Kids:
Jude is hilarious, for instance, yesterday he took of his pj's put on the girl's butterfly wings, and stated,
I Daddy Di-doo-bew (Tinkerbell).
He also has been telling me that he's a man, and playing practical jokes on me. He's a total blast, but he is also defying me, and being very testy. Trying to find the best way to address this is so challenging!
The girls each have their own brand of both wonderful and horrible. Rowan is the sweetest little affectionate girl, but is a bit scatter-brained, and sometimes I fear that she is pretending to not hear me, and is wantonly ignoring me. Very frustrating. Genevieve is so dear and quirky in her particular tastes, but is trying to run the show and control everything. I am trying to be patient with these two, but they want to test me at every turn. Good thing they are so sweet and funny to balance things out!
Me:
I am seeing lately that some of my little peculiarities are maybe more than quirks. Maybe I have a bit of social anxiety. Sometimes being in a crowd of people can make me so uncomfortable I think I might crawl out of my skin. Not all the time, but in particular groups. Specifically a lot of other young married couples, with or without kids. Not in small groups, just large ones. Weird. And on several occasions through the years, I have had people tell me that they thought I did not like them. I actually attribute that to the fact that I can be very uncomfortable in groups of people that number, oh, maybe 8 or more... nutball, I know! But I often have a very strong feeling that people don't like me, which is funny, since I apparently am giving off that vibe, too.
Oh, people, I am sorry if I ever gave you that impression! And I am sorry that I am so unbelievably sensitive and read into the slightest little thing... Sigh. I feel so isolated so easily, and then swing the other way on a high, if I get to see a couple of friends over the course of a week. I am truly uncertain of what my next steps should be in attempting to normalize. I really can't just bury myself in housework, although my more than usually clean house has me feeling quite proud of myself!
So anyway, I'm gonna pray, and I'm gonna try to extend the grace to my children that Christ so graciously extends to me on a daily basis. I'm gonna keep making things, because my silly phobias even extend to etsy, and I get nervous to put my little crafty bits up for scrutiny. And I'm gonna keep writing here, because it helps, even if I feel a little vulnerable and silly.
8 comments:
Oh, Emily. I swear we were separated at birth! I feel your pain.
I can feel very uncomfortable in a crowd, too, Emily...moreso over the past year and a half, though, so I am not sure if it's a permanent thing or just a season...and I am glad you are continuing to write and make things. I think those sound very important--for both people who get to appreciate them and for you.
seriously Emily (and apparently Jo) I am so with you. I realized recently that at church I give off the don't talk to me I'm a total grump vibe because of a combo insecurity with large groups and chasing 4 littles. Ha, also I am just painfully shy in some situations, its so bizarre. your kids sound awesome! I enjoy your posts so very much and my hair band :) it makes me think of you every time i wear it!
Bridget - I love that you have that one, the brown /grey combo, and just the simplicity makes it one of my all time faves! And yes, I can't tell you how many times I have been trying to have a conversation with a person and been totally distracted by kids who can't stand to see me absorbed by something other than them!
and thanks Jessica and Jo - it's easy to imagine that I am the only one who feels so off at times, and good to hear that I'm not!
We should buddy up tonight at small group... I always feel those ways in larger groups too. And I go through phases of constantly wondering if people like me. And if someone genuinely seems to want to be my friend it can boggle my mind. I just think I'm such an odd ball!
You, Jess? I thought you were the social one! But rest assured, people love you, I have it first hand :)
I so feel this way at times. I hate to go to places where I know few people for a social thing. That's why I usually end up in the kitchen helping clean up, most of the time it is a total cover up for my insecurity. I was really stressed about that when I went to Bolivia. There were several times when I just went back to my room so I could be by myself because I felt that "jump out of my skin" feeling.
this post kinda struck a chord with people, huh? It's funny, because I thought it might make people uncomfortable... this blogging business is quite therapeutic!
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