Wonderful things

My niece made this nativity scene for me a while back. A good while back, at least 8 years ago. But it has been a while since Dan and I have fully decorated for christmas, and I was so happy to be able to put this up. There are things that bring me back to my childhood Christmas experiences - certain ornaments, certain smells, but this is a new classic. It is one of the few things that as an adult, puts these new Christmases on par with the ones sweetened by nostalgia. Just read that inscription held by the angels, written from memory, the perfectly imperfect memory of a sweet little 6 year old!
It has a place of honor on our bookshelf, in the middle of the living room. The kids love it almost as much as I do. The expressions on these little faces just put me over the moon. The close-up of the 3 wise men didn't come out very clear, so I skipped it, but goodness gracious, I practically cry they make me laugh so hard. It's really one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given, and Dan has given me some really good gifts, let me tell you!
These figures have become part of what makes Christmas, Christmas. I love that they will become part of what my kids remember, they will be for them what a certain little dancing lamb with a golden tinsel tambourine ornament was for me...

We did not have a "normal" Christmas this year, since the twins were sick. The house became a hole of messiness, and we ate peanut butter crackers for Christmas dinner. None of us really had time to think about things; we put most of our energy into fever reduction efforts, so it's only now that I am getting a chance to reflect a bit. "Forever rest" kinda sounds good right now, but it also sounds a little ominous... how cute is that, though. Childhood misunderstandings and mispronunciations are just so wonderful to me. It's still Christmas, right, until New Years?

leaky Christmas, and feverish, but still sweet

Oh, my, what a Christmas. Fevers raging, we skipped the traveling from house to house and stayed home. Poor girls, being sick on Christmas is no fun, but they did have a good time opening their presents. It was probably better to have it quiet and calm, them being the age that they are.

I have wonderful memories of Christmas, all ethereal, insubstantial memories: the smell of a candle just snuffed out, the mysterious shimmer of gifts in shiny wrapping under a lit tree, anticipation pleasantly gnawing at my stomach, and the odd feeling of it all being over too soon, almost as though it never happened... except that I would have a treasure or two to remind me that it did. The look on the girlies faces this morning showed me that they were feeling the magic and wonder, too, and that made me happy. They also sat quietly and sweetly, while we read the christmas story together and prayed before digging in and tearing up.

Tonight, after a dinner of crackers and the administering of Tylenol, we put the girls in their beds and found water bubbling the ceiling and walls in their bedroom. Super. Dan called our upstairs neighbors to make them aware of the situation and ask permission to go in and check things out, as they were out for the evening and he has a key. They responded by laughing. This did not sit well with me. My kids are sick with a 103 degree fever, and they cannot even sleep in their own beds on Christmas night. I know, though, that these people don't have children, much less sick ones, and can afford to be careless about things like this. It isn't their fault that the leak in their apartment was not given the attention that it should have. Grrrrr.

like sandpaper and bare...

ass. yes, that's what I said. It's from a movie, as many of you may know. Referring to 2 people who can't get along, an alternative to "oil and water". But I am using it here to describe a general soul chaffing. I have been rather up and down lately, have you noticed? Perhaps I suffer a bit from depression, or possibly bipolar disorder. or, maybe it's just this stage I am in, where I popped out 3 babies in two years, and I have not quite managed to get a handle on myself, my relationships, and my strategy for getting through a day. I am not trying to be flippant about chemical imbalances, I really am just wondering what the source of all this angst might be.

I am a fundamentally insecure person. Sad, but true. I second guess just about everything that I do and say. It is rare that I come out of a situation and feel that I handled it well, whatever it might be, from an interaction with one of my kids to a simple evening out. I mean really, I recently got out of the house for a couple of hours, with some friends, and a couple of days later, I find myself thinking about the way I acted, or something I said, and I am embarrassed. I think to myself, wow, you are such an irritating person. Ok, while I am writing this, a few things pop into my head that were perhaps good things that I have done recently. Ways in which I have handled myself well. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

Someone recently said to me that it isn't feelings that matter, it's results. But I find that I simply can't agree. If I accomplish something, but I don't like the way I've arrived there ( for instance someone's feelings got hurt, or I lost my temper), it just doesn't add up. The ends don't justify the means. And maybe I failed to accomplish something that I had set out to get done, but ran into some roadblocks... wouldn't it be better to try another way around than to smash my way through, doing damage along the way? Or is that my insecurity popping up again, telling my that I just don't have the confidence to make things happen?

Ok, I know this is an odd, slightly disjointed, and vague post. I'm sorry, truely. But my thought are very scattered. However, my children are all asleep before 8:30! Hooray!

A long weekend is over, oh drat

A quiet moment never lasts long; in fact, I can hear Jude gummily voicing his opinions from the back room... Hey, if Dr Suess can make up words, so can I. I mean really, "punkerish"? "thneed"? somehow, he gets his point across beautifully.

Thanksgiving weekend was sweet. truly. Dan was home with us for 4 straight days, with no obligations. And we had such a fantastic time. I even made it into a few pictures that I didn't take! Amazing.

