Tuesday, December 10, 2013

White

There are many unbelievable sights of beauty in this world.  I haven't seen them all, not by a long shot.  But my soul is filled by the sight and sound of a new snow.  It lovely, and transformative, and maybe it's in the transformation that my heart overflows.  Nothing like a new dress on naked branches, a light and perfectly graceful wrapping.  The hush that falls when all is blanketed in a sound-absorbing dust that slowly grows.  The knowledge that this growth is made up of uniquely individual bits, glorious like the finest lace, that combine to a visually stunning but uniform coating.  I can't draw this.  I don't even want to.  But I am happy about this white stuff.  I love it. A black and white world that brings to the few remaining colors a new glory.

Monday, October 14, 2013

cloud catchers: random notes and an unrelated sketch

Pumpkins have far too much power over me at the moment.  They are out on the porch making me happy just now.

Also, I am on my third cup of coffee. Don't look at me like that! I need it.  I burnt the inner part of my upper arm ironing, and it's seriously bothersome.  I simply cannot be spoken to while ironing. My distractibility is legendary.

My Genevieve came stumbling out of bed about an hour ago; clearly she'd been asleep, but she was babbling about suds and cleaning and making absolutely no sense. These Costas talk in their sleep like mad. It's pretty adorable. 

A sketch I'm fairly happy with: wrapping a blanket about a cloud.

 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Oh so good

Tonight, I pored devotedly over a Lego book with a four year old in his skivvies, who kept one arm protectively around me as he grilled me with questions: is he a good guy or a bad guy? Where's the ninja? Do you see a storm trooper?

Not my cup of tea, but you can understand the appeal anyway, I'm sure. 

I rubbed the backs of two squirmy first graders, who covered my face with kisses, and told me little tidbits about their days, both good and bad, and showed me their delicate, steely strength as they wonder why another child would be deliberately unkind, but shrug it off as a mystery and move on.  I'm proud of these little ones.




Monday, October 7, 2013

slow start. good beginning.


We got up soooo late this morning. I have a vague memory of a Ben Harper song playing... And suddenly I look at the phone, and it 8:17. Um, at this juncture, we should all be in the kitchen, three kids eating and me packing lunches. All dressed, shoes on.  Instead, we are struggling awake, glaring at the gloom, because it's the gloom's fault that we all thought it was still 6:30.

This is where I normally go into crazy mode, fighting the inevitable tooth and nail.  The inevitable being lateness, and having to walk the girls into the school office, sign them in, and write a note explaining our lateness. Once again.  And wondering what the nice ladies in the office think of the perpetually late Costas.

Take a deep breath. We are doing better lately, and it's just one morning. I did forget to set my alarm, and it's raining. It's not the girls' fault.  I can hear them chatting together, and I find them wrapped up in quilts, in the bottom bunk. Little Girls. Sleepy. Completely unaware that it's Monday.  I love them.  So I manage to take it easy, while making it clear that we do need to get moving.  We stumble through our routine, and into the school office, hair in unbrushed ponytails, but otherwise pretty presentable.  I almost leave my coffee in its chipped mug on the school office desk.  

Jude and I head back home, where we pass Dan, on his very late way to work, and he thanks me for handling the morning with grace. I love that he knows me so well. He knows I wanted to rush around, screaming "Hurry Up!!!" And making everyone tense and miserable. He knows, and he appreciates that I let go of the crazy. It wouldn't have sped anything up. Little victory today. But it means a lot to me. So I came back home and drew a picture. Ink on wood.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

and the next...

So, rolling right along. Here are some bird sketches, also for the same story. I was simply playing with different flying positions and bird species, on one big board, and then decided to attempt to pull them together as an actual illustration. Didn't work too well, but it helped me to work through some ideas for the next one.

Incidentally, I am feeling as though the adjustment period is smoothing out a bit for all of us here. Which is really good.




Wednesday, October 2, 2013

October, lets do this.

Clementine stood in the middle of her room and looked up.  The cloud began to cry.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

September's post.

Aw, shoot. 
I thought August was bad, I only posted four times. And now, here we are, the lone post for September.  

I don't know, I just don't feel inspired. Which is not really a valid reason, since this is supposed to be a discipline. So lets call a spade a spade and just say that I have, once again, choked and not followed through. This was supposed to be my accountability, but like anything else, you stop worrying about it once you've waited long enough.

I've been a bit of a mental case this month.  Trying to adjust and help my kids adjust to first grade and pre-k.  All three playing soccer for the first time. Wanting so badly to redo my whole house, to make everything new in here, while everything about our schedule is also new.  Knowing that as far as new goes, this is just the tip of the iceberg.  But still, I spend a lot of time in here, and it's really feeling stale.  

Oh, so I never actually posted this, and today is October 1st. So thumbs down to September, and here's to moving on.

Friday, August 30, 2013

now it's real.

Oh crud, I've been avoiding you. Honestly, I have.   I think that it's because I have a job to do and I am freezing up a bit.  So I've been busying myself with autumny things like knitting slouchy hats for my offspring...

 
And cutting out felt bits to hang on the porch.



The kids are starting school on Tuesday, so it's officially fall in my book. Bring on the pumpkins!

