keeping on

I am actually not sure what to write, but am trying to keep up with my writing. As a discipline, as a filter through which to reexamine myself, as a way to organize my thoughts, and as a little bit of a record for my kids to read later, If they are ever interested. Which they will be, 'cause who doesn't like to read about themselves, how cute and charming and bright and funny they are? no brainer.

Lately, I am reveling in the way that they rename things, with certainty, just remembering differently, and replacing definitions in their minds. Seriously, it is just so delightful. Examples:

cranberry lifter (cherry picker)

beach eagles (sea gulls)

up side up (right side up)

basil (random weed)

I am making things for etsy, enjoying it, knitting, and not enjoying that as much. Because darn! I just made Jude a hat, and it was tricky and cute, and cable knit and it is also sized for a 6-12 month old. Oops. I had better check my gauge more carefully before embarking on projects like this. So now, do I give it to someone or list it on spec, hoping that someone will be looking for just such a hat for there soon-to-be-one-ish child? Hats seem to sell more by custom order for me, although I did sell one already made adult hat... or I could just rip it out. But I am coming to the end of my yarn, and so I think I wouldn't actually have enough for a Jude-sized hat. Sigh. Ok. listing it:

Reconnect

I have had no internet for quite a while now... actually I am not even sure how long, but it must have been a day or two after the last post. I have enjoyed the time I've saved, but have not enjoyed the disconnect. I did not miss facebook. In spite of all the "friends" I have, it never fails to make me feel lousy. But facebook is a psuedo-reality, and I think I will just avoid being there, unless I have a purpose. Anyway, it's good to have email again, and online banking. Yay for convenience and communication!

To follow up the last post, God is so good to us. The Monday after I posted, I felt like I needed to be praying in a more specific way. So, I started out with praying for us to find an affordable vehicle THAT week. Tuesday, we got a phone call that there was a free minivan available. Pretty affordable, huh? And Dan had been praying for a minivan or an SUV. The more specific the prayer, the more obvious the answer.

Amazingly, I sold three items from my Etsy store last week... amazing because I have been completely neglecting Etsy, especially without internet. It made me want to get back to craftiness, so I have been knitting hats in the heat. Wierd, I know, but I have been enjoying it. So look for new listings!

It's good to be back.

On Love (I can't stop!)

Rowan, Genevieve, Moses, Jude, mesmerized by Pluto (Mickey Mouse's dog, remember?) shorts, breaking into spontaneous applause (!). Sweet small warm relaxed bodies.

I am in the kitchen, coffee cup drained, thinking about what it means to love. Reading Francisco Goldman's Say Her Name. He said (in an interview) that he chose the fiction genre to tell the story of Aura's (his wife's) death to uncover the truth, or discover it. He attributed to her "all the good lines", because wasn't that love? Yes, isn't it? To give of yourself, unselfishly, without restraint.

I spent a morning with tears hiding behind my eyes just threatening to spill. Not upset for myself really, but because Dan, who should've been on the job by 6AM, didn't leave home until after 8. I heard his alarm (apparently he set 6 different ones) through my sleep fog in the living room, but didn't know what time it was or what time he needed to be up. I shrink from the thought that he might be badly thought of, when it's not laziness, but exhaustion that deafens his ears to the systematic alarm tone. Perhaps alarm clock manufacturers should instill a more needy urgency to their wake-up tones. Or maybe we should invest in an old-fashioned clock with reverberating metal bells. My relief is great to find that his client was gracious to him.

Shem (my brother-in-law) is outside, doing double and triple eliminations to determine what is going on with cylinder #5. That's love, too, he would do this for anyone. It's his pastor's heart. And also a love of problem solving, I think. But he is always ready to give of his time. Unfortunately the old Olds is dead. But I know that we will find another car, God always provides. And that is simply more love than I know what to do with.

miscellaneous Loves

There are so many things to love, and so many people to love. Sometimes I miss out on the things and people because I allow myself to be limited by the fact that I have 3 small children who require a lot of attention. Now I realize that it is realistic to accept some limits, as I am not a super hero with super speed or strength or the ability to stretch like a kneaded eraser. And these kids do actually need me to invest the majority of my time with them. However, I need to open myself up and take the opportunities presented to me, and maybe seek them out more than I do.

This week I have enjoyed a few things and people.

First. Andrew.

Our next door neighbor is 5, almost 6 and seriously adorable. He likes to drop in on us at random times, riding his bike (with training wheels that he doesn't actually need, but he likes to relax) up the drive to see us. He tells his parents that he's just gonna take his bike out, but they know where to look for him... he has a shock of red hair that he sweats through every few minutes, then it dries, then it sweats through again 1o minutes later. His translucent skin makes my Irish babes look positively tanned. He's like a tornado with a soft spoken lisp, and he has a ready-made fan club here in my two little girls who adore him. He is sweet and just completely cracks me up.

Second. Christie.

Christie is from China, and has a beautiful chinese name, but has adopted the name Christie as a reasonable American facsimile... do other cultures encourage this easy-to-pronounce-name-changing business, or is it just us? Anyway, she is 18 and an intern at the frame shop. No, we've never had an intern before, but she asked, and we couldn't be happier to have her. She is so delightful. She asks intelligent questions, is very open and learns really quickly. I'm not generally super talkative with new people, but I just found it so fun to talk to her about her life and family and experiences over the last 2 years in the US. I hope I get to see her next week, it was refreshing to have some new blood in the shop.

Third. Eyes.