So now I am going through withdrawal, as Dan is back to work in earnest. he didn't get in last night until 3am, and then the alarms (all 5 of 'em) started sounding promptly at 5:30. Ugh, and today is not promising to be much better. Thank goodness for a winter break looming close by. I am tired of juggling kids. I really had it down with the 2 girls, but Jude just throws a major kink into my system. He is a delight, but it is just tricky being so outnumbered! And these smarties take full advantage. I have not yet grown eyes in the back of my head, and my multitasking skills are pitiful to behold... maybe having eyes in the back of your head amounts to no more than the assumption that IF my child is not in my sight, then said child IS up to something.

And after Harry Potter, having eyes in the back of one's head takes on a more sinister meaning. So, maybe I will make do without them...

There is chicken defrosting in the kitchen, and I am waiting for it to tell me what it wants to be made into tonight. Something sans noodles. I am all noodled out. Watch, I will make rice, or potatoes, and my children will moan, "I want noodles, Mommy!" These kids, man, they sure know what they want. It's to be envied at times, this single-mindedness. Not to be distracted, not to be appeased by less than the goal's accomplishment. I could learn a little something from them. Perhaps I ought to give them more opportunities to show me their simple wisdom.

getting to know you, getting to know all about you...

This is a jolly little person who I kinda like. He is rowdy and rough, as well as cuddly, sweet, and pretty smart. He doesn't say much, but his personality is starting to really develop. He thinks that his sisters are the coolest, and crawls around after them all day. But he doesn't like it when they sit on his Mommy's lap. He could walk if he wanted to, I think, but he likes to crawl, because he can move like lightening on all fours. His will is strong, but he is super affectionate. Jude is my fat little bundle of happiness.

Rowan is my dreamy child. She has finally stopped wearing this tutu every single day, all day, with her Cinderella shoes. She loves to sing, and once I sang my way through "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" a la Opera Man, she started singing her every word. I love it. She is dramatic to a fault, and cuddly like a little puppy. She has a touch of OCD I think... she wants things to be pronounced correctly, and doesn't like her socks to be twisted.

Genevieve likes her berries, acorns, rocks, walnuts, whatever out-of-doors collectibles she can get her hands on. And she likes to have her collections documented for posterity. She is full of imagination, and her mechanical mind is always leading her to make interesting arrangements and towers with odd groupings of household items. Her knowing little smile is full of humor, and she would prefer to fall asleep with her arms wrapped around one of her parents, as close as close gets.

The funny little idiosyncrasies of my kids are one of the things that keep me going. These days I don't feel much like I am handling things very well. I lose my patience, I get overwhelmed, I look forward to nap time. But they are always surprising me with how resilient they are, how forgiving they are, how much they love me. Having them all so close in age is unbelievably crazy right now, but I know that in a couple of years it will get easier. At least I like to think so. The challenges will change, at least, and there will be a time when the laundry is not filled with peed-on clothes. That's my light at the end of the tunnel!

It's no wonder we feel confused

The things that have been going on lately are just unreal. In a relatively short amount of time (the last 10 weeks or so), we have experienced a violent swing of events and emotions. There has been an engagement, 3 weddings, a tragic accidental death, a healthy birth of twins, an earth-shattering suicide, and just last night, what appears to be another attempted suicide, which Dan witnessed and helped to prevent.

What can be said about all of this? This chaos is what life is made up of, and yet, this seems like a ridiculously concentrated dose of huge events, some horrific and others beautiful. These events have also occurred disproportionately within Dan's circle of friends, family, and working relationships, especially the really difficult ones. This is wearing on him, and I feel helpless to alleviate the stress and emotional strain under which he finds himself. Honestly, I find myself blankly wondering how he is doing it, how he can even attend to the little voices of his adoring children, or the incessant calls and emails of his evening job, while also contemplating the possible loss of his day job.

The constant circle of life, death, love, and loss has never been so present, or so contradictory, and I feel that I am appreciating small moments more. I am strangely finding the time to draw and sketch more, also, and this time to find my center puts my small stresses into perspective. My heart continually returns to Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

And he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction,

out of the miry clay,

And he set my feet upon a rock making my

footsteps firm.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise

to our God;

Many will see and fear

And will trust in the Lord

Birthdays and Grey Hairs

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH

I am so stinking tired. But I feel pretty good, otherwise. Life with toddlers has been far from easy, as they are all (including Jude) pushing me hard and testing their boundaries. However, I am keeping my cool, outwardly at least, even though I do yell sometimes. Who doesn't, right? Today was the girls 3rd birthday. Wow, three years old already, and Jude is nearly one. The girls got a lot of good stuff for their birthday, but I somehow ended up getting them a whole slew of thing with polka dots... boots, umbrellas, piggy banks, underwear, even wrapping paper! Goodness, how did I manage to do that without even realizing? fortunately, they like polka dots.

Ok, so it isn't "today" anymore, I mean it isn't last Thursday... I have had a really hard time finding the time and motivation to post. For one thing, I rarely get a decent night's sleep, and so when I have a little time alone, it usually turns into a nap. For another thing, my kids seriously resent it when I look at a computer screen for more than 30 seconds. It's just not worth trying - it took me 30 minutes last night to type out an email, because they just couldn't stand my attention being so absorbed by something other than them. Oh, my darlings!

So, I have noticed that I have a lot more grey hairs than I did 3 years ago... and in the typical temple region, so that if I pull my hair back they are very noticeable. Sigh. These two are without a doubt responsible for this! I guess they are worth it... just maybe... Here they are, looking remarkably similar. Hey, are they twins? Um, yeah. You wouldn't believe how many people ask me that. I suppose I should just dress them the same all the time, to avoid confusion.