But I also promise to get back to drawing. Not just doodles, but the illustrations that I need to be doing. There. I've said it. Now it's real.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

deluge

I have allowed my time to be sucked up by a book again, I'm afraid. And what's worse, it's the first of a series. But it was pretty terrible, and I'm not going to continue.  Ugh. I finished "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, and then marched right into he first of the Mortal Instruments. Honestly, what was I expecting?  I would like to go to the library, but my house needs a good cleaning. Apparently I cannot handle the completion of housework and the temptation of a book under the same roof! 

But these stormy, flash-floody days have me a bit inspired to draw. So that's good. Deluge; oil pastel and pencil.

Monday, August 12, 2013

simple

Ok, yes, August has been the worst blogging month yet.  I have not even remotely attempted to draw every day.  Not even remotely.  I have probably thought about it every day, but that is nothing new. It's the practice, the discipline that is supposed to be happening.  In my defense, I have actually been knitting, and crafting in various ways.  But still, not every day. I'm still trying to work out how to make it happen. 

I think, for me, the summer was tougher(on the drawing end, not in a more general sense), because we have more family time, and less structure. And I have had my Dan around in the evenings, which is special and important, and its about to end. The school year is beginning, and with it, his directorial duties. Sigh.  But it's a blessing for us to be here. Unsigh.  

All these mixed emotions are tumbling about in my head, making my brain feel like a dryer full of shoes. One thought bumps another, roughly, loudly, and I can't focus on any one thought for very long. Transition has me a bit skittish, and though transition has not yet arrived, it's shadow is edging in on my consciousness.  A strange greenish light, an impending storm. 

Kids going to school, me trying to illustrate a book, feeling like a fool for trying, knowing that I must, that it's obedience.  Dan working hard, doing so well, as we try to figure out how to be responsible, how to not just be mindless consumers. Really truly attempting to make moral decisions with our money, wanting to live rightly. To not be stingy with all that we have. Time is precious, but we have to give it away.

Simple. Right?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Peace

So here is my drawing for the day, for a friend.  I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.  


Dan and I just had a couple of days away together for our thirteenth anniversary.  This was such a blessing, as I honestly cannot remember when we last had that much uninterrupted time together.  We had a great time, but man, that much eating out can really make you feel gross!  But we were spoiled by a lack of schedule, and were indulgently in charge of no one but ourselves.  

Marriage is hard.  It's a constant battle to put myself second, and my husband and marriage first.  It doesn't come naturally, but nothing could be more fulfilling.  Because when we are both doing that for each other, we find our needs met in a way that we could never have anticipated.  It's hard as a mom, also, to put my marriage ahead of my kids on the priority list.  Some of you may not agree, but I truly think it's important.  It is my natural instinct as a mother to care for my little ones, and let my husband fend for himself.  Because they are small, and they need me.  But Dan needs me, too.  He needs to know that he is on my mind and in my heart.  He needs to know that he is being cared for, as he works hard, at two full time jobs, that I notice, that I want to help out, with little actions, and with words, with gestures of affection, and taking care of small tasks that he's asked me not to forget.  With purposeful connection, even when I'm tired from a frustrating day.  He needs to know that I love him, that he's my best friend, and that I'm IN love with him, that just because we have children, we are not parents only, but lovers.  And I need to know that as well.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

light for an adjustment

I'm having one of those days where my kids can't do anything right. You know, where they are just bad and it has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I'm cranky and preoccupied...

Right. Since, as the sole adult in the house while Dan is at work, it's my job to set the tone, you all know that I'm full of crap. Full up. So, what better way to make a switch in my soul than to shine a light on it, and really see what a jerk I'm being.  

Hopefully after a pile of toast (for real, I think toast might be the most perfect food), and some more coffee, not to mention a little quiet reflection on my cranky affliction, there shall be an adjustment.

Adjustment maintained, sort of. I'm not going to make a whole new post for the mural today, so here's an edit/addition to today's text. Bird on a branch.


Thursday, July 25, 2013

bits

Watching Dead Poet's Society, and it's still so good. A lot of old memories are popping up, which is funny, but to be expected.  

I feel cranky in an unrelated way.  I have been struggling with a fairly bad attitude for the last couple of days, not with life in general, just with some judgement in my heart.  Even now, I'm justifying my feelings to myself.   I'm right, I know how people should act, etc etc etc, but sheesh, it's not really my job to hold on to these things.  Let it go, right or wrong, there's no room for this silliness. Life is too full of bike rides and giggles and shiny clean stove tops, and pretty trees and snuggles. 

And trees to scribble.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Bird, Vacuum, Baby. not what you'd expect.

I'm pretty excited about the fact of Imagination.  Without it, three kids wouldn't combine the influences of The Incredibles, Wild Kratts, and Word Girl into three super hero alter-egos named respectively: Bird Lady, Vacuum Man, and Baby Lady. 

Mm-hm.  Bird Lady, somewhat predictably, can fly, but she also dresses like a bird. I think she tweets too.  Vacuum Man, now he vacuums fast, in fact, he vacuums up the mess left by bad guys 'in a snap'.  Meaning he's really that fast. Faster than the speed of light.  And Baby Lady.  Yes, I left her for last on purpose.  Now, don't judge my kids, people, their understanding is limited, and they don't quite fathom the implications of this superpower.  Baby Lady shoots out babies at the bad guys. Like missiles.  Maybe they are baby-dolls, maybe they are real babies.  I didn't ask for clarification.  But there is a picture of a baby on the belly of her suit, from whence the babies fly out.  There really isn't any more to say about it, but Laser Duck has company.  

