Sugar and Spice

It is so enjoyable to be a mother of girls.  Not babies, but real, full-fledged, pink-draped, glitter-loving GIRLS.  We had a lovely day today, playing with the dollhouse, dressing up, giggling, and taking pictures.  I loved it so much, we had a delightful interaction, lunch was eaten without complaint, and finally, a nap was calmly and happily taken (and is still in progress).  I want to be a patient woman, one who can be confided in, a mother who is trusted with the delicate treasures that lie in the heart of sensitive little peanuts.  Rowan and Genevieve are at a difficult age, as one might have gathered by previous posts, but they are also at a very wonderful age, where the things that they learn on a daily basis are quickly displayed, and their need for affirmation is painfully obvious.  They communicate so eloquently, with their body language as much as their words, and I find that I can miss so much of what they are telling me, if I get caught up in being a mom who just wants everything to be easy, or convenient, or ...clean...

I just really want to be present in this time of their lives.  I catch myself wishing I could fast forward a bit.  Jump to "potty training complete!" or, "Jude nurses every 4 or 5 hours", or "wow, those girls speak in very clear and complete sentences!", or presently, "they stay in bed at night, once we tuck them in".  Ah, but so much would be missed, even though some trials would be skipped.  I am trying to consider this, like other obstacles in my life, as character building.  It feels like character cracking, though, sometimes.  But I just need to keep mornings like this one in my heart and mind, like little snapshots, available to be pulled out and relived, when the not-so-sweet moments threaten to overwhelm me.

So my question right now is - when you tell your kid that a certain consequence will follow a certain disobedient act, but you realize that this particular consequence was not appropriate, maybe, do you follow through anyway, to be consistent, or do you drop it, and move on from there, considering it a lesson learned for Mommy?  I am perhaps answering my own question.  Ah, the joy of being wrong, and squirming in the knowledge!  Progress is so hard to see when you are right in the thick of it.

here and there

So I 'm not really sure why I bother writing some things down here - I sometimes think that the computer is like that friend you talk to every day, discuss daily details with, vent to, etc.  Basically, my husband, if my husband were available at odd times during the day.  Writing it here helps me remember later when he wants to know how my day was!  So the bedtime blues are up and down, some days are good, some days are awful.  I guess I am using a combination of tactics to keep the twins in bed, and progress is very slow.  I feel partially as if I should have made the transition to a toddler bed at 18 months, and partially as if they should still be in a crib, with a crib tent.  I just found out that those actually exist... not sure what I think of that...

Jude is sick again.  The girls are also, but it's just not so worrisome with 2 year olds as it is with a 2 month old.  It's just the season, I guess, but it is really frustrating, because we hardly go out, and still the sickness finds us.  This time through Dan.  Poor guy, he had it really bad.  And now he has decided to go on a diet.  I flat out refused to do it with him, no way!  I am nursing, and I find it hard enough to get enough food without restrictions.  Plus, my kids need their carbs!  And their fruit. I feel like an un-supportive wife, but he can get through his two weeks, and then I will work on modifying all of our carb intake to whole grains... sigh.  I will say this though, that South Beach diet really works.  We did it a few years ago, and it was amazing.  

My girls are lots of fun in between nap and bedtime... they are very funny and affectionate.  They have been fighting a lot, though, and it's kind of amusing.  If Rowan is in the bedroom, and hears Genevieve say "no" about something in the living room, she yells "yes!" from her room, regardless of what's happening in the living room, and Vivi just says "no!" again, and they go back and forth for a while, arguing about absolutely nothing, just being contrary to each other.  I generally let this go, I need to pick my battles, and they are going to fight, no matter what I do.  But they are really good at apologizing and making up.

Troubled Times

I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do with myself.  Should I be taking action to be consistent and stern in disciplining my children?  should I relax and not expect too much from my two year olds?  Neither one seems like the proper course of action.  Neither one gives me peace.  I am praying for myself, for patience, for creativity, for wisdom, and I am praying for them.... "God, let them understand and behave!  Please! Please!"  I feel like knocking their heads together, and I feel like banging my head against a wall... but I don't think either one would be a good idea.  If they aren't constantly getting out of bed and running down the hall, they are biting each other in their beds, or emptying the contents of their bureau onto the floor.  What once was peaceful time in the afternoon is now a tense time of testing boundaries and heightening blood pressure.  I was way too lucky with the first 2 years of their life, but now that they are 2, I am paying for it.  The baby is improving in his behavior, and the girls are just wallowing in being contrary.  Times like these I am intensely jealous of my old life, the one where there was just me and Dan, and no one else.  I love these little people so much, but it isn't easy to keep it together day in and day out, when it seems that there is no way to exact the response that I am looking for.  I wish I knew just how much was testing, how much willful disobedience, how much misunderstanding, how much just clingy toddlers wanting to be where Mommy is.... can't someone put it into a pie chart for me and then give me directions to fix it all?  A script to follow?  A formula guaranteed to get results?  Come on, people...  oh, It doesn't work that way?  ok... back to praying...  