My Dear One

senorita slacker, here, is trying to post something that has been stewing for weeks... anyway, I will try to get some of it out now. Dan recently had a birthday, and I just really wanted to mention in a thousand words or less how wonderful he is to me. Seriously, he works two full time jobs to keep our bills payed, our health insurance great, our living space secure, food in our bellies, and Mommy at home with the three midgets, because in these early years we feel that it's important. He works his fingers to the bone at two jobs which he does not particularly love, and he does it for us. This kind of love is overwhelming and humbling.

Beyond all of this, he is hilarious, and I am so happy that we still keep each other laughing, that we still can tease each other that 'I am the funny one', as if there is only room for one humorous person in the relationship, and that as time marches on, it just adds more layers of meaning and enjoyment to our inside jokes. He makes our kids laugh, and they get his sense of humor, like when he calls them the wrong name on purpose, and they respond by calling him 'Mommy'. I hope he imparts to them his sense of confidence as they grow older, because it is just so pleasant to be around someone who is at ease in their own skin, who makes no apologies for being himself. In short, I am lucky to have married the man I was meant for, and although it has taken me about 3 weeks just to finish this post in half-minute increments, I will just go ahead and say it... Happy Birthday my Dear One! I love you.

the knitting bug

INSPIRATION:

TRANSLATION:

They can't be identical, and here is my proof

Rowan's post-nap coif
Genevieve's practically perfect hair - how she wakes up like this is beyond me.

They both had ponytails, I took out the rubber bands, and tucked them in. The results are quite varied, I would say. And genetically dissimilar.

As I was helping Rowan assemble 8 layers of dress up clothes, she graciously kissed me on the cheek with a sweet smile and told me I was "just like God-Mudder". Glad to help all your dreams come true, honey bun. Bippity boppity boo.

an upswing, I think

Okay, so fall has really been something so far. I love the fall, but I have just been exhausted, not getting enough sleep, and the only time I have for blogging is when Jude is asleep, and he sleeps in the room with the computer (our bedroom). I don't generally want to risk waking him, but today, for some reason, I am reasonably sure that his deep sleep will remain deep. This boy is a source of much joy and hilarity for all of us. He is energetic, playful, funny, stinking cute, and very affectionate. But he is a normal baby, and his newest normal developmental stage is the discovery of gravity. he drops things constantly, and then expects them to be handed right back. He whines when the object is not returned to him. Little Booger.

I know that my girls were exceptionally easy babies. I mean unbelievably, practically perfect, Mary Poppins babies. So much so that I wondered if maybe they wouldn't be particularly smart - just happy, content, kind little people. I was fine with that possibility. I know now that I just had a very blessed babyhood with them. They never even drooled! I am serious! Of course, now, I am realizing how very smart and clever they really are, it just didn't kick into high gear until 2 years of age. I am fine with that, also, but man - what a difference between their babyhood and their precocious toddler-hood, plus a wild baby boy!

They are amazing me more every day, with their long sentences and their different senses of humor. I really enjoy their mispronunciations, also... meatlove (meatloaf), meep balls (meatballs), oapmeal (oatmeal), I don't know why, but the best ones seem to be food related. Oh, and stum (thumb) is another favorite of mine. I like these late afternoon photos... they just have a warm glow that makes me happy.
I got an hour long nap today, and I feel optimistic about things. Potty training is a very slow process, but it is mostly due to the fact that I am not very proactive about it.. I think the girls would have mastered it long ago if I would have just stepped up my game a bit... but slow is okay with us; I just really have to watch that I don't feel bad about it when people ask me why they are not trained yet. After all, it has been my own choice to take it easy, and it isn't anything to feel either guilty or competitive about. Bedtime is getting better, thanks in part to a renewal of patience and consistency on Dan's and my side of things, and some good advice from a fellow mother of twins (thank you, Clare!).

The girls were much more concerned that I take pictures of their "fwudders" (which is their fantastic was of saying flowers ), than of them. I tried to do both. And yes, I know that they are grasses, not flowers, but the girls will not be convinced of this.

As far as my general well-being goes, I am on an upswing, I think. But realistically, there is a lot of up and down in life and parenting, and I am learning , slowly, how to take these peaks and valleys in stride. Sort of. Sometimes.

Just for the sake of posting something!

I have had a really hard time finding the time to post. and when I do have a bit of time, my thoughts are still scattered all over the map.

Jude has been sick, and the once innocent lower back / top of the diaper area is now eyed with suspicion by me at all times, because I have seen hideous flash floods, bubbling up like melted peanut butter from the pit of hell. I have been paralyzed with fear and uncertainty... do I pick him up and risk squishing it out more? do I leave him alone on the floor to possibly roll over and wreak havoc on the carpet while I fetch diaper, wipes, and plastic bags? Fortunately, he is better now, but the fear remains...

The girls have been slowly working with me on potty training. I really need to just buckle down - it isn't the twins who are dragging their feet, it's mommy. I just balk at adding anything new to the routine, it overwhelms me, and I just can't move forward. I don't know why that is, but it's not a character trait of which I am proud. Maybe I'll just slap some panties (yes, panties!) on them and they will learn the uncomfortable way. All talk, all talk and no action!