So, Imagination.  Without it, I wouldn't be laughing so hard the tears stream down...  

Quick sketch of European weeping beech... This tree makes me scribble, as you've seen. Ballpoint pen on Bristol.

Monday, July 15, 2013

books and a tree

 I don't read healthfully. I devour books, live and breathe them, and grieve their loss when I am finished.  It is hard for me to function in real life when I care about the well-being of a character.  It is ridiculous.  I love to read, but my addictive personality can't seem to pay attention to both book-world and reality. 

I really hate the feeling of knowing that I need to do something, like make dinner, or put the kids in the bath, but there are two more pages in the chapter.... and just five more minutes won't hurt, right?  

I begin to begrudge my real life the attention it needs... "So much of what I see reminds me of something I've seen in a book, when, shouldn't it be the other way around?"

So I am trying to set myself realistic goals, and reward myself with a chapter. Clean until lunch time, then sit down for some book time.  It's working pretty well this week. We're always seeking balance, aren't we? Or not seeking it, and suffering the consequences. I don't think the achievement of balance is even possible, but in seeking it, and being aware, we get healthier. And it gets easier. A little.

Little leaf linden.  Pastel on Bristol.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

the gorgeous ordinary

Dan's been checking the blog for new posts every day, and I believe he is getting annoyed at my lackadaisical attitude.  But let's face it, I am tired.  And lazy.  And I feel guilty when I take time to draw if the house is a mess.  And the house. Is. A mess.

But I knocked out four hours on the second mural today, and that I can feel good about, because it's big, and I made progress, and it's for someone else, and there's that small matter if it also being paid work.  So no guilt there.  

About the house.  I am ok with general upkeep on a regular week.  But change up the schedule, send me away for a weekend, put my kids in camp, add on extra laundry loads, and I am thrown for an awful loop.  I'm not sure why. I get overwhelmed and cranky, and I think a bit depressed.  If it's actually depression, though, it's mild, because I can get out of it with a bit of effort, loud music, and some headway made in housecleaning.   

But its so very easy to slip back in.  I'm cranky with my small boy, who is just asking me annoying questions to keep my focus on him, to engage me in conversation.  He doesn't mean to be annoying.  And really, he's not, he's just four.  So while I'm driving, I reach behind me to his little leg, and squeeze it, and let him know that my focus is on him, and I love him, and I'm trying again.  He takes my hand in both of his, and presses his honest little lips to my palm.  I can feel his unbelievable bouncy cheeks on my fingers.  And just like that, I'm back in the moment. 

I'm tired this morning, driving the girls to horse camp.  And Viv tells me that provolone cheese is "one dimensional".  What?  This starts a good conversation about one dimensional versus two-dimensional, and I am impressed with both my six-year-old's recall, and her awesome Kindergarten teacher.  Back in the moment.  Why would I ever leave it?

Rowan gives me a super long kiss on my cheek at bedtime tonight.  I ask her if she thinks longer is better, and she explains that it's like a gas tank, and she just put in lots of love.  I'm not sure if my heart just constricted or grew a grinchy size, but I'm back in it.  Now to just stay in it a little longer, clean the kitchen, and watch a movie with my best friend.  This won't be hard.  These moments are a gorgeous strand of ordinary, dazzling beauty.

mural detail. Long shadows, clasped hands, dancing feet:

Friday, July 5, 2013

Things that kill me. In the best way.

In no particular order:

When Genevieve makes slow swimming motions coming out of sleep.

Jimmy Fallon

When Jude chirps at me in passing, communicating that he would like a kiss before I continue doing whatever it is I'm doing.

Grunty newborns

Rowan's subtle lisp that developed upon the loss of both top front teeth.

The Civil Wars.  Oh, listening bliss.http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=MnkM_ebv9BI&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DMnkM_ebv9BI

Listening to music like that while drawing, and feeling deeply right and moved and happy.  Kills me.



Tuesday, July 2, 2013

struggle with balance

This is what I would draw, if I could manage it...

Today is a day of struggle.  Mental wrestling, of trying to be the person I want to be, but also minding my own business.  I can't tell people how to run their businesses, right? I can't do much about their choices, except to offer suggestions, an even then, unsolicited advice is not always a great way to go.  I can't control the things that I want to control, and I need to let it go. Although I do have to sometimes speak up.

Oh, balance, where are you? I'd like to get my grubby paws on you.  Why do I feel so selfish when I want to paint or draw? I really do. We've been away for the weekend, and now the house is filled with camping gear, needing a home. My mind is pulled in a bunch of directions, and I can't seem to focus enough to dash off a drawing. With my grubby paws. And now midnight has come and gone, and I'm looking at 1am.  Not good, not when the shorties will be all over me in the morning! Off to bed I go.

Monday, June 24, 2013

to paint the sunset

 I had started a post over the weekend about this place. I will finish it later, because sometimes, more important things crop up.

