the grace I needed.

While wrestling mentally with how best to respond to my kids behavior, a freeing thought occurred to me. 

It doesn't matter. 

Not in the way that I often feel it matters. I'm never going to be a perfect mom with the answer to everything. But as long as I respond in truth and love, I can't miss the mark too badly. Whatever the consequence(within reason), whatever the issue, if I respond with love as the foundation, no matter what, I'm doing ok. 

A loving warning, a loving reprimand, a loving chance for them to work it out for a few more minutes, or a loving, "sorry, beans, but this is not acceptable and this is the consequence". There might be varying degrees of success, but the love is paramount. So, deep breath, they're just kids, but mom up. They need loving boundaries.  It's not loving to ignore behavioral problems, nor is it loving to flip out and have a Mommy tantrum.  Between these extremes, there is a lot of room. Room for trial and error, room for communication, room for trying new methods, room for growing, all of us together.  Maybe it's not earth-shattering, but it was the grace I needed.

Also, in cleaning out some long-neglected nooks and corners, I found this. An old self portrait in oils. It was oddly reminiscent of the last post, so I threw it up for comparison.

I've got pastel on my face.

Well. I'm not even going to get into it.  I got derailed in October, and just never got back on track.  Ah, we'll, I'm actually pretty happy about the past year's worth of posts.  I really got back to basics, knocked out a ton of work, and filled my soul.  And yet, I forgot how happy I am when I smear colors around on a surface.  How do I forget?  Whatever.  Now I've remembered.  I needed a subject, because my brain is tired, so I used my niece, Anna.  She's easy on the eyes.  I was thinking about her while scratching away, and guys, she's so great.    She was born my senior year of high school, and she is now a senior in high school.  What.  WHAT.  Yup.  I'm old.  I was thinking about my life 18 years ago.  Often, I don't feel so much older than that, I feel like I still have plans for when I grow up... 

...life is playing a joke on me, and how is it that I have been married for almost 14 years, and where did these kids come from?  But at the same time, I know that there is a vast difference between that girl and this one.  And this one is happy with the direction we are headed. Obviously, I'm making up for lost time, jumbling a few months worth of rumination into a post.  I'm sorry for that, truly.  But life is good, grey hairs and all, and Anna.  back to my subject.  This girl is a bundle of wonderful.  Talent, sweetness, beauty, and love.    She's got her head on straighter than I ever did at that age.  

30 min. Pastel on bristol.