Summer is winding down and september has brought with it cool breezes and slightly lower temperatures. For this I am profoundly grateful, except that fall makes me want to spend money! Sweaters, boots, corduroys, big leather bags.. I dreamt about fashion last night, literally, and awoke feeling the craving to shop. Thank goodness for the 3 little ones that keep me out of the mall and anchored to reality!

Jude is becoming more and more mobile, and is cruising around, walking while holding on to the furniture. He just turned 9 months, and is a big fat joy to behold. And hold. He is delightfully cuddly. Rowan and Genevieve are bursting with run on sentences, and imagination, and willfulness. Dan and I are working on our patience. But we are also really enjoying our family. Trying to find the balance. Trying to remember that our weaknesses don't have to make us despair, because they give God a chance to show his strength.

Work it out. with fear and trembling

I feel like I should not post. I feel like I ought to post something happy. Wait for something glorious to happen. Post about something good that happened last week. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes posting about the good things, even when I am not feeling good, makes me feel better, gives me a fresh peek at the delights of being a mother and a housewife.

But today I just feel like a hypocrite. I have prayed a number of times today. It has helped. It has lifted me out of blackness. For that I am thankful. But it keeps coming back. It's nearly 11pm. The girls are still awake, running around, taking off their clothes. Pulling out toys, getting into each other's beds. Ignoring the admonitions of their mother. This age is really tough, and I don't always like who I am when my patience is tried. That is stating things mildly. I have had awful thoughts today. Despairing, angry, and ugly. My actions have not been far off, either.

I would like to enjoy housework. I want to take pleasure in the process of setting this house to rights. At times I do feel that way. Most of the time, though, it is just drudgery. I think that in time, God can change my heart, but as of right now.... sigh. It is hard for me to commit to a task when I know that I will be constantly interrupted, pulled in various directions. It makes me cranky with my kids. So, many times I don't even start. Dan doesn't really enjoy coming home to a disaster area. He is kind, he is understanding, he does not pressure me. But still. I know that when he comes home to cleanliness and order, there is a relief and a peace that comes over his face. It's not lost on me. I used to hate cooking, but I am coming around and I enjoy having a good meal cooked and on the table when Dan arrives home. So there is hope for more progress, right? Please say that there is.

So, I feel powerless, but that is just pride, a need to be in control of my surroundings. I can give that up, hand it over. I read all these little photo captions, blogs, facebook status updates, about happy moms who (apparently) are in perfect harmony with the place in life in which they have found themselves. I feel envious, and I can give that up as well. Ok. I feel frustrated that I am not contributing any money toward running this household. I know that I am where I need to be, that my kids need me, and that my husband does not resent me. But I am used to working full time, bringing home a paycheck, and even after 2 1/2 years, I still feel funny about it. Deep breath, and let it go.

We are staring a small group in our home. We have had one meeting. It was last Friday. This is a really good thing, and we are so excited to finally be a part of something like this again. It gives me hope for quite a few things: 1) Practical application of God's word in my life. I can't wait to see some fruit, I know that I will. 2)Relationship building - with the other members of the group, but also with my immediate family members. 3)Keeping the house clean - nothing like visitors to motivate me!

In short, I have had (so far) a really tough week emotionally, and the spiritual foundation that I thought I had placed myself on, seems to have dissolved. Now of course, this makes all the sense in the world. I am more sure than ever that this new venture is the right one for us, that we have much growth to attain, and many new lessons to learn... that the peace that transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind. Because as dark as I may feel, as lost as I may think that I am (and I really am, I guess), there is One who has my back, so to speak. And His grace will be sufficient. I mean, who am I kidding - what other real option is there?

number nine and mr. eight months

Today is Dan and my 9th anniversary. Wow, really? I can't really believe that. Apparently, the traditional gift for the 9th is pottery. Works well for us, since we have been collecting ceramic pieces in one form or another since we got married. Dan picked a gorgeous arts and crafts style vase, which goes well with a few others that he has given me over the last several years. This was quite unexpected, and I have to say, I LOVE IT. I think it might be my favorite yet.

He also came home with these... happy happy gerber daisies! What can I say, the man knows me. I made him a playlist and wrote him a letter, detailing the reason for each song. It sounds a little cheesy, but it wasn't. Music has always figured largely in our relationship, and it was really fun to choose songs that threw us back in time to one particular moment or experience. I could have picked many more songs, but I had to draw the line somewhere... editing is a good thing, I have been told. But it was a good gift apparently; he laughed, he cried... it has been quite a while since I have seen Dan cry. A good, emotional, happy cry. I feel very blessed to be married to such a funny, talented, loving, and devoted man. The last few years have been really different, adding children to the mix, and there certainly have been some challenges. But we always manage to steal a little bit of time for ourselves. I do miss our weekly dates, but our little "state of the union" chats are as constructive as ever. They are not always easy, but we both have the same goal: to grow closer, to love each other better, to be the best husband and wife that we can be, and now, the best parents that we can be.

Speaking of parenting, the fat little guy we call Jude is 8 months old today as well. It seems he now believes himself to be a big boy, because he suddenly started standing up in his crib. Nutty kid, he only started really crawling in earnest last week! Well, there he goes, he is officially a big shot. And very proud of himself, as you can see.