On Friday, Dan fell from a ladder. He was  working on my parents house. He is ok, resting and very bruised and battered. Not to mention 24 stitches in his left leg. He could've injured himself much more seriously, and as I try to take care of him and encourage him to sit still, I am thankful that he didn't break any bones, or hit his head, or suffer a back injury that would take away his ability to work.  We were protected, and though it might be a bit tough for a week or so, it's a temporary difficulty. 

It's hard to express the things that float through your mind when you contemplate what ifs and might-have-beens.  Its silly, in a way, but I can't always shut off my mind.  And a reality check is definitely a good thing. None of us are invincible.  None of us have a guaranteed allotment of years.  We can't wait for tomorrow to say the things that need to be said, or pay attention to the people that are put into our lives.  

All of this is very cliche, I know, but so often the thoughts that matter are hard to grasp, and when we try, it comes out a little cheesy. It's like trying to paint the sunset.

Friday, June 21, 2013

living here

I love living here.  The Williamson campus is delightful for kids.  Pretty gardens, gazebos, fountain, whispering wall, playground, stream, bridge, brick pathways, secret shady nooks, trees to climb.  

Trees with various seed pods, berries, and nuts for nature fiends, I mean my children, to collect in mass quantities....I love that there are trees here that I've never seen before.  Not just your average walnut, oak, maple, but every type of maple I've ever seen, with corresponding whirligigs in every size and color.  

Weeping European beech trees, whose new growth is totally pale bright green in contrast with it's deeply colored old growth and looks like art nouveau jewelry.  I do believe a posted about that tree a while back.  A little leaf linden (I know, right?), which is gigantic and spreading, but with tiny dainty leaves that look like green lace at such heights.  

Cypress trees, and knobby sycamores, tulip poplars, the world's most enormous-leaved-and-blossomed magnolias, dogwoods, pears, cherry trees, and Japanese maples with leaves so fine and foliage so cascading, that when my kids go under it to hide, the gently rustling outer surface looks like a snuffalupagus about to walk away.  You remember Snuffy, right?  It's a magical place. I need to document it and take advantage of it.

So I'm trying to do that, both with photos and these pastels I've been enjoying. And then we had to go and get a membership to the Tyler Arboretum, and sheesh! Even more amazing trees, stunning, old, twisting, incredible trees. I'm losing my mind with the possible paintings, and I've never been much for landscape.  I guess that's changing.  

Paper bark maple. More pastel.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

dance and sail


I have invented a dance. It's very awkward. My son loves it, and it cracks him up. One of these days, my luck is going to run out, and someone is going to see me doing these ridiculous moves. But I can't resist his laugh.

Today I took the kids with me to church and got the second mural blocked out with black outlines.  The shrimpies were pretty well-behaved and watched a movie, but I lost track of time, so no pictures today; I had to fly out of there, run through trader joe's, and sail back home to knock out a glorious curry.  I have a mini-van, it's like a ship.  So I sail. I'm hoping you we're able to sail your way through that run-on sentence.

Ink on paper. La Luna.

Monday, June 17, 2013

vocabulary of marks

I have always deeply admired painters who could reference real life and yet be unconstrained by reality. To draw or paint what clearly could be recognized, and yet freely change the color, the shape, the volume, the texture, and use it as a simple tool of composition. A means to an end.  The end being something that in no way looks "real" or photographic, but takes on a new life, and in its originality, is life-giving in its own way.  I saw it in some of my friends, particularly one guy who was a photography student, but took a painting class, and made these stunning still lives that looked like Matisse. They were just perfect. Completely 2-dimensional, about paint and surface and exquisitely composed. 

Pierre Bonnard comes to mind, and Wolf Kahn, and Mark Rothko, if you can think of the simplicity of field and sky and the horizon line created by their kiss. Some have more depth and literal shapes than others.  But I never felt free or able to paint in that way. I always felt the constraint of reality on my shoulders. I put myself behind a fence, somehow, and couldn't break it. I couldn't find a way to make marks that spoke of the surface or the medium or the color more than the subject matter. Anyway, I'm working on that, to state it simply. And the learning curve is steep, but I'm going to enjoy it.  Pastel on bristol.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

I love you


Today was a day full of goodness.  Full of family, full of kids, full of food, full of conversations, full of sun and rain and water balloons and muddy feet and fireflies.

It also happens to be Father's Day, which we celebrated with both sides of our family at once, with six fathers in attendance... We were missing a few, but overall it was still good. And it was presided over  gracefully by my host/husband extraordinaire. What a father he is. Kind, gentle, patient, spontaneous, funny, generous, protective, and humble.  He is just the best.  I'm so glad he's the father of my children.  Quirky little drawing about love. Ink on bristol.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

no wonder


It's not too surprising that when you are meant to do something, and I mean MADE, formed, for a certain purpose, you will find obstacles in your way that may seem to increase as you get closer to doing that thing.  So, tough weeks?  I'm ok with you. You're a bump in my road. You're a sign that I'm getting warmer, not colder.

Trials? I will do my best to consider you pure joy, because it is you that will be used to refine me, shape my character, and the work that was begun in me will be completed.  Because God is faithful.  In finding peace with his truth, my week has improved, as you might imagine.

