I've got pastel on my face.

Well. I'm not even going to get into it.  I got derailed in October, and just never got back on track.  Ah, we'll, I'm actually pretty happy about the past year's worth of posts.  I really got back to basics, knocked out a ton of work, and filled my soul.  And yet, I forgot how happy I am when I smear colors around on a surface.  How do I forget?  Whatever.  Now I've remembered.  I needed a subject, because my brain is tired, so I used my niece, Anna.  She's easy on the eyes.  I was thinking about her while scratching away, and guys, she's so great.    She was born my senior year of high school, and she is now a senior in high school.  What.  WHAT.  Yup.  I'm old.  I was thinking about my life 18 years ago.  Often, I don't feel so much older than that, I feel like I still have plans for when I grow up... 

...life is playing a joke on me, and how is it that I have been married for almost 14 years, and where did these kids come from?  But at the same time, I know that there is a vast difference between that girl and this one.  And this one is happy with the direction we are headed. Obviously, I'm making up for lost time, jumbling a few months worth of rumination into a post.  I'm sorry for that, truly.  But life is good, grey hairs and all, and Anna.  back to my subject.  This girl is a bundle of wonderful.  Talent, sweetness, beauty, and love.    She's got her head on straighter than I ever did at that age.  

30 min. Pastel on bristol.

books and a tree

 I don't read healthfully. I devour books, live and breathe them, and grieve their loss when I am finished.  It is hard for me to function in real life when I care about the well-being of a character.  It is ridiculous.  I love to read, but my addictive personality can't seem to pay attention to both book-world and reality. 

I really hate the feeling of knowing that I need to do something, like make dinner, or put the kids in the bath, but there are two more pages in the chapter.... and just five more minutes won't hurt, right?  

I begin to begrudge my real life the attention it needs... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I've seen in a book, when, shouldn't it be the other way around?"

So I am trying to set myself realistic goals, and reward myself with a chapter. Clean until lunch time, then sit down for some book time.  It's working pretty well this week. We're always seeking balance, aren't we? Or not seeking it, and suffering the consequences. I don't think the achievement of balance is even possible, but in seeking it, and being aware, we get healthier. And it gets easier. A little.

Little leaf linden.  Pastel on Bristol.

vocabulary of marks

I have always deeply admired painters who could reference real life and yet be unconstrained by reality. To draw or paint what clearly could be recognized, and yet freely change the color, the shape, the volume, the texture, and use it as a simple tool of composition. A means to an end.  The end being something that in no way looks "real" or photographic, but takes on a new life, and in its originality, is life-giving in its own way.  I saw it in some of my friends, particularly one guy who was a photography student, but took a painting class, and made these stunning still lives that looked like Matisse. They were just perfect. Completely 2-dimensional, about paint and surface and exquisitely composed. 

Pierre Bonnard comes to mind, and Wolf Kahn, and Mark Rothko, if you can think of the simplicity of field and sky and the horizon line created by their kiss. Some have more depth and literal shapes than others.  But I never felt free or able to paint in that way. I always felt the constraint of reality on my shoulders. I put myself behind a fence, somehow, and couldn't break it. I couldn't find a way to make marks that spoke of the surface or the medium or the color more than the subject matter. Anyway, I'm working on that, to state it simply. And the learning curve is steep, but I'm going to enjoy it.  Pastel on bristol.

the slope.

There's a hill I pass on the way to work. I used to pass it every day, and always, always wanted to paint it. Now I pass it once a week at most. The trees are bigger, quite a bit bigger, than they used to be. It takes trees a long time to grow, I've noticed. Yes. I am so sharp.

My point being, that time is passing, and I am mostly unaware of how much of it is really receding quickly. So very quickly. This isn't really one of those posts about how fast the years fly, and pay attention, it's precious. It is. But now and then it takes me by surprise how, when I lump certain life events into "that just happened recently", I have to suddenly recategorize them into "that happened years ago"!

I'm gonna go ahead and make a little picture of my beloved slope. Better late than never!

Pastel on board:

Oh honey honey

I may not have much worth while to say tonight. The kids are well, the refrigerator is clean and emptied of a lot of creepy, unrecognizable food. The laundry is somewhat caught up. Of course, I'm working tomorrow, so that will not be the case for much longer. C'est la vie.

A drop of honey. Apparently my honey is unadulterated and is truly honey. Pastel on board.

Fauve landscape and my own wild ones

There is something about having all three kids miserably sick that brings a measure of peace. I mean, let's face it, they're all laid out in the living room watching Happy Feet. That's not what I meant, though. I am not waiting for any more kids to catch the fever, I'm not dividing myself between comforting and treating the sick and making sure the well don't get neglected.

I suppose this is a virus. I've got a call in to the doctor, and when I talk to her, I will feel even better. Either I'll bring them in, or I won't. But it will be decided. And I am mentally prepared for getting no sleep. Just accepting the situation does wonders for my frustration level.

My little Rowan told me at bedtime, "I was so dizzy today, I was like ER dizzy..." What? What do you mean, honey? "I was so dizzy, I should have gone to the emergency room!"

Heavens, this girl knows drama!

This was a lot more fun than the last one.

corny blue dusk

Jude's response to me, asking if he'd like some water, when he popped up from his bed looking confused, was:

"NEVER!"

I'll have to cut him some slack, he has a fever...

This parenting stuff sure has its moments.

I don't generally go in for picturesque sunsets. They are stunning to observe, but pretty cheesy in most artist renditions. However, the dusk sky was really lovely over the weekend, so I thought I'd take a stab at it. Oh yeah, that's super cheesy. Oh well, what's done is done. It's actually horizontal; blogger is a little annoying about that, so you only get half of the image, unless you click on it.

Lessons

Well, things are not much more certain than the last post, in terms of what we are going to do for a work vehicle for D. But what is certain is that we have good financing and a low rate, which is a relief, since the "financing" which our first guy wanted to hook us up with was a loan shark who wanted us to sign our lives away. We aren't fools, and we didn't go for it. But it shows us now, more than ever, that to act in haste would definitely be to repent in leisure. We looked at options with real banks, and found that we are in decent shape. We wish we were in a position to buy a car outright, but we aren't, and unfortunately we need to act soon, and don't have the luxury of saving up. So there it is.

The weekend was long and hard, and this week has started us out with a heavy mental load. But tomorrow has enough worries of it's own. I need to get the girls to an early AM dentist appointment, get them to school, drop Jude off with my sister-in-law, get back to kindergarten to help with "kidwriting", etc., etc.; see what I mean about tomorrow? And we know we are taking steps. What more can really be expected? Today is ending with peace, and I know that we will find the right truck or van, not just "a" truck or van. For this evening though, I found an apple. And proceeded to overwork it in pastel.