Christine and Anna

So I was waiting until I had a good image to accompany my post... I just wish I had written it already, because it was so fresh in my mind over the weekend, and now I just feel like life has taken over again. Oh, whatever, I will stop whining and get down to it. On Friday night, my sister took part in a summer arts festival, if you will, for women. She had agreed to be a part of it without realizing that she was agreeing to be the keynote speaker for the entire thingamajig. She does not like public speaking, and has never before combined it with a drawing demonstration. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure that she has ever really done a drawing demo, either. Well, she was pretty scared, but decided to pray and see what God might give her to share.

She asked if I would come, and just pray for her while she did her thing. I was happy to do so, and also excited to hear her speak, as she was going to give her testimony, something I had never had the pleasure of hearing. This was going to be good, I was sure, but I was completely unprepared for how affected I would be!

I feel like I should try to just tell the whole thing, but how lame that would be; it would have none of the vulnerability, humor, and power of the original.

Christine began by explaining where she was coming from, what God was currently teaching her, and the parable that he gave her which inspired the drawing she did while speaking. But she then told how she came to believe in Jesus, and how it was her conversion at 12 that brought my parents to him, and myself shortly after, at the age of 5. She spoke of my parent's transformation, and the wonderful stability of our home. I don't disagree, but it was so enlightening to hear her perspective. We are two different people, and as the baby of the family, I think I still have the tendency to think that the world revolves around me. I loved hearing about our childhood from the perspective of another pair of eyes. I loved hearing anew the story of how she met and married my brother in law, and how her children have changed her life and her identity for the better.

I had no idea how funny she would be! Her nervous energy and honestly combined with a natural goofiness superbly. She was so real and so beautiful. Toward the end, when her talk was over, and she needed to finish the drawing, my niece, Anna, sang and accompanied herself on the piano. That girl is incredible. Her voice is so pure and lovely, and the song was beautiful, I seriously had to contain myself, and really hold it together to keep from sobbing outright. She is only 13, but her passion is palpable, and her talent immense. I left feeling so full and happy and hopeful, not to mention proud of my incredible family.

Love Song to my Midgets

We have walked to the playground. The girls run to play while I sit on the grass with Jude. He screeches, making his voice as hoarse as possible, ending in a faker's cough. How cute can a terrible, grating noise be? Cute enough! People are this kid's favorite toy, and I talk into his belly, making him laugh. He grabs my head on both sides, trying to munch my face. He is so close that I can't focus on him; his grey eyes are a blur of baby concentration. Behind his head is a startling blue sky with impossible fluffy clouds, and sycamore branches, leaves emerald in the sun. Singsong toddler voices converse nearby in the sandbox. I sing to him as best I can, the song I sang to him and to his sisters, while they grew like happy little aliens in my belly. An Irish lullaby - he pulls back to listen, always game for a song:

In this heart lies for you

A lark born only for you

Who sings only to you

My love, my love, my love

A love song more than a lullaby, I guess, but one that I reserve for my babies. Dan and I have many love songs, but this one is between Mommy and Little Ones. Such a smile I receive for my efforts!

Exhausted, we all fall asleep after the short walk home. After nap-time, we all wake up together, as if someone has pushed the wake up button. Jude is overjoyed to see Genevieve and Rowan, who in turn, are enthralled by his gummy smiles and bouncy attention. They coo over him, fawning. I love this interaction. Refreshed by their sleep, they get along with the renewed energy and enjoyment that a brief separation and a good rest can bring.

where my heart is happy

So, for something to do with the girls, I bought a box of pasta with which to string necklaces. But it looked so boring, and I didn't really like the idea of painting individual ziti... so I thought I would try food coloring. It actually worked better than expected. Also unexpected was how enamored I became with the little glasses filled with food coloring and noodles!
I felt compelled to take their picture. It was like a candy shop, an array of flavors, mouth-watering colors, displayed in simple glass containers. I love things like this - the simplicity, the contrasts, the textures, are all like medicine for my tired mind.

The girls were fascinated, too, and I think they will have fun when they are all dry, making necklaces with yarn. But sometimes, I feel like I am doing it more for me than for them! I guess if I can find a project, no matter how simple, that can feed the artist in my soul, while still letting my kids make something that requires a little brain work and a bit of manual dexterity, then we all win.

Today, the girls found a stag beetle at he playground, "Look mommy, a Daddy spider!" "No, that's not a spider, girls." "Yeah, it's a Moose." The thing was about 2 inches long - stag beetles never cease to amaze me... and gross me out, if I'm being honest.

Genevieve said, "mmm, that's really tasty, Mommy, thank you!" when she tasted her mashed potatoes tonight. At least I know some of the training is sinking in.

I actually am too tired to think straight, but those were the two highlights of a slightly difficult day. Really, I have to write it down, so why not write it here?

Rowan's in green, Genevieve's in pink, and the fat naked one is Jude

So why is blogger such a control freak? why can't I have my photos in the order in which I upload them? And why isn't it giving me a font option? And why do I always have to fix the date? Lame-o. That's all I have to say about that. Anyway, a post is more boring when there are no photos, so this is to make up for the last one. Or to accompany it, and document our very low key 4th of July.