Today was a great day, not in any spectacular way, but in a peaceful, getting things done, enjoying the hours way.  I finished the end of the school year gifts for the girl's teachers, and they turned out pretty nicely.  They are paper flowers made from children's book pages.  But when I went to take a couple of photographs of them, they transformed into something magical, and I got a little picture happy. 3-d counts, right?  It isn't technically drawing, but it's still scratching the creative itch. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Dull. Not sharp.

I'm in a rut of sorts. Just feeling stunted emotionally and not really connecting with the important people of my heart. Why is that? Just when I feel like I'm progressing, understanding on a small level, just what it is I'm doing here, I find myself in a never-ending pothole of dullness.

I know that I just need to push through. Push through. Push through. I'm chanting to myself, so as not to succumb to the dullness.  I've been messing around with some fun shrink film necklace designs. They count. I have to draw on them before I shrink 'em. Prismacolor on shrink film.


Friday, June 7, 2013

project

I began a new project a few weeks ago, And yesterday finished the first leg.  It's a mural project at church, for the children.  The church bought the rights to reproduce some illustrations from a children's Bible, and hired me to paint a few scenes in the stairwell on the way down to the Sunday school classrooms.  I'm not normally a big fan of depictions of Jesus; normally he looks all wrong in my opinion, but these are sweet, very simple, and stylized illustrations.  I've finished the first mural, and am moving n to the second. They are simple pictures of Jesus with children, in pretty colors.  It's been enjoyable, and the pressure is off somewhat, since the design is not mine, although I do want to do it justice.  Here's a detail that I like.  It's a dim stairwell in the afternoon, so the resolution isn't great, but you get a general sense of color and texture.
Here is a view coming up from the lower stairs to the first landing.  It wraps around both walls, and I really couldn't find a good way to photograph the whole thing. You'll have to click to see the full horizontal picture...

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

I need to add 6 hrs to the day

So I just want to dive into a puddle of oil paint and splash around. I need time and ventilation and time. I don't really have either.
So what I did instead was paint a cloud with nail polish. Then it became the thought in a little girl's daydream.  Nope, not the same. But fun in a weird kinda way, especially when I get real close and sniff the nail polish fumes.

Monday, June 3, 2013

lamplighter

I have just had a flash of a vision.  Like right this moment. Not sure if I'll be able to illustrate my point, either with word or image, but I will try. Partially inspired I think, by my friends, Todd and Anna, who are working in Cambodia against human trafficking.  To go into the dark places, the hopeless places, and bring a light. To bear hope, to try. To work. To move forward. To speak a kind word. To quench someone's thirst.  To be a lamplighter.

Aaaand then I realized that the girls were about to be late for school because I'm all absorbed in the worlds most slapdash illustration, so I didn't get to actually post.   
But here it is. Pen and charcoal on matboard.




Saturday, June 1, 2013

Full

The last couple of days have been very full, in the best way. It's all I can do to keep my eyes propped open, and write a few words about the good things in life.

The kids have had a lot of fun things going on, yesterday and today.  Field day, time with cousins, moon bounces, face painting, and junk food of all sorts. And Dan and I have had two nights in a row of a very full house. One night of small group, and tonight an evening with our Williamson people. It's been good.  

Dan is already asleep on the sofa, and I am pretty close myself.  I just wanted to say that I am so glad to have a husband who loves to entertain, and is never happier than when feeding a houseful of people from various areas of our life.  He has made me a more flexible person, and I love seeing him bustle about, making burgers, grilling, filling drinks. It's been a good weekend so far.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

tonight, tomorrow, tttt.... I can't think of another t word.

Okay, so, tomorrow is field day, which is going to be horrible.  I'm going to sweat my way through, with two small people tagging along... actually, they might actually be the fun part.  The girls have no idea what field day means.  They told me that there will be no running races, but there will be waterside races.  Who knows, maybe they're right, wouldn't that be fantastic?  Especially since we are on our third day of 90 plus degrees. 

And then. Two. More. Weeks. Of school. I'm actually not as over it as some moms, because I know how much my three strong personalities are going to need a break from one another, right quick. That sounds like I have Disassociative Identity Disorder, but I was referring to my children.  
 I spent this warm evening baking about 9 dozen cookies. Yup.  The oven was on.  I didn't know about the heat wave when I signed on for this!!! But at least I honored a commitment, plus there are some sweets for our awesome small group tomorrow night.

My point is actually that I did do something with my hands, but it wasn't drawing.  However, my brain is full to bursting, and I have pinned one million inspirational images to a new board, so my apologies to the few if you who follow me on Pinterst, 'cause I just blew up your home page with crazy.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Wednesday

Today was busy and successful. Now I've got a headache, but honestly, I can go to bed now; I'm so glad this wasn't plaguing me earlier, while doing ten things at once. 

We are weathering this little heat wave with hair up, and sprinkler on.  Our constant struggles continue, there are coughs and colds, and bad attitudes. But there are strong bodies, and teaching moments, and kindnesses, too.  So onward, ho.

Pen and ink on matboard.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

ego boost

Jude: mommy, why are we taking the wiggly road way home?

Me: because this way we get to see all of the trees and farms, and fields and horses, and the reservoir, and it's pretty.

