now it's real.

Oh crud, I've been avoiding you. Honestly, I have.   I think that it's because I have a job to do and I am freezing up a bit.  So I've been busying myself with autumny things like knitting slouchy hats for my offspring...

 

And cutting out felt bits to hang on the porch.

The kids are starting school on Tuesday, so it's officially fall in my book. Bring on the pumpkins!

But I also promise to get back to drawing. Not just doodles, but the illustrations that I need to be doing. There. I've said it. Now it's real.

deluge

I have allowed my time to be sucked up by a book again, I'm afraid. And what's worse, it's the first of a series. But it was pretty terrible, and I'm not going to continue.  Ugh. I finished "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, and then marched right into he first of the Mortal Instruments. Honestly, what was I expecting?  I would like to go to the library, but my house needs a good cleaning. Apparently I cannot handle the completion of housework and the temptation of a book under the same roof! 

But these stormy, flash-floody days have me a bit inspired to draw. So that's good. Deluge; oil pastel and pencil.

simple

Ok, yes, August has been the worst blogging month yet.  I have not even remotely attempted to draw every day.  Not even remotely.  I have probably thought about it every day, but that is nothing new. It's the practice, the discipline that is supposed to be happening.  In my defense, I have actually been knitting, and crafting in various ways.  But still, not every day. I'm still trying to work out how to make it happen. 

I think, for me, the summer was tougher(on the drawing end, not in a more general sense), because we have more family time, and less structure. And I have had my Dan around in the evenings, which is special and important, and its about to end. The school year is beginning, and with it, his directorial duties. Sigh.  But it's a blessing for us to be here. Unsigh.  

All these mixed emotions are tumbling about in my head, making my brain feel like a dryer full of shoes. One thought bumps another, roughly, loudly, and I can't focus on any one thought for very long. Transition has me a bit skittish, and though transition has not yet arrived, it's shadow is edging in on my consciousness.  A strange greenish light, an impending storm. 

Kids going to school, me trying to illustrate a book, feeling like a fool for trying, knowing that I must, that it's obedience.  Dan working hard, doing so well, as we try to figure out how to be responsible, how to not just be mindless consumers. Really truly attempting to make moral decisions with our money, wanting to live rightly. To not be stingy with all that we have. Time is precious, but we have to give it away.

Simple. Right?

Peace

So here is my drawing for the day, for a friend.  I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.  

Dan and I just had a couple of days away together for our thirteenth anniversary.  This was such a blessing, as I honestly cannot remember when we last had that much uninterrupted time together.  We had a great time, but man, that much eating out can really make you feel gross!  But we were spoiled by a lack of schedule, and were indulgently in charge of no one but ourselves.  

Marriage is hard.  It's a constant battle to put myself second, and my husband and marriage first.  It doesn't come naturally, but nothing could be more fulfilling.  Because when we are both doing that for each other, we find our needs met in a way that we could never have anticipated.  It's hard as a mom, also, to put my marriage ahead of my kids on the priority list.  Some of you may not agree, but I truly think it's important.  It is my natural instinct as a mother to care for my little ones, and let my husband fend for himself.  Because they are small, and they need me.  But Dan needs me, too.  He needs to know that he is on my mind and in my heart.  He needs to know that he is being cared for, as he works hard, at two full time jobs, that I notice, that I want to help out, with little actions, and with words, with gestures of affection, and taking care of small tasks that he's asked me not to forget.  With purposeful connection, even when I'm tired from a frustrating day.  He needs to know that I love him, that he's my best friend, and that I'm IN love with him, that just because we have children, we are not parents only, but lovers.  And I need to know that as well.