Baby Boy

Jude is seven weeks old today, and that really seems a tiny amount of time to have been aquainted with him.  He is working out some of his digestive issues, and I have hope that the doctor's assessment that he might "give me a hard time" may prove false.  It has been a while since I have cried in desperation in the middle of the night, and he is waking up only once to nurse.  He now he weighs about 13lbs.  Having a boy already seems different to me... maybe it's the singleton factor, but it's very new.  Not in an easier way, just different.  Jude is very intense, and watches me around the room, cries plaintively to be picked up, and makes crazy eye contact with me.  He also is showing a preference for mommy that the girls never displayed.  Maybe this is a boy thing, maybe just a different personality.  Also, he smiles and coos so conversationally, it seems miraculous to me - I had to wait so long for that with the twins, mostly because of their prematurity, I suppose.  Anyway, I love him.

snow day

Genevieve was enthralled with the snowballs, even though the snow was not ideal, and they kept falling apart, she just kept asking for another one, and experimented with biting it, stomping on it, trying to bounce it, karate chopping it, and was sad to have to finally leave it on the porch.  Thanks, Nya-Nya, for staying inside with Jude!

I am so glad that I got off of my butt to take the girls outside today.  They loved it, and it was good for me to breathe the air.  This is our back door.  Not the pretty yellow one, the far away one.  But I think that I might need to make a painting somehow using this image... I've been feeling the itch pretty seriously lately, and there is really not much opportunity to scratch it!  Alas, three kids 2 years and younger leaves me with a lot of ideas, but not a lot of get-up-and-go.

Rowan has a really hard time making a normal face for the camera - she says "cheese" instantly (I did not teach her this!), and gives me a phony smile.  This is a pretty close to normal picture... she did not realize that I was already taking the picture I guess.  These girls are such darlings, when I take a breath and decide to enjoy them.  The work is way beyond worth it.  I wish Dan could have been out here to enjoy this with us - he is the biggest kid when it comes to snow, and in general, everything is more fun when he joins in!

sigh.

So we are all sick here.  nasty, drippy, coughing, sick.  RSV is what the baby has, so probably we all have it, although it's not dangerous for us older-than-6-week-olds.  We all seem to be rehabilitating well enough, though, including Jude.  This morning I went to get the girls up, and found Genevieve, pitiful and still, face and hands covered in dried blood.  What a horror show.  This has happened before, so the shock is not what it once was.  I was tempted to take a picture, not because it was funny, it wasn't, but just so I could force someone else (Dan) to share my morning's experience.  Nosebleeds were something I dealt with as a kid, so it's familiar ground.

I had my postpartum checkup this week, and all systems are go, which is good news, and much to my surprise, my weight is what it was at my very first OB appointment.  This was completely unexpected, since I am nowhere near fitting into the clothes that I was wearing at that point.  It will be a good year, probably, before I can recognize myself.  But these things matter not at all in comparison with the job of mothering these 3 babes.  This is the toughest, scariest thing I have ever had to do.  It's driven home when illness strikes - I reflect on being responsible for lives, actual human lives.  Not just in rearing, discipline, self esteem, etc., but their very lives.  Frightening stuff.   The whole mom thing has been pretty rough lately.  I love my girls, but they are stretching me in ways I could not have imagined.  I guess it's just the age and the new baby, but good lord!  We are praying for patience - what else is there to do?  Any thoughts on spanking?

Jude Augustine Costa

So the little man is born, and we are all trying to adjust to a new life.  He is very cute, but seems to be having some digestive issues.  This is very trying and very pitiful, and late at night we cry together.  But he is a beautiful little guy, and Rowan and Genevieve ask for "baby butter" first thing every morning.  That being said, they are also acting like two-year-olds, and pushing their limits a whole bunch. This also brings the queen of hormones to tears, more often than not.  Otherwise, things are rolling right along, I have no idea what day it is, and if I have a shower, it's a miracle. When we get a car that fits 3 car seats, we will start having some adventures.  I am so excited to not be pregnant, I feel like I am becoming a semi-normal person, with energy to walk up and down the hall (believe it or not, this is something to celebrate).  I have a very tired, but very kind husband, who is calm and available when I start to melt down.  All these things add up to my life.  It's odd that I have 3 kids, it has all happened very quickly.  But I love them, and in a couple of months, I expect I will have a better handle on things!  It's good to have internet access once again...