Jude: the trees are not not pretty to me...

Me: is there something else that's pretty to you?

Jude: yes. You.

Me: thanks, Jude, you're so nice.

Jude: you're nice, and pretty, and kind, and snuggly, and kissy, and tickly!

I'll take it. I'm all those things. I get that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But I think that our own eyes, my own eyes at least, don't see truly when looking self-ward. And I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing yourself through the eyes of love. What could be more true, more real, more important? Or more healthy?

So do me a favor, the next time you're feeling down on yourself, or insecure. Take a look at yourself through the eyes of someone who really loves you. There's reality there. Not in the mirror. It's backwards, you know...

Aquarelle pencils on matboard.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

good

It does me good to have both charcoal on my face and paint on my hands, to put effort into something that is both selfish (in the joy it gives me) and external.  To have a little part in just putting something out of my heart and into someone else's line of vision, to be vulnerable to subjectivity. Or just to exercise my hands in obedience to an internal nudge.

The weariness of yesterday has lessened considerably, and with it, the oppressive crankiness of my children. Today was better. And I worked on a mural and a little sketch. Big girl trying to fasten a feather in her hair. Vine and conte on board.



Tuesday, May 21, 2013

the next round

Ok. Admittedly, I am having a tough time keeping up with this, now that I allowed myself a break. And the exercise of just forcing myself to draw is losing it's charm. But that is not to say that I'm giving up on it.  I just really kinda want to.

I have been having a difficult time. My patience is running low with the kids.  I try to speak softly, enforce consequences without losing it, but lets face it, it is a constant stream of testing Mommy up in here. Y'all gone make me lose my mind...  Yes, that's right.  So I'm trying to set an example, but I'm failing left and right. And still, I want to teach these small humans how to handle their frustrations with grace...

Lots of trailing off at the ends of sentences, lots of tired sighs. An abundance of nervy fidgeting, but there's blessing in making a choice. To continue to try. To admit temporary defeat, but still make an effort to win the next round.

It's only Tuesday, and after a truly lovely weekend, I'm getting all weary. It's not how I'd like to be. So I won't. The girls picked some gorgeous funky wildflowers on Saturday, and I promised myself I'd draw them, so here you are.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

vertical and horizontal

I wish I had something to say. I don't really. I wish I had thoughts and feelings just bursting to get out, to be written in the sky. I may actually have feelings and thoughts like that. The problem is that they are not concrete, delineated with words. They're more abstract, indescribable, and all the more bursting to be expressed. So I feel a bit like a colorfield painting. A meaningful silence. I'm ridiculous. Perhaps that's why I have to make things.

I've given up on this writing and drawing space for a bit, concentrating instead on resting when possible, and recuperating myself and my family from some nasty illnesses. I feel like we are back on a normalish track, so I'm back here as well. Maybe I said this last post. Oh well!

My kids are being really mean to each other right now. As I write. Crying and poking each other in the eye, it would seem. But now, amidst tears and recriminations, there was explanation and understanding; apology and forgiveness. In short, they worked it out. Just when I was feeling so exasperated with the purposeful aggression, they turned it around, and actually put into practice what we have been trying so hard to instill in them. I can't express to you how happy this makes me. This I could write in the sky. My children expressed love, and in doing so, drove out anger. They extended grace and redeemed a hurtful moment. That is something to say. It's a microcosm of how to live life.

The direction was switched, turned perpendicular, and harmony was restored. Here are some verticals and horizontals that looked harmoniously perpendicular to me, glancing out of the kitchen window. See how I tied that in? I know, it's a stretch. Conte on board.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

rest for now

So, I've mostly been conserving my energy. Sleeping whenever possible, being still, drinking water.  Recovering.  I just do not have it in me to draw yet.  The kids seem good. In the clear, I truly hope!  Me, I think I'm on the road to feeling normal again.  Til then, I shall be resting both my fingers and brain.  

Friday, May 3, 2013

signs. Not the creepy, crop circle, chattery-on-the-baby-monitor kind.

Signs that the family is recovering well:

I took a shower. What the what? Yes. I did. I left the three small humans unattended, watching movies in 2 separate rooms. I felt they were well enough to go 10 minutes without needing me. I also deadbolted the door. The front door, not the bathroom door, silly!

I dried my hair. Holy Moses! They did so well, that I stuck one small human in the bathtub, left the other two with said movie, and fully dried my hair. Another 20 minutes of successful, pain-free, self-sufficiency.

I may have arranged the apps on my phone by color. It may not last, as it may not be an arrangement that lends to smooth functionality... But it may look pretty. I'm almost admitting to this ultimate "I have time on my hands" move.

I also took a picture of the patina on my soap dish, and made a painting of it. Ok, I haven't yet made it yet, but I'm hoping I will have by tonight, when I post this.

Yes, it's all about me. I also know that Rowan is doing better, because I look at her and know that she's being a tiny bit of a drama queen. I can tell her to stop being so wienerrific. Two days ago, every hollow and curve of her face was a sacred relief in palest ivory, and I touched her skin as if it were delicate parchment vellum. Yeah, I know, I'M a bit of a drama queen.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Sick post. Once again.

