laboring under a misapprehension

We've all done it... just took an idea and ran with it, when perhaps the facts weren't all there...

Like the time Dan didn't speak to me for a week while we were dating. He came in to see me at work (Brew HaHa!), and one of my co-workers and I, along with one of our coffee shop regulars, Toby, had been discussing his (Toby's) brother's recent engagement. Now Toby had the super cool idea that when he got engaged, he would buy his girlfriend a really great stereo system in lieu of a ring, cause wouldn't that be a much more practical way to spend a few thousand bucks? Well, practical or not, I said that I would prefer a ring, thank you, when the time came.

Innocent enough, right?

Well, poor Dan came in right at this juncture, and my co-worker casually informed him that I would rather have a ring than a stereo. A very strange look came over his face, all red and weird, and he left pretty abruptly. Needless to say, I was a bit confused. When he finally gave me a chance to ask him what the problem was, he reminded me that he had just gotten me a cd player for my car for Christmas... oooooohhhh. Right. I got it. Once we got our facts lined up, we realized that there was nothing to be upset about, and in case you were wondering, I did get a ring when the time came.

More recently, there have been other misunderstandings in our house...

I was in the bathroom, checking out my new haircut in my homey, truth-telling mirror, and man, oh man, did the bathroom stink! So I sprayed some air freshener. Now, febreeze air freshener is generally pretty strong (that's why I buy it). Well, this particular burst of smell-good for the air did nothing for my little patch of stink. Ok, so maybe I'm fighting compound poo. Another very substantial dose ought to do it... no, unbelievably, I may as well have sprayed poo scent. Then I happened to glance down and there, on the sink, is a diaper. Oh. Sweet Jude. Throw that precious little bundle away, and voila! No more nasty air.

Genevieve and Rowan were fresh out of the bath, under towels and two blankets, because our house is chilly. It was lotion time, and they wanted nothing to do with it. I can't really blame them, it was cold. So I tried to explain that our house is very dry, that eczema runs in the family... Genevieve suggested that I put lotion on the walls, then it wouldn't be dry in here. Smartypants. And a few days ago, after being told by me that she was not allowed to have a snack so close to dinner, she thought for a minute and told me, "Jesus told me I can". Uh-huh, Jesus trumps Mommy, right? Lands sakes!

Rowan, on the other hand, is the dreamer. She somehow got stuck on the idea that Easter is a person, a girl, for whom she is going to wear a dress, and then Easter will tell her that she is "the prettiest girl", and then Rowan in turn will tell me that I am the prettiest girl. I guess that I am then obligated to pass on the compliment. Interesting. I did try to correct her thinking, just for the record. I don't think she really cared. She loves drama. Just today, as I was trying to get out the door to go to the salon, she told me sadly, " Mommy, if you go, you will leave us all alone". Yeah. All alone with her sister, brother, Aunt Christine, and her cousin Moses. Poor baby!

good - not a poem, but center alignment sure makes it look like one

It is good to feel warm sun

good to see the one I love

good to hold small bodies close

it's good to eat donuts

good to smile into trusting eyes

good to ignore the chores and play

it is good to know the truth

and to jump with all your might

it is good to be present

and to get presents, too!

These were a few good moments from the last week or so:

Taking a walk

sisterly fun

Genevieve told me that she wants to sleep in the tree

Rowan giggles

my nephew Moses supervises Jude's piano lesson

poor little bubbers

So lately my Jude has been a bit of a roller coaster. Beastie brute one minute, and the sweetest honey-pie the next. Never saw such a moody little peanut. He's working through some things, I guess. But tonight he lost his pacifier. Now, I've been meaning to get rid of that thing. The girls got theirs taken away at 12 month, so he is 3 months overdue, and I have just been avoiding the issue. As I have mentioned, he can have his cantankerous moments, and he has been sick on and off... honestly, I just don't want another battle on my hands. But he lost it. So I call that providential, and put the little fella to bed sans binky.

It took him about 30 minutes to get to sleep. I don't know how I ever got through letting the girls cry through their nighttime wake up period, 'cause it was a longish half-hour. But at any rate, I felt good about it, and so when he started up again, and more fiercely than before, I gritted my teeth and finished the blog post I was reading. When I went in to settle him down, he was on his knees, facing the wall, just screaming, and he didn't turn around when I came in. Then I tried to pick him up, and realized that the poor child's arm was stuck in the crib rails. Jerk Mom that I am! Fortunately, it wasn't wedged, it just needed a little room to straighten out, so as soon as I pulled the crib out from the wall, he pulled it out himself and stopped crying. So the pain couldn't have been too awful, but the poor dude!

I picked him up and cradled him as he settled, but it broke my heart to hear how his breath caught in his throat with each inhale, that sad sad mark of having cried too hard for too long. I distinctly remember that feeling from my childhood, how I wanted so badly to just stop crying and move on, but my physical body was so disturbed that I had to wait through that cooldown phase, when even my breathing bore the evidence of recent trauma. His deep breaths were the pitiful multiple catching ones. His puffy little face took me back to that nearly 10 pound newborn that I brought home from the hospital over a year ago. I could see him so clearly in this big guy's vulnerability.

I kissed his little twitchy face, his marshmallow cheeks, and his perfect full lips, and as he drifted back to sleep, his brow still slightly furrowed, I ached for his baby sensibilities, as he had had a bad night all around. But as I laid him in his crib and he made his little adjustments of comfort and habit, he reached down and felt around for his belly button, stuck his index finger in it, and looked completely peaceful. I guess he's already found his new pacifier.

sometimes you unravel...

Seems like the minute you relax and say,

ok, I think I've got this... Thank you, God, for getting me to this point!

that's the minute that you start to unravel again.

I let my guard down, and gave glory to God. That's a good thing, don't get me wrong. A really good thing. It's just that those moments are the ones that really serve to piss off the darker forces at work, the ones who HATE when you feel good, and then give God the credit. Is 'piss off' a swear word? Anyway, life is just a lot of up and down, I guess. Unfortunately, I am a person who likes the easy times to stick around, I like a manual to be written out for me to handle certain situations with my children, times in which I am at a loss for words to explain the reason behind something, or when I might be speechless with anger or frustration. These times are frequent enough with 3 toddlers.

I feel, often enough, that I don't deserve these 3 cute little people, that I am going to scar them. I want them to retain this beautiful blush of innocence as long as possible, and I don't want to be a part of ruining that. I am human, of course, and they realize this, maybe. Just maybe, they understand that I make mistakes, too, but that I love them so much also. They certainly do forgive me. They gaze at me in adoration still, they go around the house singing, they hug me and kiss me, and tell me they love me, spontaneously, and sweetly.

I enjoy them. They love olives. They turn the lights on throughout the house with long handled serving spoons. They snuggle each other, and giggle under forts. They dance, and their eyes light up when they hear certain songs. They also put their feet in the toilet and track their pee around the house. They hurt each other, and watch how their teasing and grabbing can elicit a reaction. They are human, too. I am trying to be patient with them, as they repeatedly forgive my over-reacting.