There are some (2 pair) blue green eyes edged with a bit of grey and surrounded with thick black lashes. When they look up at me in a certain way, I am pretty much melted. So melted in fact, that liquid proof of it can slide down my cheeks for no apparent reason. The eyes on these girls are like miracles to me, and they are so expressive. There is another pair of eyes, longer of lash, darker of hue. At first glance they look brown, but if you look closely, there is only a small bit of brown around the pupil, and the rest is a mysterious mix of grey, green, and umber that I guess would be a dark hazel. These eyes are stormy and changeable, and staring at them generally results in the cheeks of a certain boy being munched on to break the spell of those eyes.

Fourth. Headband.

I made a tiny simple headband that I am in love with. I twisted a bit of sterling wire into a basic bow shape and wrapped the center of the bow with the wire ends to a thin stainless steel band. It is so very sweet, I don't want to ever take it off. If my computer were not so overloaded with photos and music, I could maybe show it to you, but alas, I can't bring myself to delete anything until they are all backed up twice. So far they are all on my extra hard drive, but I need to back up the backup. Maybe I'm paranoid, but oh well! my disc is full.

Fifth. Dan.

My husband is in the midst of a stressful situation. When is he not, really? But lately the stresses have been coming by the wagonload, and he is amazing me. He has all this peace and grace and resourcefulness that just lifts me to a better place. I don't know how he handles all that he handles.

the color green, a huge mistake, and Wilson Phillips

This morning it rains and rains. It's gloomy in here, but outside the colors take on a lush saturation. The green grass is of the most velvety emerald. This makes me smile, partially because it reminds me of the conversation I had with Genevieve on the drive to work yesterday.

"Mommy, are there lots of colors of green?"

"Yes", I say emphatically, "so many colors of green!"

She continues, "grayish green, blackish green, yellowish green, dark green, bright green..."

And my heart if filled to pretty much bursting; the painter in me is reveling. As much as the know-it-all picture framer in me is cringing right now, as I remember what happened at the start of my workday.

I stand staring blankly. The frame doesn't fit the canvas. At all. I know immediately what I did wrong, a rookie mistake. My first impulse is to walk away. Tell no one. Let them deal with this later. I have no illusions that I will escape the blame, I just don't want to face it right now. My cheeks are hot. But I fight down the avoidance urge and force out the words.

"Tim, it doesn't fit."

He just looks at me, crestfallen. This was a big frame, over 3 feet by 4 feet. Yeah, I know. I am here to help. To save you time, not create more work for you or waste your money. I know, I know. I'm sorry, I'm an idiot. Shall I call the moulding company and order more? At least I can try to take steps to get us back on track. I am so embarrassed. So frustrated that my picture-frame-problem-solving-skills cannot fix this, but I simply can't magic up more length out of nowhere. Sigh.

I continued in my funk until Wilson Phillips came on the DMX and I just couldn't help myself singing along... I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day and you break free, break from the pain... hahaha, the very idea of Wilson Phillips cheering me up with their hair blowing in the wind and their dresses billowing sunnily on a hillside just cracked me up.

Of course I made another similar frame later in the day, and made it perfectly, and in the course of measuring for that one, I realized that the measurement on the invoice for the evil mistake frame was incorrect, and wouldn't have been right even if I had cut and joined it perfectly. So I changed the invoice and at least saved the wasting of the moulding for a second time. Still, I can't believe that I did that. I guess I had better forgive myself and move on. It's all vanity anyway.

Idyll

These last few days have been really lovely. Easter weekend was a blur of egg hunts and family functions, and cute outfits, which were fun, but it's good to be home and drinking in the weather with my small charges.

Each of them has taken a turn falling on concrete, and my girls have been dramatically hobbling around with a walking stick, trying not to bend their knees. We have lain in the feather-soft clover, reading books and watching clouds. We have ignored the inside of the house and gotten a bit sunburnt. We have made large quantities of mud soup, which the girls have labeled "bunny oatmeal".

I am a happy girl right now. My three stinkers are sleeping, and in their sleep these kids are a delight. I mean, what's cuter than a snoring 4 year old? or one that asks, almost asleep, "Mommy, will you wrap me as a cheese stick and tuck me in?" How about a 2 year old boy who wants to sleep with his "baby truck"? But truly, they are a delight when awake as well. Genevieve told both Dan and I that we looked "fabulous" on Easter morning. Jude demands regularly, "hug me! kiss me too!" and how am I to refuse? I mean, really, have you seen him?

Yes, I suppose that I am on an upswing. And yes, it does seem that I swing. A lot. A whole lot. But whatever slight leanings I may have toward the bi-polar, I feel that the adjustments I am making to even out are not as extreme as they used to be. Probably it has a lot to do with the fact that after 4 years, I am getting better at parenting. I am taking so seriously the fact that these characters are in my hands, mine and Dan's and God's. And I am not forgetting about the grace that is has been so sweetly extended to me.

flow

I would just like to say that I have recently entered back into a wee bit of depression, and that there has been no creating of any kind, nor desire to create, in a bit.

Joyfully, however, that is no longer the case. I made up my mind to be obedient in a small matter, not obedient to my husband or my boss, or my Mommy, but obedient to the prompting that I have felt for some time now to write. To finish my story, "the pink cloud".

Just in making that descision, I have felt a flow of creativity returning to my hands, and ideas to my mind. The story is done, at least a draft of it, and I made a new headband... I think I will sit down now and make another one. Maybe two.

Ha-hah! (like Despereaux stabbing a hunk of cheese)

Unfortunately, my media drive on the macbook seems to be jammed up somehow, so I can't make use of my photos.... oh well, I haven't taken any yet, so I guess we shall see when I get to list on etsy. No matter. off to make stuff. over and out.