A small, slim girl is crouched, waiting, tense. I can feel her light bones, still so tiny, she is six. I can feel all of her muscles coiled cruelly, her angry insides throwing out everything that isn't nailed down. This small person, I am in charge of. I can get her to settle down, to sleep. It's amazing to me that I could be utter comfort to another human. And yet, I can't fix this, I can't make the liquid that she swallows stay down where it belongs, where its needed. And I know that if this continues into tomorrow, I'm going to have to go back to the doctor, yet again, because if she can't get hydrated, then she could really be in trouble.

Normally, I'm not terribly phased by a stomach virus. Genevieve has it, but more mildly, and not the throwing up. I think I had it last night, but it was very annoying nausea only, that I was able to sleep away. Jude and Dan seem good so far. My kids usually pass it around to one another; annoyingly, it seems to skip a day or two, and then show up in the next kid, just when we thought the coast was clear. But it usually doesn't last in one child for more than 12 hrs. So this is new. This is a mean bug. I am getting angry. It's a familiar feeling. I used to get so mad when I threw up as a pregnant mom, so frustrated that my babes weren't getting the stuff I ate, just for their especial benefit. But this is different. I want to take this pain and gladly do all the throwing up and dry heaving. I just want it to leave my baby alone!

I was so excited when she drank down the blue Gatorade that I got her. She smiled and declared her 'belly was laughing', because it tasted so good. She is a self proclaimed bottomless pit, and was so irritated that she didn't get to eat anything today. She wanted to dig her teeth into some real food. We tried broth, it came back up, water, no go, Gatorade, nope. The pedialyte I had high hopes for, maybe it would be more gentle on her belly. But that didn't work either. Maybe she was too greedy, and guzzled too fast. Like I said, she really wants to eat. So now she's in bed, with one sip of water and one of pedialyte in her stomach. Two precious sips. Stay down! Hurry and be absorbed before the evil bouncer germ sends you packing! Please, oh please.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

the slope.

There's a hill I pass on the way to work. I used to pass it every day, and always, always wanted to paint it. Now I pass it once a week at most. The trees are bigger, quite a bit bigger, than they used to be. It takes trees a long time to grow, I've noticed. Yes. I am so sharp.

My point being, that time is passing, and I am mostly unaware of how much of it is really receding quickly. So very quickly. This isn't really one of those posts about how fast the years fly, and pay attention, it's precious. It is. But now and then it takes me by surprise how, when I lump certain life events into "that just happened recently", I have to suddenly recategorize them into "that happened years ago"!

I'm gonna go ahead and make a little picture of my beloved slope. Better late than never!

Pastel on board:


Monday, April 29, 2013

Oh honey honey

I may not have much worth while to say tonight. The kids are well, the refrigerator is clean and emptied of a lot of creepy, unrecognizable food. The laundry is somewhat caught up. Of course, I'm working tomorrow, so that will not be the case for much longer. C'est la vie.

A drop of honey. Apparently my honey is unadulterated and is truly honey. Pastel on board.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

just keeping on

Ah, yes, it's almost May, and I am a ginormous slacker. Can you believe the spellcheck allows me to type 'ginormous'? Ridiculous. Huge-antically ridiculous. Well, this fine weather has meant that we are spending a lot of time out of doors, and consequently, falling asleep early! We all fell asleep putting the kids to bed last night, and tonight was extended family time. So sorry New Year's Resolution, you are being sidestepped for Spring.

No drawing tonight, I just needed to hang with my husband, Skype with my sister-in-law, and catch up on Call the Midwife. In other news, the kids are all doing well health-wise, and we have a well-check for the girls in 3 days. So hopefully their lungs will be sounding good. A little allergy meds seem to be helping, and I will ask about trying to step down the inhaled steroid ASAP. And then to no meds, at least for the summer. I feel so much peace in general right now, it's a delight.

What an enormously beautiful weekend. I do have some drawings planned, I will get started again tomorrow! Plus a mural to begin, so that oughtta be fun. Goodnight, Dear Void!

Friday, April 26, 2013

family project

The morning was rough for us, I was not enjoying my kids' lack of enthusiasm for daily tasks. I decided that once I dropped the girls at Kindergarten, I would not go back and perpetuate the unpleasant pattern. So Jude and I had a date. It started with a woodsy ramble, there was gelato and chai in the middle, and it ended with a playground. Then we scooped up the girls, and went home.

We continued to ignore the indoors and started a project out on the porch. We planned a family game night for this evening, and I had it in my head to play parcheesi. But we don't have a board, so I figured we could make one. We found a perfectly sized piece of plywood in the basement and plunged right in. Sanding, gesso, some fairly quick research and lines drawn, then the paint!

Admittedly, I didn't think the color scheme through... Teal, purple, coral, and pale yellow. Yeah. I handed each kid a cup of one color and a brush, told them to do their best to stay in the lines, and before we knew it, we were done! Kind of.
After it dried, I sanded a bit, brushed a bit of glaze to tone it down, and drew the lines again... The first run of parcheesi went so-so. We will definitely do it again.
Cause we've got this big honking board now...











Tuesday, April 23, 2013

keeping track, sorry...

