My Dear One

senorita slacker, here, is trying to post something that has been stewing for weeks... anyway, I will try to get some of it out now. Dan recently had a birthday, and I just really wanted to mention in a thousand words or less how wonderful he is to me. Seriously, he works two full time jobs to keep our bills payed, our health insurance great, our living space secure, food in our bellies, and Mommy at home with the three midgets, because in these early years we feel that it's important. He works his fingers to the bone at two jobs which he does not particularly love, and he does it for us. This kind of love is overwhelming and humbling.

Beyond all of this, he is hilarious, and I am so happy that we still keep each other laughing, that we still can tease each other that 'I am the funny one', as if there is only room for one humorous person in the relationship, and that as time marches on, it just adds more layers of meaning and enjoyment to our inside jokes. He makes our kids laugh, and they get his sense of humor, like when he calls them the wrong name on purpose, and they respond by calling him 'Mommy'. I hope he imparts to them his sense of confidence as they grow older, because it is just so pleasant to be around someone who is at ease in their own skin, who makes no apologies for being himself. In short, I am lucky to have married the man I was meant for, and although it has taken me about 3 weeks just to finish this post in half-minute increments, I will just go ahead and say it... Happy Birthday my Dear One! I love you.

the knitting bug

INSPIRATION:

TRANSLATION:

They can't be identical, and here is my proof

Rowan's post-nap coif
Genevieve's practically perfect hair - how she wakes up like this is beyond me.

They both had ponytails, I took out the rubber bands, and tucked them in. The results are quite varied, I would say. And genetically dissimilar.

As I was helping Rowan assemble 8 layers of dress up clothes, she graciously kissed me on the cheek with a sweet smile and told me I was "just like God-Mudder". Glad to help all your dreams come true, honey bun. Bippity boppity boo.

an upswing, I think

Okay, so fall has really been something so far. I love the fall, but I have just been exhausted, not getting enough sleep, and the only time I have for blogging is when Jude is asleep, and he sleeps in the room with the computer (our bedroom). I don't generally want to risk waking him, but today, for some reason, I am reasonably sure that his deep sleep will remain deep. This boy is a source of much joy and hilarity for all of us. He is energetic, playful, funny, stinking cute, and very affectionate. But he is a normal baby, and his newest normal developmental stage is the discovery of gravity. he drops things constantly, and then expects them to be handed right back. He whines when the object is not returned to him. Little Booger.

I know that my girls were exceptionally easy babies. I mean unbelievably, practically perfect, Mary Poppins babies. So much so that I wondered if maybe they wouldn't be particularly smart - just happy, content, kind little people. I was fine with that possibility. I know now that I just had a very blessed babyhood with them. They never even drooled! I am serious! Of course, now, I am realizing how very smart and clever they really are, it just didn't kick into high gear until 2 years of age. I am fine with that, also, but man - what a difference between their babyhood and their precocious toddler-hood, plus a wild baby boy!

They are amazing me more every day, with their long sentences and their different senses of humor. I really enjoy their mispronunciations, also... meatlove (meatloaf), meep balls (meatballs), oapmeal (oatmeal), I don't know why, but the best ones seem to be food related. Oh, and stum (thumb) is another favorite of mine. I like these late afternoon photos... they just have a warm glow that makes me happy.
I got an hour long nap today, and I feel optimistic about things. Potty training is a very slow process, but it is mostly due to the fact that I am not very proactive about it.. I think the girls would have mastered it long ago if I would have just stepped up my game a bit... but slow is okay with us; I just really have to watch that I don't feel bad about it when people ask me why they are not trained yet. After all, it has been my own choice to take it easy, and it isn't anything to feel either guilty or competitive about. Bedtime is getting better, thanks in part to a renewal of patience and consistency on Dan's and my side of things, and some good advice from a fellow mother of twins (thank you, Clare!).

The girls were much more concerned that I take pictures of their "fwudders" (which is their fantastic was of saying flowers ), than of them. I tried to do both. And yes, I know that they are grasses, not flowers, but the girls will not be convinced of this.

As far as my general well-being goes, I am on an upswing, I think. But realistically, there is a lot of up and down in life and parenting, and I am learning , slowly, how to take these peaks and valleys in stride. Sort of. Sometimes.

Just for the sake of posting something!

I have had a really hard time finding the time to post. and when I do have a bit of time, my thoughts are still scattered all over the map.

Jude has been sick, and the once innocent lower back / top of the diaper area is now eyed with suspicion by me at all times, because I have seen hideous flash floods, bubbling up like melted peanut butter from the pit of hell. I have been paralyzed with fear and uncertainty... do I pick him up and risk squishing it out more? do I leave him alone on the floor to possibly roll over and wreak havoc on the carpet while I fetch diaper, wipes, and plastic bags? Fortunately, he is better now, but the fear remains...

The girls have been slowly working with me on potty training. I really need to just buckle down - it isn't the twins who are dragging their feet, it's mommy. I just balk at adding anything new to the routine, it overwhelms me, and I just can't move forward. I don't know why that is, but it's not a character trait of which I am proud. Maybe I'll just slap some panties (yes, panties!) on them and they will learn the uncomfortable way. All talk, all talk and no action!

