Sometimes it feels that once I became "mommy" I lost the rest of the things that made me Emily.
It is hard to see past all the duties and joys of being a mother to twins (or to any baby or child - I would never devalue any other mom's job, I'm just coming from a particular place here). I know that in reality I didn't lose the other things, they just got put on the back burner while I learned about this new addition to my repertoire. The only problem being that a lot of the other parts of me require some maintenance, and if I leave them on the back burner too long, they could burn, or maybe I will just have to relearn the steps (excuse the mixed metaphors).
It's just that, while cooking, cleaning, and mothering can be rewarding (especially the last one), I spent almost 30 years developing a sense of self that had nothing to do with these things. Although, in all honesty, anytime I was asked about my ambitions and plans for the future, my first response would invariably be about becoming a wife and mother. So thanks be to God, he has granted me my deepest desire. Only... I never envisioned how all-encompassing it would be. It is hard work, very hard work for an unmotivated procrastinator, to try to fit in the other parts of me. However, when I do, there is nothing more satisfying than stretching and flexing the muscles that so often get neglected, and also keeping up on the family stuff. I haven't yet learned how to keep that balance - at this point, I am squeezing the artistic stuff in with little bursts of industry here and there, but not consistently. When it becomes consistent, I start to get behind with everything else. I think that with time, and effort, and some compromise, I will learn this new dance... it's just that the steps are so complicated, and I have always been so awfully clumsy!
3 comments:
I can relate to so much of what you're saying! I had absolutely no idea how all-consuming motherhood would be. Not just of my time, but my emotions and thoughts and plans too. When I look through old photos or journals I sometimes feel that I'm looking at another version of myself, like that girl is gone. I know she's still in there, but you're right - it is complicated to live like there is more than "mom" inside. I find it hard to do more than that very well, without neglecting Haven or the house or something that's my job right now. I guess I could go on and on - all of this to say, I hear you and echo it all back!
Well, Em, You are doing an amazing job. I do believe that it will get so much easier to nurture the other parts of you that we all know and love when your little gems get to be a bit older. I saw that happen with Darb. For now, the bits of artistry that you are able to unveil to us, your adoring fans, are simply divine!
I agree with Merry...you are in a season. And just as I sometimes feel that the career season is taking over who I am, my time, my thoughts and emotions, I know that it is only that-a season. I think the little bits that you have shown on here are wonderful. And I am sure that you are only going to be richer for the experiences that you are having now. Be strong, you are wonderful.
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