To tell you the truth, the last thing I want to do here is chronicle my kid's asthma journey. Honestly, it's not that interesting. It's just a heartache for me, and I think it actually might be a good idea for me to be writing this stuff down. As I have, anyway, not clinically, but in my own way.

So these posts may contain this lungy stuff, on and off. Sorry. I want it gone, too.

So last night we went to an allergist/asthma specialist. The point was to have Genevieve tested for allergies to see if that could be playing a role in her asthma. I wasn't expecting to walk away with a full pediatric asthma action plan, and a follow-up appointment. I don't know if this is good or bad. Like our pediatrician, this doc wants Genevieve on a daily preventative dose of an inhaled steroid. This is not ideal, but if it would eliminate the need for the prednisolone that she takes when she gets really sick, it would be better. But at least we know that pollen and dust mites are allergens for her, as well as colds.

Legit 5min:




Thursday, April 18, 2013

making my peace

I need to accept what I can't change. Right? And have the courage to change what I can. I need to go to an AA meeting, apparently. Actually the serenity prayer was on the wall of my home growing up, and never realized that it was used as the AA motto. Anyway, it has a lot of wisdom packed in there.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Or something like.

I'm working on making peace. I'm unsure of the reason why, when I hear one of my kids cough, I am filled with a cold fear. I have never had to bring a kid to the ER because of an asthma attack. I have always been helped by our pediatrician, and put a prescribed plan into action. I just want so badly for my kids to not get sick. Ever. At least, let a normal cold stay a normal cold and not last for ever. But that's not going to happen. I need to make peace with that. They may outgrow their asthma completely. Or not. Or one may, and the other may not. I need to make peace with that. I also need to do what I can to improve their chances of staying healthy, and recovering quickly. Better air quality, whole foods, omega 3's, less dairy (oh how my heart breaks at the thought of none at all!). Vitamins. Local raw honey.

Action, and peace. Serenity. What a beautiful word.

Monday, April 15, 2013

can't stop smiling...

Allow me to tell you about Laser Duck. He is a super hero of sorts. He positions himself just right... Opens his beak wide... Quacks VERY loudly... And light reflects off of his uvula, melting or incinerating the object of his choice. Amazing. The kids told us all about it yesterday over breakfast.

I might also mention the game Small Head, which involves first choosing who will be the one with a small head. Next, large items are placed on the chosen individual's noggin, to make it, in contrast, appear abnormally small. Yes. I just learned about this after dinner tonight, when Jude called out, "who wants to have the small head?" I needed an explanation, and it was readily given.

So you see, this is why I can't stop smiling.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

good, better, best all rolled into one

This weekend was beautiful. My perception is changing, improving. This is something that I've been asking for, praying for. Not just that I would have a better, more compassionate reaction to my children, but that I would see them differently when they are in need of discipline. That my reaction would be informed by viewing them through the filter of their potential and not through the filter of their mistakes.

We had a lot of time together as a family, and also Mommy/ girl time and Daddy/Jude time. It was the first weekend in a long time that we've all been really together the whole time. This is yesterday. My girls are as enthralled as I with the spring buds - "mom, I just want to kiss the buds, they're so beautiful!" I have a budding Anne of Green Gables on my hands. Which I love!

Genevieve with a magnolia blossom. Graphite on rag board.


Friday, April 12, 2013

know where to stop

Restraint is really hard for me. I enjoy simplicity, and yet there is something that always tugs at me to add just one more thing, one more picture to the wall, one more line to the drawing, one more stroke to the painting, one more sentence to the lecture. One more adjective to my already superfluous description. I just enjoy things. Words, lines, pictures, textures, contrasts, harmonies, groupings. Ah, see?

I attempted a simple line drawing, and still started to add in the contrasts, despite my intentions. I stopped, though.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Spirograph this

Spring has come on like a roaring lion. I can't say I'm sad about it, but I am hoping that there will still be some sweater-appropriate days. I love a good sweater. But the blossoms on the trees fill me with optimism. Even if I did spend the day yesterday yelling shrilly at the three small sweet souls that co-habitate with me. Sometimes, I really honestly think that they will hear me better if I scream. Even despite evidence to the contrary. I never considered myself an angry person until I had three little charges simultaneously disobeying me. How powerful is the ego.
Disobey me? How do you dare? When I just told you...????? HOW!?

Yeah. It's very pitiful, how I choose to ignore in myself the very essence of willfulness, and upbraid my kids for their human nature. Boy I sure do love the mornings , when I haven't screwed up yet, and I can hold my little babes and snuggle them and kiss them and we all feel that glow of new mercies. Today was a much much better morning than yesterday. My challenge is to allow for some missteps, and not throw the whole day out as a failure, before it's even half done. It's like when I was about 8 or so, and I wanted to complete an entire Spirograph pattern perfectly, no slips or skipped spots. If it wasn't perfect, it wasn't beautiful. Sigh. Working on it.

Speaking of beautiful. This odd magnolia blossom just tugs at my heart. It's not the usual magnolia with stiff, gorgeous, cup-like petals. This one has floppy, open, vulnerable, and noodly petals. They are haphazard and unstructured. It looks like its petals are floating underwater. It is completely charming to me, and utterly un-Spirograph-like. And beautiful. I'm not doing it justice. Pencil on rag board.