Summer is winding down and september has brought with it cool breezes and slightly lower temperatures. For this I am profoundly grateful, except that fall makes me want to spend money! Sweaters, boots, corduroys, big leather bags.. I dreamt about fashion last night, literally, and awoke feeling the craving to shop. Thank goodness for the 3 little ones that keep me out of the mall and anchored to reality!

Jude is becoming more and more mobile, and is cruising around, walking while holding on to the furniture. He just turned 9 months, and is a big fat joy to behold. And hold. He is delightfully cuddly. Rowan and Genevieve are bursting with run on sentences, and imagination, and willfulness. Dan and I are working on our patience. But we are also really enjoying our family. Trying to find the balance. Trying to remember that our weaknesses don't have to make us despair, because they give God a chance to show his strength.

Work it out. with fear and trembling

I feel like I should not post. I feel like I ought to post something happy. Wait for something glorious to happen. Post about something good that happened last week. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes posting about the good things, even when I am not feeling good, makes me feel better, gives me a fresh peek at the delights of being a mother and a housewife.

But today I just feel like a hypocrite. I have prayed a number of times today. It has helped. It has lifted me out of blackness. For that I am thankful. But it keeps coming back. It's nearly 11pm. The girls are still awake, running around, taking off their clothes. Pulling out toys, getting into each other's beds. Ignoring the admonitions of their mother. This age is really tough, and I don't always like who I am when my patience is tried. That is stating things mildly. I have had awful thoughts today. Despairing, angry, and ugly. My actions have not been far off, either.

I would like to enjoy housework. I want to take pleasure in the process of setting this house to rights. At times I do feel that way. Most of the time, though, it is just drudgery. I think that in time, God can change my heart, but as of right now.... sigh. It is hard for me to commit to a task when I know that I will be constantly interrupted, pulled in various directions. It makes me cranky with my kids. So, many times I don't even start. Dan doesn't really enjoy coming home to a disaster area. He is kind, he is understanding, he does not pressure me. But still. I know that when he comes home to cleanliness and order, there is a relief and a peace that comes over his face. It's not lost on me. I used to hate cooking, but I am coming around and I enjoy having a good meal cooked and on the table when Dan arrives home. So there is hope for more progress, right? Please say that there is.

So, I feel powerless, but that is just pride, a need to be in control of my surroundings. I can give that up, hand it over. I read all these little photo captions, blogs, facebook status updates, about happy moms who (apparently) are in perfect harmony with the place in life in which they have found themselves. I feel envious, and I can give that up as well. Ok. I feel frustrated that I am not contributing any money toward running this household. I know that I am where I need to be, that my kids need me, and that my husband does not resent me. But I am used to working full time, bringing home a paycheck, and even after 2 1/2 years, I still feel funny about it. Deep breath, and let it go.

We are staring a small group in our home. We have had one meeting. It was last Friday. This is a really good thing, and we are so excited to finally be a part of something like this again. It gives me hope for quite a few things: 1) Practical application of God's word in my life. I can't wait to see some fruit, I know that I will. 2)Relationship building - with the other members of the group, but also with my immediate family members. 3)Keeping the house clean - nothing like visitors to motivate me!

In short, I have had (so far) a really tough week emotionally, and the spiritual foundation that I thought I had placed myself on, seems to have dissolved. Now of course, this makes all the sense in the world. I am more sure than ever that this new venture is the right one for us, that we have much growth to attain, and many new lessons to learn... that the peace that transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind. Because as dark as I may feel, as lost as I may think that I am (and I really am, I guess), there is One who has my back, so to speak. And His grace will be sufficient. I mean, who am I kidding - what other real option is there?

number nine and mr. eight months

Today is Dan and my 9th anniversary. Wow, really? I can't really believe that. Apparently, the traditional gift for the 9th is pottery. Works well for us, since we have been collecting ceramic pieces in one form or another since we got married. Dan picked a gorgeous arts and crafts style vase, which goes well with a few others that he has given me over the last several years. This was quite unexpected, and I have to say, I LOVE IT. I think it might be my favorite yet.

He also came home with these... happy happy gerber daisies! What can I say, the man knows me. I made him a playlist and wrote him a letter, detailing the reason for each song. It sounds a little cheesy, but it wasn't. Music has always figured largely in our relationship, and it was really fun to choose songs that threw us back in time to one particular moment or experience. I could have picked many more songs, but I had to draw the line somewhere... editing is a good thing, I have been told. But it was a good gift apparently; he laughed, he cried... it has been quite a while since I have seen Dan cry. A good, emotional, happy cry. I feel very blessed to be married to such a funny, talented, loving, and devoted man. The last few years have been really different, adding children to the mix, and there certainly have been some challenges. But we always manage to steal a little bit of time for ourselves. I do miss our weekly dates, but our little "state of the union" chats are as constructive as ever. They are not always easy, but we both have the same goal: to grow closer, to love each other better, to be the best husband and wife that we can be, and now, the best parents that we can be.

Speaking of parenting, the fat little guy we call Jude is 8 months old today as well. It seems he now believes himself to be a big boy, because he suddenly started standing up in his crib. Nutty kid, he only started really crawling in earnest last week! Well, there he goes, he is officially a big shot. And very proud of himself, as you can see.