has, so probably we all have it, although it's not dangerous for us older-than-6-week-olds. We all seem to be rehabilitating well enough, though, including Jude. This morning I went to get the girls up, and found Genevieve, pitiful and still, face and hands covered in dried blood. What a horror show. This has happened before, so the shock is not what it once was. I was tempted to take a picture, not because it was funny, it wasn't, but just so I could force someone else (Dan) to share my morning's experience. Nosebleeds were something I dealt with as a kid, so it's familiar ground.

I had my postpartum checkup this week, and all systems are go, which is good news, and much to my surprise, my weight is what it was at my very first OB appointment. This was completely unexpected, since I am nowhere near fitting into the clothes that I was wearing at that point. It will be a good year, probably, before I can recognize myself. But these things matter not at all in comparison with the job of mothering these 3 babes. This is the toughest, scariest thing I have ever had to do. It's driven home when illness strikes - I reflect on being responsible for lives, actual human lives. Not just in rearing, discipline, self esteem, etc., but their very lives. Frightening stuff. The whole mom thing has been pretty rough lately. I love my girls, but they are stretching me in ways I could not have imagined. I guess it's just the age and the new baby, but good lord! We are praying for patience - what else is there to do? Any thoughts on spanking?

Jude Augustine Costa

2008-12-29T19:28:00.000-08:00

So the little man is born, and we are all trying to adjust to a new life. He is very cute, but seems to be having some digestive issues. This is very trying and very pitiful, and late at night we cry together. But he is a beautiful little guy, and Rowan and Genevieve ask for "baby butter" first thing every morning. That being said, they are also acting like two-year-olds, and pushing their limits a whole bunch. This also brings the queen of hormones to tears, more often than not. Otherwise, things are rolling right along, I have no idea what day it is, and if I have a shower, it's a miracle. When we get a car that fits 3 car seats, we will start having some adventures. I am so excited to not be pregnant, I feel like I am becoming a semi-normal person, with energy to walk up and down the hall (believe it or not, this is something to celebrate). I have a very tired, but very kind husband, who is calm and available when I start to melt down. All these things add up to my life. It's odd that I have 3 kids, it has all happened very quickly. But I love them, and in a couple of months, I expect I will have a better handle on things! It's good to have internet access once again...

Unfortunately

2008-10-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

We have cancelled our internet. poops. hopefully this will be shortlived, but till we get it all figured out, I will miss blogging and reading everyone else's blogs.

first ever ER visit

2008-09-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight we took our baby Rowan to the emergency room. We thought her wrist was fractured. And I did it, to make matters worse. Poor girl, she is fine, and asleep, and it was just her elbow pulled out of joint. But the poor kid! She had to have it popped back into place, and it took the physicians assistant a couple of tries, and then she went and got the doctor to come down. So after 3 hours of waiting, exams, and x-rays, it took him 10 seconds to push her little elbow back to rights. She cried like her heart was broken, but 20 seconds later she was making up for lost time and running around like a happy little fairy. I feel exhausted and awful. But relieved. And poor Genevieve, she was worried about her "sissie", and also was acting out a bit because our attention was a little unbalanced. Maybe I shouldn't have brought her along, but I didn't know how they would take the separation when things were obviously not normal. And last night was Dan's 30th birthday. And we have scheduled our c-section for December 4th. So that's the news. I need some chocolate. goodnight.

update

2008-08-20T09:10:00.000-07:00

When I am feeling especially nauseous, and frequently running to the bathroom to get rid of the thing that I ate, which, apparently was the WRONG thing to eat, my girls are very gracious and supportive. They stand behind me, pat my back, lay their heads on me, and say, "ok mama, ok mama" over and over again. They also hand me bits of toilet paper, quarter sized, to help handle the mess. Then, when I come back to the living room, they understand that I need some comfort, and obligingly sit on my head. Well, they don't both actually fit on my head, so one usually ends up on my neck/shoulder area. Either way, this is a strange sensation, probably closest to being sat on by a very good-natured octopus. This is awkward to get up from, if, by chance, the need arises to get back to the bathroom.

So, the move has been progressing slowly... yes, we moved in over a month ago, but I have not been so good about completing the project. Our bedroom is an off-limits wonderland of boxes, cardboard, artwork, and half sorted baby clothes. I should be working on it now, but when the girls are napping, I feel compelled to also nap. This bodes ill for any progress that could be made. But I cannot skip the nap! you should see me without one... oh, baby, look out! So onward to the nap. Oh, in other news, my due date has been moved up to December 11th, which is nice, as that means about 2 weeks less to carry this little man, and a little more room to have a semi-normal Christmas.

not a bashful boy

2008-08-04T16:44:00.000-07:00

Here we have the traditional thumb-sucking ultrasound, pretty self-explanatory, really, not too abstract. Now rotate, imagine you are looking up towards the kid's butt, and he's sticking his legs in the air...

Hopefully this post doesn't offend anyone, but I haven't had a chance to teach this kid modesty yet, and I think he has a healthy enjoyment of his own very newly grown anatomy. Names will be tricky, I think; Dan and I don't seem to be on quite the same page. Isn't the arrow drawn by the ultrasound tech very nice? as if we needed it. What if we didn't want to know the sex of the baby? Good thing we did. I was just happy to find out that it was only one. Very, very glad. And I surprised myself with how excited I am for a little boy. Now, hopefully , I can leave the pregnant part of my life behind me. That may sound bad, but it is just really tough for me, and not the glowing, fun time that some expectant moms experience. God bless those who love being pregnant, but that simply isn't me. So I am just barely past halfway, at 21 weeks.