Hmmm

Jude is trying so hard to crawl, moving from hands and knees to plank position, back to knees. Now and again I see a quick downward facing dog. He is so strong! And big - he weighed at 6 months what the girls weighed at 1 year. The girls have been so funny lately, saying the most hilarious things, and new words every day. Last night I put them all three in the bath for the first time. Jude was hysterical, screwing up his face into the most determined expression, and pounding away at the water as if it were his job. He would pause every so often to rub his wet eyes, and then get right back to it. Never cracked a smile once. After I pulled him out and wrapped him up in a towel, I just sat on the edge of the tub with him, while the girls continues their bath. Geneveieve looked up fondly at Jude, "Mommy, Jude's all wrapped up". yup, he is... and Rowan said "Aw, Jude's in a wrapper, like a little cheese stick!" I couldn't stop laughing.

On the other end of the spectrum, these girls are pushing me hard, disobeying constantly, refusing to go to sleep at night, getting completely naked, peeing in their beds. And they have had a nasty summer cold for over 2 weeks now. I think I will have to load them all up and take them to the doctor tomorrow. That ought to be fun. And my mood is just all over the place. I had a couple of weeks there, when I just felt really blessed with peace, but now I am just beyond a roller-coaster. I love these kids so much, but we are having a blast one minute, and then trying to deal with blatant defiance the next. I get so irritated by lack of logic in people... that makes it hard when dealing with small toddlers, huh? I just want them to understand, and be able to let me know that they understand, so I don't have to obsess over whether or not I am getting through to them.

I am so thankful for a supportive husband, who sees what I am dealing with, offers suggestions and prayer on-the-spot, but doesn't criticize or judge me. Also, he makes me laugh about it, and that is the best thing for me. It changes my perspective, changes my mood, and brings me back to myself. But honestly, I am just so tired, and sick of people who make it look easy. And jealous of people who get vacations, with or without children. Sorry if this post is a bit whiny... I'm trying to break the girls of it, but perhaps I need to lead by example.

goings on

I took some pictures on Sunday at the prompting of my sister in law, and here a couple of my favorites... it has been a long end to a long weekend.  We spent the weekend at my in laws house, which is always fun.  However, it was a bit more business than pleasure, at least for Dan, who was helping to replace the deck in the front of the house. The rain kept interrupting him, and they kept running into snags.  This meant that we stayed an extra 24 hours.  This would be fine if it was just me and Jude, but the girls really start to act up (at least toward me) when they are out of their usual element for an extended period of time.  They would probably do better if I wasn't there at all; I think it messes with their heads.  They think they are on vacation, and here's Mommy, trying to maintain the status quo.  What a party pooper! 
I am reminded of what a homebody I really am.  Without enough clothes or diapers or sleep, I feel like I can't quite relax, and when my kids are not behaving well toward me, it's kind of a hit to my self-esteem.  I'm fine now, with some decent rest and hindsight.  My dear Mom and Dad Costa are so fantastic, and they really are a surrogate family.  I can't relate at all to in-law horror stories, and I count myself blessed.  Nevertheless, I hit a wall on Sunday afternoon, and just had to get home.  So Mom Costa graciously offered the use of her mini-van, so that I wouldn't have to put a car seat in the front of our tiny Civic, and I made my way home.... ah, home.
The kids all slept the entire way, and an hour later we pulled up to our beloved porch, unloaded, and spent a wonderful 3 hours paying out there, eating dinner, coloring, knitting, and taking some pictures.  It was amazing the difference it made to my soul.  The kids seemed relieved to be there as well, but perhaps they were just happy to see me completely relaxed.  

Today, I got to put all three kids in the van, and go grocery shopping for the first time.  Pushing a cart with one of those kiddie cars on the front , and Jude squeezed into his infant seat on the top, was like shoving a small automobile with no power steering around the aisles.  But I felt good, and independent, and as if I were getting my legs a bit of a workout.  An hour later, amid some pushing and hair pulling and whining, we loaded ourselves back up, and made our way home.  Now my little ones are all tucked snugly onto their beds, sleeping like angels.  I feel good.  The first shot is Rowan, the second Vivi, and Jude is letting me borrow his head to size up a work in progress.

Today

Today I feel unflappably calm.  Nothing can ruffle my feathers.  It's a nice feeling to just roll with it; whatever "it" may be.  

today I am enjoying a big Wawa coffee, made exactly the way I like it.

TODAY a woman asked me what the age difference was between my two daughters.  I should have been a smart-ass and told her "4 minutes", but that didn't occur to me until later.  They were even wearing the same outfit in the same color, which almost never is the case.

Today I shook off the sleepies and got up to the playground before lunch.  This, also, is almost never the case.  I think I will make it a priority to do that more often.  I might actually meet some of the other women and children who live here on campus.  I found out that there are over 30 kids under the age of 18.  I had no idea - I thought there were perhaps 10.  I know that I can be a homebody, but jeez!  

Today all 3 kids are asleep at the same time, and I think I shall follow suit.

more fun than we know what to do with

                                     Genevieve
                                    Rowan
Solemn preparations for the cookie making extravaganza. Why does silly blogger reverse the order of my photos? Does it have something to do with selecting "center" for the format today?  Annoyance!  Oh well.  So we have been having a good day so far.  I have decided that since we are stuck at home for the most part, I will try my hardest to make home the most desirable place to be.  That includes making things clean, so it's a work in progress at best.  But I have plans, and that is a good feeling.  I can't really plant things, so I am considering a container garden on the porch. hmmmm, I guess we'll see, I have never had much of a green thumb.  
I made some play-dough today while the girls slept.  I never knew it was so easy!  Well, I did, only I never made the cooked kind, and it's so much better!  plus, I can make it whatever color I want...

