It's just that I get this nagging feeling that I should be accomplishing more in a day, or creating something, or just having some adult relationships. I miss my friends. I can't go anywhere without a babysitter (my little civic doesn't fit 3 car seats), and honestly, where would I go? Not to the store, can you imagine? there wouldn't be room for anything in the cart but babies! I remember feeling like this with the twins, before I figured out a strategy for getting around. I know that this is just a season, and I really want to enjoy Jude's babyhood while it lasts, but I am feeling like I have lost my identity to these children, and I fear I might never get it back. Not that I don't expect my character to be altered and improved by motherhood, but there is more to me than Mommy, and I need those other parts of me to really be fulfilled and happy. Jeez, I blogged about this after the girls were born, I think, this identity crisis of mine, but I did not expect this season to be extended with the birth of another child. Not so soon, anyway.
I read back over an old draft that I never posted, and wow, I was terrified when I found out that I was pregnant again. Out of my mind scared. I knew what I was in for, and I knew that it would be really difficult. And it is, it so is. I get out of the house so rarely... Dan is sweet enough when he is home on saturdays to send me out alone, just to have some time to myself, and I usually end up reading parenting books at Borders. Lame, lame, lame-o! Sounds like a Rachel Ray ingredient. I got such a charge out of unexpectedly running to the store to buy diapers on a weeknight last week! I am embarrassed to admit it, but there it is. Seriously, I had the window down as I drove, and I was singing and laughing in a slightly hysterical manner, just feeling so free for about 15 minutes! I wonder if I am a little depressed. I feel like a single mom, sometimes, with Dan working 2 full time jobs, but that is what needs to be done for now. That too, is just a season. I can't really feel like a single parent, because I know that I have love and support and a man who, if I really needed him to, would drop everything to come home and pick up the pieces, glue me back together, and kiss the bruises all better.
So I have the three kids that I am meant to have, and they are fantastic. I just can't wait until we can all go out in one car, and go bowling together, maybe with some other friends. Or just leave them ALL with one pair of grandparents for a night, without having to worry about getting back to nurse a baby! I am praying that I take advantage of this time at home with them on a more regular basis. I hope I don't sound like I hate my life... more days than not, I don't. I am just looking forward to having a better grip on things. It's a gradual process, I know... there probably won't be an actual sea change moment, just a day in the future when I realize that we're getting there.
5 comments:
amen.
Emily your posts always resonate with me. You are a pleasure to read.
try upgrading to an old camry- if you shove the seats in, buckle them all tightly, slam the doors and LOCK THEM, three seats fit there-
barely.
not that I would know or anything....
what happened to that plan of ours to buy a mini van anyway...hmmmmm ;)
I wish I could convince Dan - he's holding out for a used SUV, I think! Thanks, Bridget!
Yes, a bigger car does sound like it could be in order.
Emily, you don't sound like you hate your life; you just are honest and need to "write it out" as Emily of New Moon would say (don't know if you've ever read her, but I grew up on her, along with Anne of Green Gables, of course).
Being a mom sounds so beautiful, but you are right-it also sounds pretty easy to lose yourself. I don't know any other calling in which your life truly becomes NOT YOUR OWN so drastically.
From seeing my sisters-in-law, however, I do know that it is a season...that you can learn to balance your needs with the needs of the little lovely ones that call you momma.
And hopefully sooner than later Dan can spend some more time at home--though I am one to talk, considering that me and Drew have conjugal visits about once a month...Um, did I really just write "conjugal?!"
Emily...I experienced all the feelings you describe here. I had a total identity crisis in the first years of motherhood. And I always felt I should be accomplishing more, in every way. I felt I was letting myself as a person down. I should be working! I should be writing! I should be doing this and that! I beat myself up relentlessly. I hope you won't. Give yourself lots and lots of grace.
I promise that you will get your identity back and more. And I promise you that I (and many mothers I know) have felt the thrill of leaving the house just to go to the grocery store!
Emily, I so relate to this. It is hard to watch yourself disappear as you become the person your children need you to be. It's hard living to care for everyone else and feel like you have nothing left for yourself at the end of each day. Having small children is, I am assured, merely a season of every mother's life. I have been encouraged to enjoy thee days, for better or worse, because when they are gone, they are gone for good. Five years is such a small amount of time before they start school and begin to need you in a different way. My mom swears it gets better... just hang in there. I'm hanging right there with you! If we still lived in the area, I'd come over and just provide a little distraction for the kids and some grown up conversation for you. :)
I, too, know the bliss of solo diaper runs!
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