I am afraid

2008-08-03T18:40:00.001-07:00

I am afraid of everything right now. I am afraid that my ultrasound tomorrow will show 6 babies (or 2), and I will turn into a complete wreck of a human being. I am halfway there already. I am afraid to be too honest, because what if people start to figure me out, and then they realize that I am completely unoriginal, boring, and not even very nice? I am afraid of the gigantic spidery thing that I have seen a couple of times in the living room. I am afraid that I will never get out of debt, and eventually sink into a hole and disappear. I am afraid that my girls will hit puberty and I will still not have learned to communicate effectively. Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about that yet... but still, I am, I do. I am afraid, and it is pitiful. On the bright side, there is ice cream in the freezer. Maybe if I eat some, I will feel brave. It's worth a shot.

the pool and other new things

2008-07-29T10:45:00.001-07:00

The girls got a baby pool (thanks Martha!), and we got a new place to live! with a porch, as you can plainly see. So we have been living it up. Incidentally, our laundry room door is open, for anyone who wants to use it. I know what it's like to go to the laundromat, or a parent's basement, or just another building to get your wash clean. So there's no baby news yet, but soon there should be.

we still manage to have some fun

2008-07-09T14:05:00.000-07:00

So really, i just wanted to try to post a video, and it was easy enough, although the quality from the digital camera is rubbish.

Soon enough, we will no longer have to live within a small space that combines a kitchen with a living room, and even a little bit of bedroom. I know I keep telling people that this will be the weekend, but I think we really might move in this weekend. This place is palatial compared with our current situation. The girls will love it, too, poor things - they get a little stir crazy up here. But they do enjoy a good dance party, even in close quarters.

am I buggin' you? I don't mean to bug ya...

2008-06-19T06:22:00.000-07:00

So I am just not in the mood to blog. sorry, but who really wants to hear me moan and groan? frankly, I am sick of me. One of my doctors finally agreed with me, that I am not normal, that this shortness of breath and extreme fatigue may actually be a problem, so I am having my thyroid function tested. good. maybe I will find something out. In other news, we are painting the new place this weekend. the sooner we can move, the easier life will become.

God, get me through the next 7 months or so.....

2008-05-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Sooo, here we are. I have been avoiding my blog, the internet in general and any other form of outward communication. I have been lying on the floor, feeling nauseous and sorry for myself. Being pregnant, for me, is like being depressed. No energy, no motivation, constant hunger, and yet no appetite. Yeah, I said pregnant. Mmm-hmm. Not planned, and yet, not unwanted.... just really unexpected.

I am sort of hesitant to tell people about it, unsure of their reactions, partially I guess because I am a bit unsure as to how I really feel about it. A baby is not intimidating to me... that part I don't mind, although I know I will be seriously tied down for a while. But I really do not like being pregnant. It makes me very selfish and miserable. And there are two little angels here who are only a year and a half, who really need a mommy, not to mention my hardworking husband who used to come home to dinner on the table, clean laundry (usually), and sometimes even a clean house. Oh, my, how quickly life can change.

sticks and stones... are awesome

2008-03-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

   Rowan and her bits of bark - bliss is written on her face
   Genevieve with her prized walnut
   Mommy made it into a picture

We had a seriously tiring weekend - totally booked, and hardly any rest. But we did manage to have some really nice family time. We attended a birthday party for another pair of twin girls, 3 year olds, which was at a gymnasium, and the babes had a blast in the ball pit, jumping on the trampoline, and just running around in a really big space. Then we came home and ran around outside for a while. This is so much easier with Dan! And the girls just love it so much. I can't wait until it's consistently warmer outside so the two stinkers can go outside every day. Our place is so tiny, they get stir crazy sometimes. Poor noodles.

on identity

2008-03-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels that once I became "mommy" I lost the rest of the things that made me Emily.

It is hard to see past all the duties and joys of being a mother to twins (or to any baby or child - I would never devalue any other mom's job, I'm just coming from a particular place here). I know that in reality I didn't lose the other things, they just got put on the back burner while I learned about this new addition to my repertoire. The only problem being that a lot of the other parts of me require some maintenance, and if I leave them on the back burner too long, they could burn, or maybe I will just have to relearn the steps (excuse the mixed metaphors).

It's just that, while cooking, cleaning, and mothering can be rewarding (especially the last one), I spent almost 30 years developing a sense of self that had nothing to do with these things. Although, in all honesty, anytime I was asked about my ambitions and plans for the future, my first response would invariably be about becoming a wife and mother. So thanks be to God, he has granted me my deepest desire. Only... I never envisioned how all-encompassing it would be. It is hard work, very hard work for an unmotivated procrastinator, to try to fit in the other parts of me. However, when I do, there is nothing more satisfying than stretching and flexing the muscles that so often get neglected, and also keeping up on the family stuff. I haven't yet learned how to keep that balance - at this point, I am squeezing the artistic stuff in with little bursts of industry here and there, but not consistently. When it becomes consistent, I start to get behind with everything else. I think that with time, and effort, and some compromise, I will learn this new dance... it's just that the steps are so complicated, and I have always been so awfully clumsy!

you haven't lived...

2008-03-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

until you have had a small child sit on your neck and comb your hair with a medicine dropper, all the while patting your face with her free hand and babbling high-pitched sweetness to you. on second thought, you probably have lived, it's just that my life has been relatively uneventful, until a certain double event a little over a year ago.