Poor kids, they are in for it.  They're just getting down the basics of color, and here comes Mommy with a tray of play-dough with names that read like a J. Crew catalogue.  No honey, that's not red, it's paprika.  Let your sister use the mulberry dough... no, the purple one!  I give up, pass me the green.  No primary color schemes for these artsy-fartsy toddlers!  Now, if I can only keep them from mixing up the colors... (Laughing)...  Actually, I don't know if my camera has captured the true subtlety of these dough balls and their hues... I think I need to paint.

So wow, pandora has got my number... it's like an autobiographical radio station today!  It's the perfect thing to blog to... it makes me feel like me, past and present, and who knows, maybe they'll throw me something new to move into the future with!

falling in love again

I am falling in love again... and not with my husband. I am still in love with my husband, of course, he is so very awe-some.  

But I am falling in love with my kids again. We have recently been having a bit of a rough time, terrible twos and all of that, but this week, there has been a wonderful explosion. An explosion of everything, really; they are suddenly communicating so clearly, multiple new things coming out every day. They are imagining so independently, using funny voices, telling me all sorts of things, counting, saying their ABC's, speaking in paragraphs, it's just hilarious and fun. Now for the potty training to kick into high gear. That part is up to me, of course. They are letting me know that they are getting ready, so I had better get ready, too.  And Jude, he is just a dream (aside from waking up every 3 hours at night)... who could resist those cheeks and thighs! He is growing so fast, and his personality is mostly sunshiny.  I can't believe the spellcheck didn't balk at that.  So sunshiny is a word... must try it in a game of scrabble.  Oh, I am just so glad that we are having fun, since we're housebound during the week!  And I love Mondays, too, because my Mom comes to help me out, and the girls just love it as well.  So I'm feeling good, and so are my little ones, and for that I am thankful. 

     I just wanted to share some of my favorite pictures from recent days; top to bottom: (1)Tea party on the porch, Rowan in red shorts (2)Tummy time (3)Genevieve and Gypsy (4)Genevieve in her choice of outfits (5)Nude Jude (6) Rowan and a feather.  Fun, fun, fun!

of cabbages and kings...

It has been difficult to blog lately.  Not only am I challenged in the area of time, but now I have to do it standing up! And that's not really my favorite thing, not when I have 3 kids asleep and should be sleeping myself.  Pecking away at the keyboard from bed, well, ok, I'll spend a little time on the computer.  But standing up?  Blech.  And that is honestly the entire reason why I haven't posted in so long.  The airport burned out or something (that's a technical term), and so I have to plug in directly to the ethernet cable.  Putting  a crib in the bedroom pretty much blasted our plans for a desk / computer area, so I am typing at the bureau, which is decent standing height, at least.  

This is how Rowan wakes up in the morning. I can only surmise that she does a lot of head turning, or some vigorous thrashing.  I call it her sleepy snarl.  She wakes up from her nap like that, too.  It's really quite wild.  And I love it.  It reminds me of me, I guess, as a little squirt.

This is how Genevieve emerges from sleep.  Pretty much perfect. This has earned her the nickname of Hollywood Hair, to which she replies, "Name Geneveive. Noelle. Costa."  Pretty much all of their sentences come out like this, as if each word were a statement in itself.  I quite enjoy it.  She loves her name, which makes me happy.  I hope that she always does. Rowan has a bit of a harder time pronouncing Elizabeth. Generally it comes out, "Iiiiiiiiiiffff".  She'll get there.  

I have been blessed with really cuddly children.  It works for me, because I am a cuddly person, and never get tired if little arms around my neck, impromptu kisses, and sleepy heads on my shoulder.  Except when it is 90 degrees out. Thank God for air conditioning.  Really.  Yesterday was kinda rough.  Much better today, with the big noisy window unit pumping full blast.  It's annoying, but so worth it.  Jude is the coddliest of them all, I think.  I just lulled him to sleep.  He really fights it sometimes.  I laid him in his crib and he started wailing with desperation the second I began to lower him down.  Stinker.  So I let him be for a bit, reinstalled the pacifier a few times, sang a little song.  His eyes are so heavy, but he still keeps throwing up both legs and banging them down, clutching at his face.  It's not always like this, maybe he was overtired.  But what finally got him to relax, was me holding both his hands up by his head in his favorite sleep position, and then bending down and squashing my face into his neck.  It took about 20 seconds.  He really likes being smothered with cuddles. 

Oh, that little nerd!  he is awake already!   Ok, time to eat something before I am in demand again.

Me and Fatty Mcgee

So here we are, looking a bit tired, ok, very tired.  But happy.  We had a good day today. Yesterday, not so much. But If I can continue in this day to day, new mercies, let go of control thing that I am working on, then we are heading in a good direction.  We just enjoyed each other today, all of us.  

Jude was happy and fat and delicious as per usual, and the girls were sweet and funny.  we played outside for a bit in the wetness, ran around the house, and were silly.  Dan called out sick, and after sleeping in for a good, long time (he averages 4 hours of sleep a night), he offered to stay with the girls and Jude so that I could go out! Blessed man.  But in a sick twist of fate, he called me half an hour into my excursion, because he had started throwing up on his sick day.  I have to say, as unexpected as my outing was, I had to fight back tears to have it so quickly taken away again.  But he tried, poor guy, and it was greatly appreciated.  And I did manage to score a little, hot-pink book, entitled "potty training sucks".  It has been making me giggle already this evening. 

After dinner, the girls actually played in their room for a couple of minutes (literally), and I got to whip out a notebook and make some quick sketches of the world's wiggliest live model.  He didn't really want to keep still, but hey, I drew something.  I honestly can't remember the lat time I did that!  It felt nice, and I didn't get frustrated, even though I was less than thrilled with the results.  It was practice, and it was better than nothing.  I must remember that I can squeeze a bit of practice into my regular day, without having hours set aside.  Lesson learned.  Hopefully there will be more days like this... 3 kids is just rough, when they are so little!  Two was not too bad, once a strategy was worked out, and I got to go wherever I wanted, basically, as long as I had the double stroller... but for now we are housebound, and we are learning to make it bearable, even enjoyable.

waiting for the sea change

Ah, life.  One day running into the next, never-ending chores, "didn't I just finish this?".  It's hard for me to separate the weeks from one another, let alone the days.  I don't like this fact.  I suppose it is up to me to make each day different and special.  I feel a bit guilty, but I must admit that this idea makes me feel exhausted.  Sometimes it's easy, but some days I am just struggling to maintain composure, or to stay awake.  It's like a hamster wheel that just doesn't let up.  Punctuated, of course, by some very, very delightful moments.  I can't pretend that it's all bad; 2 year olds can be hysterical, and also very sweet.   And the fat legs of a three month old are delicious, even on the grumpiest of days.  

It's just that I get this nagging feeling that I should be accomplishing more in a day, or creating something, or just having some adult relationships.  I miss my friends.  I can't go anywhere without a babysitter (my little civic doesn't fit 3 car seats), and honestly, where would I go?  Not to the store, can you imagine?  there wouldn't be room for anything in the cart but babies!  I remember feeling like this with the twins, before I figured out a strategy for getting around.   I know that this is just a season, and I really want to enjoy Jude's babyhood while it lasts, but I am feeling like I have lost my identity to these children, and I fear I might never get it back.  Not that I don't expect my character to be altered and improved by motherhood, but there is more to me than Mommy, and I need those other parts of me to really be fulfilled and happy.  Jeez, I blogged about this after the girls were born, I think, this identity crisis of mine, but I did not expect this season to be extended with the birth of another child.  Not so soon, anyway. 

 

I read back over an old draft that I never posted, and wow, I was terrified when I found out that I was pregnant again. Out of my mind scared.  I knew what I was in for, and I knew that it would be really difficult.  And it is,  it so is.   I get out of the house so rarely... Dan is sweet enough when he is home on saturdays to send me out alone, just to have some time to myself, and I usually end up reading parenting books at Borders.  Lame, lame, lame-o!  Sounds like a Rachel Ray ingredient.  I got such a charge out of unexpectedly running to the store to buy diapers on a weeknight last week!  I am embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. Seriously, I had the window down as I drove, and I was singing and laughing in a slightly hysterical manner, just feeling so free for about 15 minutes!  I wonder if I am a little depressed.  I feel like a single mom, sometimes, with Dan working 2 full time jobs, but that is what needs to be done for now.  That too, is just a season.  I can't really feel like a single parent, because I know that I have love and support and a man who, if I really needed him to, would drop everything to come home and pick up the pieces, glue me back together, and kiss the bruises all better.  

So I have the three kids that I am meant to have, and they are fantastic.  I just can't wait until we can all go out in one car, and go bowling together, maybe with some other friends.  Or just leave them ALL with one pair of grandparents for a night, without having to worry about getting back to nurse a baby!  I am praying that I take advantage of this time at home with them on a more regular basis.  I hope I don't sound like I hate my life... more days than not, I don't.  I am just looking forward to having a better grip on things.  It's a gradual process,  I know... there probably won't be an actual sea change moment, just a day in the future when I realize that we're getting there.

projects, toddler hygiene, and laughs

This morning, Rowan grabbed my facial moisturizer off of the bathroom sink, exclaimed "chapstick!" and proceeded to rub the bottle on her armpits.  I guess she's got a few years to figure it out.

The pig is poised to jump, and the owls are wary.
Do I have control issues?  I do NOT like to be told which color crayon to use!  Genevieve is constantly handing me a new color, "here... here... here" and is not the slightest bit ruffled when I take it and put it down, while trying to complete whatever masterpiece was already underway with another color.  She just picks it back up... "here, Mommy". Rowan, on the other hand, demands a change.. "no-no, Mommy, no more purple!",  when I politely explain that I would like to finish with the purple crayon.  Maybe I should just take the new crayon and switch gears, but no sooner do I do this, then a new one is handed to me, "here, Mommy, here...".  Girls, don't you understand, this is Mommy's only creative outlet?Well, almost.  The nubbly knitting in the previous post has become this hat, the second run-through of a design that still is not working out... it looks cute, but it falls off at the slightest movement.  It fit well until I added the scalloped edging, which stretched everything out, somehow.  Aaaargh. I guess it just shows my inexperience.  Time to rip it out and start over for the third time, I suppose.  It should be a delicious cream puff of a hat, if I can ever get the fit right!